I pump my own gas. Always. Flowers and cards honestly make me a little flustered. Pulling out my chair for me at dinner is a nice gesture but be prepared that I may get confused and take the opposite seat anyway forcing an awkward moment where we have to switch our drinks to fit the new seating arrangement (drinks which you've pre-ordered, much to my dismay). You might get away with picking up the tab on a first date but if there's a second one you can bet your booty I'm paying. If you say something even remotely romantic too soon then it's all over. Don't get me wrong, it's sweet but I'm just not ready for that yet. Don't even think about surprising me, especially in front of others. I'm five steps ahead of you. Besides, I'll be the one calling the shots here, thank you very much.
You want to impress me? Bring me something totally off the wall like a Klondike bar in the middle of winter. Or talk to me about sharks. Sharks I can handle.
But please don't text me goodnight out of the blue. Ever. I'll pick you to pieces.
If you're considering trying to date me these are just a few of the stipulations you can expect to come across. It's true, I have some pretty rigid requirements when it comes to romance. Combine that with my innate analytical tendencies and what you've got is a recipe for dating disaster. I might as well wear a warning sign: Any prospective suitor will be subject to intense scrutiny. Even when I do find myself interested in a guy, the moment I sense my affection being returned, I feel myself losing grip on the reigns and I start backpedaling internally. Before long, I've picked and pulled at the situation so much that it looks like a giant sweater unraveling. How could there be any room left for romance amidst all that fluff?
Interestingly, some of my favorite movies showcase grandiose romantic gestures. I love how unabashedly Adam Sandler asks Drew Barrymore out over and over again in 50 First Dates. The flash card scene from Love Actually always makes me cry. A sappy love song? Bring it on. My iPod is literally filled with them. Clearly I want romance in my life, I just don't know how to receive it.
You see, it's just that I've always wanted to be able to take care of everything by myself. Sink clogged? I'll fix it myself. Car broken down? I've got it covered. There's a problem, I can handle it. On my own. Without help from anybody else.
Why am I so uncomfortable being taken care of? I'm not sure exactly but I think it's that I'm afraid of having someone to rely on. Even when I've been in relationships with people who I trust I've found it difficult to just allow someone to simply care for and take care of me.
Looking back now I see it's with a guarded heart and suspicious brow that I've navigated my past relationships. I've held them at an arms length in effort to help lessen the blow when they slip out of reach. I thwart romantic efforts for fear of being swept off my feet and out of my comfort zone. I scrutinize every move because I figure that maybe if I can figure them out I won't be let down when it all unravels and I'm left alone.
My rules are there for a reason. They've helped protect me from getting in deeper than my heart can handle. Until I learn to let someone in I may never fall down again but I'll never allow myself to really fall in love either. If I can let go of my rules and relax a little then maybe I can allow myself to be open to romance after all.
So to all potential suitors: You've seen the sign, consider yourself warned. But if you're still up for the challenge then go ahead and buy me a gift, something ridiculously thoughtful and over-the-top sweet. I may laugh it off uncomfortably at first but it's quite possible that later, when no one's looking, I may actually look back at it and smile.
-k
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