This week I set myself up on a blind date. Well, kind of… I have a friend of a friend who has a friend (stick with me here) who I heard through the grapevine that I might be interested in meeting so I took it upon myself to facilitate our introduction. Trust me when I say that this was way beyond my scope of comfort. Still, feeling a little apprehensive since my last relationship and needing a bit of a push to get back in the dating scene I decided it would be best to take the bull by the horns so to speak (you fall off the horse you get back on right?). So I took matters into my own hands, contacted this friend of a friend's friend and introduced myself. A little back-and-forth via Facebook and text and voila! - we had plans to meet for drinks on Tuesday night. And so with a deep breath and my eyes closed tight, I threw myself back into the dating pool.
A self-proclaimed non-dater (most of my significant relationships have evolved naturally out of friendships), I was really in unfamiliar territory here. Still somehow throughout the work week I managed to initiate some witty pre-date conversation, come up with a suitable game plan for the evening and even plan out an outfit. With my last relationship 6 months behind me and never in my life having been on a blind date, I figured I might be nervous but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was really feeling pretty even keel about the situation. It wasn't until Sunday night rolled around that thoughts of the pending date began weighing heavily on my mind
I found myself having what I considered to be some of the 'normal' types of stressful thoughts (concerns about my outfit, whether or not to offer to split the check, what if I don't like him? what if he doesn't like me?) but I also could sense something deeper. There was a heavy feeling of anxiety in my chest. That night I tossed and turned until 3 am when I finally fell into a restless sleep. Sure I had been out of the dating loop for awhile but this seemed like more than just the typical first date jitters. No, I was definitely experiencing a deeper kind of stress, like plunging off a cliff into the unknown.
The next evening driving home from work reflecting on the previous night's sleep (or lack thereof), I had a sudden realization that what I was stressed about wasn't really the date at all but what it represented in my mind: letting go of my past relationship and moving on. In reality, all I had committed to was to having drinks and a couple hours of conversation with another human being but I felt more like I was getting ready to sign a marriage license.
The next day in therapy when I told P about the stress I had been feeling she reiterated what I already knew - that my anxiety wasn't about the date itself. She also helped me define what I feared about moving on. It can be scary letting go of the past and facing a future that's uncertain especially when you've invested so much of yourself in another person. I began to realize that it's going to be hard and it's going to take a lot, including resetting my expectations for the future and adjusting my hopes and plans. It can be difficult to accept the past, especially when it didn't go as you planned but I'm starting to see that it's necessary to let go of the past in order to embrace the future. As we parted P gave me some good advice for my date that evening: if it goes well and we hit it off then great but if we don't then "just relax", she said "and enjoy your wine."
So with that in mind, I went home, put my iPOD on shuffle and began to get ready for the evening. As I felt myself begin to relax, my stress gave way to anticipation and even a little excitement. I even ditched my pre-planned outfit at the last minute for something I felt cuter and more confident in. And as I drove toward my destination for the evening, I actually felt really happy and found myself thinking that maybe this whole dating thing wouldn't be so bad after all.
As for my date…well, it was no love connection but it was decidedly still a huge success. It turns out putting myself back out there wasn't as scary as it seemed, it actually felt good, gutsy even. Realizing I have the confidence to be myself and also to trust myself to know what I want (and what I don't want) when it comes to dating is kind of empowering. This particular first date won't be leading a second one but that doesn't mean there won't be plenty of others that may. And even if I find myself on another dead end date sometime in the future, I know that I can always just sit back, relax and enjoy my wine.
-k
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