Hope, Dream, Imagine..

'I haven't a clue as to how my story will end but that's all right.  When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished.  And how else could we discover the stars?'  - Nancy Willard

I had the most wonderful weekend.  For starters, my best friend was in town and the majority of my time over the past few days was spent hanging out with her and visiting with our relatives (my best friend from high school also just happened to marry my cousin which makes us related by default - something I'm pretty sure all childhood best friends dream of).  We had a great time catching up and celebrating as my aunt and uncle welcomed a new baby into the family.  Between her own growing family (found out that she's pregnant!) and me being on the verge of purchasing my very first home we had a lot of things to talk about.  With that on top of the new baby, my brother moving back home and my little sister going away to graduate school, it feels like a time of very exciting change!  

Sunday evening we had met up with another old high school friend for dinner and afterward the three of us wandered over to a coffee shop and sat outside chatting as the sun went down.  At one point the discussion turned to travel and we began to list all of the places we'd like to vacation someday once we had the luxury.  I imagined how lovely it would feel to be having this conversation while dining al fresco at a little cafe in Italy.  As we sat there on the patio outside the coffee shop sipping our macchiatos and eating gelato I felt the warm breeze on my cheeks and as I glanced around at the picturesque backdrop framed by dark green ivy growing up the wall I wondered what more we really could have asked for in that very moment?  What a welcome reminder to embrace and enjoy the present. 

Later that night, back at my best friend's parents' house, she and I were sitting outside reminiscing about our friendship and all the good times (and some fights) that we'd had and how we'd had our share of ups and downs but had always managed to come back together.  We realized it was kind of amazing as we considered all of the events that had taken shape in order to bring us to where we are now with her married to my cousin, a permanent part of my family.   It seemed it couldn't have gone more perfectly if we'd planned it (and believe me, we tried!)  Looking at all that had taken place over the past 15 years and all the changes yet to come we couldn't help but wonder what our lives would be like in 10 or even 5 more years down the road.  It got me thinking about how the important people seem to weave in and out of our lives no matter what the circumstances and it gave me a great sense of comfort about the future.

You see, earlier in the week my most recent previous boyfriend (the relationship whose ending had first prompted me to turn to therapy) had emailed me after about 9 months without any contact.  The details of our relationship I won't discuss now, perhaps sometime in the future, but he and I had also been childhood friends which I think made the rise and fall of our romance particularly difficult for me.  I had a hard time reconciling the idea that someone who I'd always valued to be an important part of my life could just be erased from it, in any capacity. 


While it was somewhat bittersweet to hear from him (what happened between us hasn't entirely been resolved and it is a long road back to building the friendship we once had), there was a feeling of comfort that came with it.  For most of our lives our paths have intertwined in some very extraordinary ways, I believe for some reason, whether simply to grow and learn from one another or to provide a more constant source of companionship I'm really not sure.  But I do know that my relationship with him helped me to discover some very important things about myself not the least of which is that I'm stronger than I once realized.  I don't know what will come of our recent reconcile (and what, if anything, I even hope to gain from it) but I think I'll take a lesson from last week's post and just take it one day at a time.  It's impossible to know what the future holds and yet that's also the beauty of life, it's like a great mystery waiting to be unraveled. 

I came upon the quote at the beginning of this post just this morning, quite by accident, but it really very nicely sums up how I've been feeling over these past few days.  Much like a season finale cliffhanger of my favorite TV show I feel that my life is on the brink of something great. With so many possibilities for the future, I feel all at once very excited and even satisfied to just sit with the unknown and drink it in.  I don't know what the future holds but for once I feel very content with that.  I feel like the bigger picture will take shape as it should.  


Much of my session with P today was spent discussing my newfound peace with all of this and how it reflects how far I've come since I first came to her, fresh off a breakup, back in September.  I'd mentioned back in my very first post when describing the comforting layout of P's office that the words 'dream' and 'hope' displayed on the wall on the left side of the room are now familiar and constant fixtures.  I'm not sure whether it was new decor or my mindset or just chance but I found it very fitting that in 8 months of therapy and over thirty times of walking in and out of her office that on this particular day as I got up to leave I glanced over to the right side of the room and for the first time noticed that very discretely but carefully laid on the end table next to the chair where I always sit was also a set of silver block letters that spelled out the word 'imagine.' 

-k