A Leap For Love

Sorry if I've been a little MIA lately it's just that my life is kind of on fire right now. I've recently moved into my new home (which I've been happily busy furnishing and decorating), I'm enjoying exploring a new neighborhood, a new, shorter commute to work and I have a new dog on top of everything (that makes three if you're counting). So yeah, life's been a little busy these days. And I also somehow suddenly woke up and found myself in a relationship. It didn't actually happen over night - in fact, it almost didn't happen at all. If I'm being honest, I'd have to say that this relationship came about despite my very best efforts to avoid it. 

It's been a little over a year now since my last serious relationship, the one that prompted me to turn to therapy. Despite all of the things I've gained from therapy that have nothing to do with romance, I have to admit that getting to a place where I could find myself in a loving, secure relationship was my ultimate goal from the very beginning. At various times throughout this journey I've wondered how I'd fare with my next romantic venture. Given what happened in the past, I had a feeling I'd be cautious but I don't think I ever could have predicted just how closed off I would actually be until I finally had an opportunity for romance staring me right in the face. 

As I mentioned to P on several occasions, I had really wanted the dating process to parallel my experience with house hunting. I worried a lot about whether I would be able to trust myself to make the 'right' decisions, to weed out the negativity and fears and just go with my gut, as I had ultimately been able to do with the purchase of my home. To compare navigating a relationship to house hunting is a lovely notion in theory. The truth is, when you find yourself in a situation where you're falling for someone pretty much all logic goes out the window. It truly becomes a matter of the heart. 

I'd love to say that there was a natural progression of boy meets girl and so on, but in reality there have been a lot of ups and downs, some pushing and shoving (mostly on my end) and there's also been a fair share of doubt. In fact, if I hadn't been aware of some of my feelings and behaviors and how they affected my thought process I might have missed the love boat entirely.  

For example, there was one night, after things had been going really well, when my guy and I were having a conversation and making plans for later in the week. He told me he might not be able to make it to a dinner where I had hoped to introduce him to my friends. It was innocent enough - a simple conflict of schedule - but it triggered a strong emotion in me tied to a memory from a past relationship, a pretty intense fear of being let down and hurt. Even recognizing it in the moment, I tried to reason my way through it, reminding myself that the past was the past and this was a new situation, but it was too late. I could already feel myself emotionally and physically pulling away as I started to reject the relationship that I had been so excited about just days before. 

That following week I found myself tearful talking to P in her office, already grieving the loss of my brand new relationship. I struggled to understand how I had made such a complete 180 turn with my feelings so quickly. I was downhearted as I told her about the previous week's events and the strong emotional trigger that had been brought up. P helped me break down the scenario and understand why being in a situation where I was feeling bad about myself might make me feel less great about the relationship in general. I started to recognize that my anxiety was getting the best of me and causing me to focus on all of the smaller, negative things and ignore some pretty big positives like how this guy was caring and creative and kind and how I couldn't stop smiling whenever I thought about him. What I began to realize was that I actually still really wanted the relationship to work and yet here I was accepting it was over before I'd ever even given it a chance. 

Always the voice of reason, P advised me to take it easy for a couple days, to give myself some room to breathe and then see how I felt about the relationship. I followed her advice, took some time time and checked in with myself to see what I truly wanted. I wanted in. Over the next few days my emotional compass slowly turned back to where it had been the week before and I began to feel really good about the relationship again.

Navigating a new relationship is no piece of cake, especially when you've been hurt (and let's face it, who hasn't?). There are always going to be little trials and insecurities at the start and that just comes with the territory. Case in point: here I was, having wanted to find love for so long and yet I nearly foiled it by getting caught up in all the things I've worked so hard on in therapy - worrying, over-analyzing, putting up barriers. P, never quite as hard on me as I am on myself, reminded me that applying the skills I've gained from therapy to a relationship is an entirely new situation that comes with it's own challenges. When it came down to it what tripped me up the most was being guarded (he even called me out on it). 

Even as I become more and more comfortable within the relationship I'm still fighting urges to wall myself in. From a logic standpoint it's completely ridiculous. He's given me absolutely no reason to feel insecure - there have been times throughout the past month when I couldn't have felt more cared for - but the memories are there, and my mind is still trying to protect me from a world of hurt. 

Everybody gets hurt, my situation is not unique. Falling in love is just another leap of faith. It's scary and wonderful all in one breath. It's taken this journey (and a charmingly blunt guy to point it out) to realize just how guarded I've become and the truth is that I'm still scared. But the difference now is that I'm no longer letting it hold me back. I'm learning how to harness my fear and run with it. I'm learning how to take a leap for love.

-k