Confessions Of A Closet Perfectionist

I have a tendency to be what you might call an over-achiever.  I like to make lists upon lists of things to do.  A typical day's list might include walking my dogs, going to the gym, working on my blog, finally tending to the piles of unfinished laundry that litter my bedroom floor, stopping by the grocery store and the post office, catching up on a few chapters in whatever book I'm currently reading, teaching myself to play a new song on the guitar (and I don't even know how to play the guitar) -  and all of this on top of a busy work day!  


To an outside observer that might sound like a wonderful quality because presumably I'd get a lot of things done.  In reality what ends up happening is that I cross a couple things off my to-do list and then, instead of feeling good about what I accomplished, I end up beating myself up for the things I didn't get around to.  I do try to allow myself time now and then to relax and read a magazine or to get caught up in a Bethenny Ever After marathon (one of my current favorites), yet even when I'm 'relaxing' I'm frequently working on something else, mentally reviewing my to-do lists or creating even more lists in my head.  It's never ending.  

P has referenced my perfectionistic side more than a few times in past sessions and although I have never really warmed up to the notion of myself as a perfectionist (did I mention the piles of unfinished laundry?) I do see her point. This little habit of mine leaves me constantly scrambling to eradicate my to-do list but in reality there is always going to be something else that needs to be done, one more thing to add to the list.   The end result is that I wind up perpetually striving yet always falling short.

Over the past couple weeks, P had asked me to reflect on some of the changes I'd been noticing in my life since beginning therapy and it didn't take long for me to compile a list:  Since starting therapy I've noticed that I experience less of what I refer to as 'mind chatter' (the constant nagging voice in my head).  I also no longer feel like I have to plan every second of every day.  I'm noticing less anxiety at work and in general.  Mundane tasks have become less annoying and even my drive to and from work doesn't seem quite as aggravating.  I'm even finding myself able to relax just a little bit more.  And perhaps most noteably: I'm not making as many lists.  In fact, as I was going about my week reflecting on changes and feeling relaxed I also noticed that miraculously things were getting done with relatively little effort on my part.  (Without my lists? Nonsense!)  

As I pondered this phenomenon I was reminded of an analogy that my best friend told me about a couple of months ago.  Imagine you have several large pebbles and a couple pints or so of sand that you're trying to fit into a modest-sized vase.  If you pour all of the sand in first and then try to stuff pebbles in there won't be enough room for everything.  But if you place the pebbles in first and then pour the sand in letting it filter in and around all of the pebbles it's a much easier fit.  It's an interesting parallel that could probably mean a lot of different things to different people but essentially the pebbles represent your priorities in life (spending time with friends or family, having enough personal time) and the sand represents all of the small, and often necessary, but tedious things in life (doing laundry, running errands, even worries and anxiety) that tend to consume so much of our time and attention. 

Last week in therapy I shared the pebbles and sand in a vase analogy with P and I told her how I'd found it helpful to conjure this image when I felt stressed.  Instead of becoming overwhelmed with my lists of things I'd like to accomplish, if I was able to make just one or two big things a priority, it seemed much easier to fit in all of the small things (and the things that I didn't get around to probably weren't that important in the first place).  If I'm able to focus on my priorities first then not only can I tackle the smaller things with more gusto but I also feel better because I was able to get the most important things accomplished and in turn, I feel more relaxed.  And you can apply this principle to multiple areas of life: prioritizing at work, prioritizing your free time and yes, even tackling to-do lists.  

Always keeping the big picture in mind, P asked me how this notion might impact me in the future, particularly when it comes to relationships.  At first I was a little thrown by her question and I strained to make a connection but now I wonder if perhaps I've been treating my relationships like one giant to-do list.  I try to check off all of the things that seem right but in the end it's all of the little things that keep getting me bogged down.  Maybe in my next relationship if I'm able to focus on a couple big elements instead of worrying about all of the little things then it might all eventually fall into place.  And I'll probably be able to relax more and actually enjoy it for what it is instead of beating it up for all the things that it isn't. 


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that I should have to settle for less than extraordinary, not by any means, but no relationship is going to be perfect, and yet that's what I've been striving for all along.  So while I may not fit the bill in the traditional sense, perhaps I am a bit of perfectionist after all…just don't tell P I told you that!  ;)

-k

Take A Chance On Me

I'm going to let you in on a little secret…I have an incredible singing voice.  It's true.  In the car or in the shower, when I'm by myself, there are times I could rival Christina Aguilera.  Curiously, my musical talents don't seem transfer over into the outside world, like in front of crowds or whenever any other people are around for that matter (there must be something about being in an enclosed space that makes the acoustics just right).  Nevertheless I love to sing karaoke.  There's something I find very appealing about getting up in front of a small crowd, gripping onto a microphone and really giving it my all.  

This past Saturday I made plans to go out and sing karaoke with some friends.  A small group of us gathered at a sushi bar downtown, mostly coworkers but there were a few new faces also.  With karaoke on the menu, I had suspected the evening might present an opportunity for me to make a fool of myself but I didn't realize that it would provide me with a chance to reflect on some of the progress I'd been making in therapy also.  In the past being out in a group like this especially with some people I didn't know might have left me feeling awkward or uncomfortable and, I'll admit, as I initially glanced around the table at some of the unfamiliar faces I could feel myself fidgeting a little with my sake glass.  But then suddenly something began to change.  I could actually feel a shift within myself and as I became aware of the situation it was almost as if my entire perspective changed in that instant leaving me with a surge of peace and confidence.  Feeling more at ease, I was able to focus my attention outward instead of on myself and as a result I had a much better time than I might have otherwise.

On Tuesday in therapy I told P about my fun evening out (although I left out the part about the sake) and I also described for her the "change of vision" I had experienced.  P explained that this is what it feels like when you begin to change as a result of therapy.  First you start by noticing small things and then, as your entire mindset begins to shift, the benefits of therapy resonate effortlessly into other areas of your life.  


Consider my blind date, the subject of last week's blog.  In the past, being set up on a blind date is something I probably never would have agreed to, let alone initiated.  Yet building confidence in other areas of my life (such as work and social situations) allowed me to enter more boldly into the dating arena.  P even pointed out that changing up my pre-planned date outfit last minute for something a little more fun and flirty (something I'd viewed as a small detail) suggested that I had taken an even bigger risk than I'd previously realized.  Even with all my anxiety about moving on from my last relationship fresh in my mind, I had managed to set that aside for the time being and put my best face forward.  

My session with P got me thinking about risks.  Take karaoke for example:  For some people (myself included) the act of getting up and singing in front of a crowd for the first time can feel risky to say the least.  But if you can muster up the confidence to just go for it you'll typically find that, not only is it incredibly fun and liberating, but it usually goes better than you think (Ok I said usually, but seriously what's the worst that could happen? I have yet to hear of a case of someone's head exploding after being subject to a bad rendition of Dancing Queen).  And then the more you do it, the less scary it seems.  The more comfortable you become taking chances in life the more quickly you begin to free yourself from the confines of your own limitations.

Having the courage to take risks (even small ones) is crucial to so many aspects of life.  Anything from telling a joke or making small talk with strangers to bigger things like speaking up for your your needs or learning to open yourself up again after you've been hurt can be considered a risk if you think about it - even by going through the process of therapy I'm taking a big chance on myself.  


Maybe that's part of what I like so much about karaoke...it serves as a subtle reminder of how invigorating and rewarding it can be to take chances.  And perhaps that's why I continue to face the crowd and give it my all again and again, in hopes of delivering that Grammy winning performance I know deep down I'm capable of.

-k

Back in the Saddle Again

This week I set myself up on a blind date.  Well, kind of… I have a friend of a friend who has a friend (stick with me here) who I heard through the grapevine that I might be interested in meeting so I took it upon myself to facilitate our introduction.  Trust me when I say that this was way beyond my scope of comfort.  Still, feeling a little apprehensive since my last relationship and needing a bit of a push to get back in the dating scene I decided it would be best to take the bull by the horns so to speak (you fall off the horse you get back on right?).  So I took matters into my own hands, contacted this friend of a friend's friend and introduced myself.  A little back-and-forth via Facebook and text and voila! - we had plans to meet for drinks on Tuesday night.  And so with a deep breath and my eyes closed tight, I threw myself back into the dating pool.  

A self-proclaimed non-dater (most of my significant relationships have evolved naturally out of friendships), I was really in unfamiliar territory here.  Still somehow throughout the work week I managed to initiate some witty pre-date conversation, come up with a suitable game plan for the evening and even plan out an outfit.  With my last relationship 6 months behind me and never in my life having been on a blind date, I figured I might be nervous but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was really feeling pretty even keel about the situation.  It wasn't until Sunday night rolled around that thoughts of the pending date began weighing heavily on my mind

I found myself having what I considered to be some of the 'normal' types of stressful thoughts (concerns about my outfit, whether or not to offer to split the check, what if I don't like him? what if he doesn't like me?) but I also could sense something deeper.  There was a heavy feeling of anxiety in my chest.  That night I tossed and turned until 3 am when I finally fell into a restless sleep.  Sure I had been out of the dating loop for awhile but this seemed like more than just the typical first date jitters.  No, I was definitely experiencing a deeper kind of stress, like plunging off a cliff into the unknown.  

The next evening driving home from work reflecting on the previous night's sleep (or lack thereof), I had a sudden realization that what I was stressed about wasn't really the date at all but what it represented in my mind: letting go of my past relationship and moving on.  In reality, all I had committed to was to having drinks and a couple hours of conversation with another human being but I felt more like I was getting ready to sign a marriage license.  

The next day in therapy when I told P about the stress I had been feeling she reiterated what I already knew - that my anxiety wasn't about the date itself.  She also helped me define what I feared about moving on.  It can be scary letting go of the past and facing a future that's uncertain especially when you've invested so much of yourself in another person.  I began to realize that it's going to be hard and it's going to take a lot, including resetting my expectations for the future and adjusting my hopes and plans.  It can be difficult to accept the past, especially when it didn't go as you planned but I'm starting to see that it's necessary to let go of the past in order to embrace the future.  As we parted P gave me some good advice for my date that evening:  if it goes well and we hit it off then great but if we don't then "just relax", she said "and enjoy your wine."  

So with that in mind, I went home, put my iPOD on shuffle and began to get ready for the evening.  As I felt myself begin to relax, my stress gave way to anticipation and even a little excitement. I even ditched my pre-planned outfit at the last minute for something I felt cuter and more confident in.  And as I drove toward my destination for the evening, I actually felt really happy and found myself thinking that maybe this whole dating thing wouldn't be so bad after all.  

As for my date…well, it was no love connection but it was decidedly still a huge success.  It turns out putting myself back out there wasn't as scary as it seemed, it actually felt good, gutsy even.  Realizing I have the confidence to be myself and also to trust myself to know what I want (and what I don't want) when it comes to dating is kind of empowering.  This particular first date won't be leading a second one but that doesn't mean there won't be plenty of others that may.  And even if I find myself on another dead end date sometime in the future, I know that I can always just sit back, relax and enjoy my wine.

-k