I'm No Charlie Sheen..

I had intended to write this week’s post about all of the ways in which we sabotage ourselves through self-defeating behaviors.  This is a theme that had been on my mind as I found myself going about my week.  It was going to be witty and poignant (some would  say groundbreaking).  I had a clever title picked out and everything.  I was looking forward to my therapy session so that I could piece everything together before sitting down to write tonight...

I arrived at my therapist’s office today literally bubbling over with things to talk about.  I couldn’t wait to tell P about all of the progress I had been noticing throughout the week: I had been feeling far more confident and content, making better decisions for myself, I had even finally told my mom that I was going to therapy (something we had talked about in previous sessions and that I had been wanting to do for awhile).  As I started to tell her about my week I kept focusing on this idea of self-sabotage (like any good writer doing research on her subject) and giving her examples of how I felt I had demonstrated these so-called sabotaging behaviors.  


I told her about all of the little things I did that I felt were causing me to get in my own way.   How I never seemed to be able to find where I’d parked my car at the mall for example, and I felt I had been ‘sabotaging’ myself by not even paying attention to where I’d left it in the first place, or how in the past I may have bought clothes I didn’t really like or that were ill-fitting and I wondered if this played into feelings of a negative self image.  I even used the example of celebrities in the media constantly causing trouble for themselves, falling in and out of rehab, to try to shed some light on my point.  

That’s when I began to feel like P and I weren’t really on the same page.  First, her definition of self-sabotage was different than what I’d had in mind (for the record, self-sabotaging behaviors tend to have detrimental effects on a person’s life or relationships while self-defeating behaviors are generally much more benign), and she also suggested a different potential cause for the reason behind some of my behaviors (was it perhaps my anxiety surrounding an idea I had of myself that was clouding my reasoning during some of these times rather than my subconscious setting me up?)  I slowly felt my balloon deflating as I kissed this week’s blog post (and my future Pulitzer...) goodbye.  Moreover I started to feel a little more doubtful about some of the progress I had been making and the value I had placed on it.

Feeling a little troubled that evening and in need of a new blog topic stat I decided to take my dogs for a walk to clear my head and hopefully generate some ideas.  I mentally reviewed my arsenal of potential themes, thinking back to previous weeks in therapy, and I silently lamented about today’s session not going the way I had planned.  That's when a thought occurred to me...had I let my blog dictate today’s therapy session?

As I considered this notion, I realized there were several important topics from my week that I hadn’t even had the chance to talk to P about: The great strides I was continuing to make at work, the fact that over the weekend I’d had one of the most fun and enjoyable evenings with my family that I can remember in a long time, my feelings surrounding my upcoming trip to Miami (granted there is only so much ground one can cover in a 50 minute session but still..)  I had let my focus on the idea of self-sabotage in a sense sabotage (or at least take over) my therapy session.  

I had talked to P about how I hoped my blog wouldn’t take away from my journaling (journaling is an important part of therapy for many reasons which I’ll probably touch upon in the future) but I never thought about how it might affect my actual therapy sessions.  The thing is, I get so excited when I’m feeling the effects of my progress that I want to bottle it up and share it with the world.  That’s one of the main reasons I had behind starting my blog.  I may be trying to approach the idea of therapy in sort of a cook-book manner but I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with that.  Besides I think it’s helpful to try and identify themes and ideas that may help serve as tools that I can use in the future.  That being said, while I intend to continue to use my therapy sessions to help clarify some of these concepts (this being one of more important ways in which I learn), I hope to also remember that the purpose for me being there is to learn about myself and I will try to be conscious to make that my primary goal.

So while I may not know sabotage, here is what I do know: I may have some behaviors that cause me to get in my own way but I rarely, if ever, actually truly sabotage myself and for that I am grateful.  Furthermore, as I go forth in therapy I am not only recognizing ways to sidestep these behaviors but I am also continuing to feel more confident and content in my everyday life and so even if I do get in my own way a little, it really doesn’t bother me as much any more.  And that, my friends, is what they call progress.

-k