Confessions Of A Closet Perfectionist

I have a tendency to be what you might call an over-achiever.  I like to make lists upon lists of things to do.  A typical day's list might include walking my dogs, going to the gym, working on my blog, finally tending to the piles of unfinished laundry that litter my bedroom floor, stopping by the grocery store and the post office, catching up on a few chapters in whatever book I'm currently reading, teaching myself to play a new song on the guitar (and I don't even know how to play the guitar) -  and all of this on top of a busy work day!  


To an outside observer that might sound like a wonderful quality because presumably I'd get a lot of things done.  In reality what ends up happening is that I cross a couple things off my to-do list and then, instead of feeling good about what I accomplished, I end up beating myself up for the things I didn't get around to.  I do try to allow myself time now and then to relax and read a magazine or to get caught up in a Bethenny Ever After marathon (one of my current favorites), yet even when I'm 'relaxing' I'm frequently working on something else, mentally reviewing my to-do lists or creating even more lists in my head.  It's never ending.  

P has referenced my perfectionistic side more than a few times in past sessions and although I have never really warmed up to the notion of myself as a perfectionist (did I mention the piles of unfinished laundry?) I do see her point. This little habit of mine leaves me constantly scrambling to eradicate my to-do list but in reality there is always going to be something else that needs to be done, one more thing to add to the list.   The end result is that I wind up perpetually striving yet always falling short.

Over the past couple weeks, P had asked me to reflect on some of the changes I'd been noticing in my life since beginning therapy and it didn't take long for me to compile a list:  Since starting therapy I've noticed that I experience less of what I refer to as 'mind chatter' (the constant nagging voice in my head).  I also no longer feel like I have to plan every second of every day.  I'm noticing less anxiety at work and in general.  Mundane tasks have become less annoying and even my drive to and from work doesn't seem quite as aggravating.  I'm even finding myself able to relax just a little bit more.  And perhaps most noteably: I'm not making as many lists.  In fact, as I was going about my week reflecting on changes and feeling relaxed I also noticed that miraculously things were getting done with relatively little effort on my part.  (Without my lists? Nonsense!)  

As I pondered this phenomenon I was reminded of an analogy that my best friend told me about a couple of months ago.  Imagine you have several large pebbles and a couple pints or so of sand that you're trying to fit into a modest-sized vase.  If you pour all of the sand in first and then try to stuff pebbles in there won't be enough room for everything.  But if you place the pebbles in first and then pour the sand in letting it filter in and around all of the pebbles it's a much easier fit.  It's an interesting parallel that could probably mean a lot of different things to different people but essentially the pebbles represent your priorities in life (spending time with friends or family, having enough personal time) and the sand represents all of the small, and often necessary, but tedious things in life (doing laundry, running errands, even worries and anxiety) that tend to consume so much of our time and attention. 

Last week in therapy I shared the pebbles and sand in a vase analogy with P and I told her how I'd found it helpful to conjure this image when I felt stressed.  Instead of becoming overwhelmed with my lists of things I'd like to accomplish, if I was able to make just one or two big things a priority, it seemed much easier to fit in all of the small things (and the things that I didn't get around to probably weren't that important in the first place).  If I'm able to focus on my priorities first then not only can I tackle the smaller things with more gusto but I also feel better because I was able to get the most important things accomplished and in turn, I feel more relaxed.  And you can apply this principle to multiple areas of life: prioritizing at work, prioritizing your free time and yes, even tackling to-do lists.  

Always keeping the big picture in mind, P asked me how this notion might impact me in the future, particularly when it comes to relationships.  At first I was a little thrown by her question and I strained to make a connection but now I wonder if perhaps I've been treating my relationships like one giant to-do list.  I try to check off all of the things that seem right but in the end it's all of the little things that keep getting me bogged down.  Maybe in my next relationship if I'm able to focus on a couple big elements instead of worrying about all of the little things then it might all eventually fall into place.  And I'll probably be able to relax more and actually enjoy it for what it is instead of beating it up for all the things that it isn't. 


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that I should have to settle for less than extraordinary, not by any means, but no relationship is going to be perfect, and yet that's what I've been striving for all along.  So while I may not fit the bill in the traditional sense, perhaps I am a bit of perfectionist after all…just don't tell P I told you that!  ;)

-k