I spent much of the past week in a haze. I had what could be described as a bad week. The kind of week flooded with an unfortunate cascade of events where one bad turn seems to beget another. I've had weeks like this before but this one was a doozy. Between drama at work, a series of sad cases (at my job I deal with life and death) and other events not going the way I had hoped or planned, there were many points where I could have gotten caught up in the whirlpool of emotions I felt bubbling at the surface.
Fresh off of a few weeks of feeling some really great progress from therapy I was aware that I could be due for a less exciting week. And with a few important and potentially stressful events on the horizon (my trip to Miami, my 30th birthday) I already knew that any wayward situations I encountered would need to be approached with caution. Towards the beginning of the week, even though I could sense the current of emotion, I was still able to keep my head above water and not be swept away by the undertow. I continued to bob along, maintaining a neutral stance as I watched the debris float by. By the end of the week, culminating with a particularly sad case at work, I could finally feel the waves rising around me. I was going under.
When it came time for my session with P I don't even think she had to ask me how my week had been; it was written all over my face. I was tearful as I talked to her about feeling discouraged and the realization that I had been making all of this progress and now to have a week like this felt like a failure. I questioned whether therapy could help me, whether I was capable of creating change for myself. I was disheartened that, after having experienced feeling so content and confident, here I was back at square one.
P pointed out that not only had I been making great strides with my personal goals but that these feelings of self-doubt are normal. We also talked about how when you're feeling really good these periods of negative emotion can often feel much more intense in contrast. (Although P reassured me that this does get better with time). I think I realize now more than ever that this process isn't easy and it really takes strength and courage to persevere and bring about positive change for yourself, especially during the times of self-doubt.
Interestingly, none of the so-called bad events of my week was likely responsible for my mood. Taken at a glance, I've certainly had weeks just like this, or probably much worse, where I didn't feel nearly as bad. For whatever reason, or combination of reasons (a miscommunication with my therapist, starting to become more open about therapy, the stress of an upcoming trip, a string of sad cases at work), I was left in a vulnerable state and I began to doubt myself which clouded my vision, kind of like opening your eyes under water. In retrospect I am now able to see a little more clearly some of the triggers behind these intense emotions. (Only when I'm in the middle of it, it feels more like a hurricane and I'm left to sort out the aftermath).
Looking back (and I only truly came to recognize this after reading through my journal and sitting down to write this post), I realize it was actually a pretty average week. I see that my negative feelings did tend to ebb and flow throughout the week (quite different from the hurricane I'd imagined) and I did have points at which I continued to make significant progress. I've certainly experienced a torrent of emotions like this before. What is different now is that I am able to view it almost from an outsider perspective, a lifeguard on the shore warning myself not to tread here or there because the tide is too high. I can notice my emotions or realize that I'm reacting to one event when I'm actually upset about something else entirely. In some cases this actually allowed me to keep my reactions in check.
Now as the fog clears heading into my next week and I'm able to once again gain some perspective I'm focusing on relaxing and enjoying my vacation, spending time with family and celebrating my birthday. And as I write this, sitting on a plane flying way above the ocean, I think I'm starting to see the sun again.
-k
No comments:
Post a Comment