A New Perspective

I walked into P's office this week without a whole lot new to report.  I was beginning to feel like a broken record (albeit one playing a much happier tune these days) but in general, I had just been feeling really good.  I had worked the past 6 days in a row including Sunday (yes, seriously) but I wasn't too distraught over it.  After a couple days of over-indulging at family events (Pizzeria Bianco and ice cream!) I was still feeling pretty good from a health and fitness standpoint.  I had also spent time reviewing and editing some of the posts from this blog while continuing to brainstorm ideas for my newest blog project.  And even though it had been a busy week I'd still managed to fit in time to sort out some money matters in regards to my student loans and mortgage loan for my upcoming home purchase.

Coming down off of the high I'd been on during the previous week with all it's excitement and with my feelings over my old boyfriend's email still hanging in the balance I had wondered whether I might be headed for a more somber mood and in fact toward the end of the week I did find myself feeling a little sad and even teary at times.  I gave myself some time and space to wallow just a little.  At one point I even put a tear-invoking song on my iPod, hit repeat and encouraged myself to have a good cry.  ('Can You Feel the Love Tonight' from the Lion King soundtrack does it for me every time. I'll have you know that I'm sharing very privileged information with you here - do NOT tell anyone I told you this).  


As I told P in a fairly nonchalant manner about how I'd been feeling a little down and how I thought it was to be expected I realized it was a little more significant than I'd given myself credit for.  Instead of viewing my sadness as a setback or a negative thing (as I might have done in the past) I had accepted it as a natural part of the process.  I really think this speaks to how far I've come in therapy and opens up a whole new way of thinking for me.

In fact, over the past few weeks I've noticed that I'm becoming more comfortable with the ups and downs in a lot of aspects of life.  For example, as I mentioned it was a busy work week and I didn't get a chance to exercise as much as I normally like to.  Saturdays I typically go the gym for a long run after work but I was feeling a little worn out so instead I came home and took a nap with my dogs and it was just what I needed.  I woke up feeling much more refreshed and didn't worry about missing my gym time.

I'm beginning to learn to take the highs with the lows, the soars with the slumps and I think it's giving me a more positive outlook on life.  Beginning to dissolve my perfectionistic way of thinking has not only done wonders for my stress level but I believe it's making me more primed for success.  According to P the all or nothing way of thinking is nearly always is very limiting and if you consider it for a moment it makes sense.  Instead of feeling bad and giving up or losing motivation when I'm faced with an obstacle or setback I'm now learning to take a deep breath, give myself some space and come back and look at the situation with a fresh perspective.

P and I spent a little time talking about the power of accepting and enjoying the present.  Rather than lamenting about the past or trying to fast forward to the future, being more accepting of your life and where you are at any point allows you to just be open to opportunities instead of focusing on what's lacking and that often it seems that this is when opportunities will come flying at you.  P also mentioned that simply being open to all possibilities and not having any set or rigid expectations about a situation often makes for a happier outcome.  I think I'm already starting to see some of the effects of this.

This is definitely a new way of thinking for me.  Even as I write this I still have so many ideas swirling around in my head for the next steps I'd like to take in my life and it has me feeling both excited and a little frustrated.   Its during these times when I'm frustrated with the process and feeling like I don't have enough time or resources for everything I want to do that I need to just push through and and stay in a positive frame of mind to allow for some inspiration to arrive.  Life is full of ups and downs but if I'm able to just hang on, ride out the twists and turns and keep moving forward I'm starting to believe that it could open up a whole new world of possibilities. 

-k

Hope, Dream, Imagine..

'I haven't a clue as to how my story will end but that's all right.  When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished.  And how else could we discover the stars?'  - Nancy Willard

I had the most wonderful weekend.  For starters, my best friend was in town and the majority of my time over the past few days was spent hanging out with her and visiting with our relatives (my best friend from high school also just happened to marry my cousin which makes us related by default - something I'm pretty sure all childhood best friends dream of).  We had a great time catching up and celebrating as my aunt and uncle welcomed a new baby into the family.  Between her own growing family (found out that she's pregnant!) and me being on the verge of purchasing my very first home we had a lot of things to talk about.  With that on top of the new baby, my brother moving back home and my little sister going away to graduate school, it feels like a time of very exciting change!  

Sunday evening we had met up with another old high school friend for dinner and afterward the three of us wandered over to a coffee shop and sat outside chatting as the sun went down.  At one point the discussion turned to travel and we began to list all of the places we'd like to vacation someday once we had the luxury.  I imagined how lovely it would feel to be having this conversation while dining al fresco at a little cafe in Italy.  As we sat there on the patio outside the coffee shop sipping our macchiatos and eating gelato I felt the warm breeze on my cheeks and as I glanced around at the picturesque backdrop framed by dark green ivy growing up the wall I wondered what more we really could have asked for in that very moment?  What a welcome reminder to embrace and enjoy the present. 

Later that night, back at my best friend's parents' house, she and I were sitting outside reminiscing about our friendship and all the good times (and some fights) that we'd had and how we'd had our share of ups and downs but had always managed to come back together.  We realized it was kind of amazing as we considered all of the events that had taken shape in order to bring us to where we are now with her married to my cousin, a permanent part of my family.   It seemed it couldn't have gone more perfectly if we'd planned it (and believe me, we tried!)  Looking at all that had taken place over the past 15 years and all the changes yet to come we couldn't help but wonder what our lives would be like in 10 or even 5 more years down the road.  It got me thinking about how the important people seem to weave in and out of our lives no matter what the circumstances and it gave me a great sense of comfort about the future.

You see, earlier in the week my most recent previous boyfriend (the relationship whose ending had first prompted me to turn to therapy) had emailed me after about 9 months without any contact.  The details of our relationship I won't discuss now, perhaps sometime in the future, but he and I had also been childhood friends which I think made the rise and fall of our romance particularly difficult for me.  I had a hard time reconciling the idea that someone who I'd always valued to be an important part of my life could just be erased from it, in any capacity. 


While it was somewhat bittersweet to hear from him (what happened between us hasn't entirely been resolved and it is a long road back to building the friendship we once had), there was a feeling of comfort that came with it.  For most of our lives our paths have intertwined in some very extraordinary ways, I believe for some reason, whether simply to grow and learn from one another or to provide a more constant source of companionship I'm really not sure.  But I do know that my relationship with him helped me to discover some very important things about myself not the least of which is that I'm stronger than I once realized.  I don't know what will come of our recent reconcile (and what, if anything, I even hope to gain from it) but I think I'll take a lesson from last week's post and just take it one day at a time.  It's impossible to know what the future holds and yet that's also the beauty of life, it's like a great mystery waiting to be unraveled. 

I came upon the quote at the beginning of this post just this morning, quite by accident, but it really very nicely sums up how I've been feeling over these past few days.  Much like a season finale cliffhanger of my favorite TV show I feel that my life is on the brink of something great. With so many possibilities for the future, I feel all at once very excited and even satisfied to just sit with the unknown and drink it in.  I don't know what the future holds but for once I feel very content with that.  I feel like the bigger picture will take shape as it should.  


Much of my session with P today was spent discussing my newfound peace with all of this and how it reflects how far I've come since I first came to her, fresh off a breakup, back in September.  I'd mentioned back in my very first post when describing the comforting layout of P's office that the words 'dream' and 'hope' displayed on the wall on the left side of the room are now familiar and constant fixtures.  I'm not sure whether it was new decor or my mindset or just chance but I found it very fitting that in 8 months of therapy and over thirty times of walking in and out of her office that on this particular day as I got up to leave I glanced over to the right side of the room and for the first time noticed that very discretely but carefully laid on the end table next to the chair where I always sit was also a set of silver block letters that spelled out the word 'imagine.' 

-k

Charting My Course

Some weeks I arrive at my therapist's office with no clear plan of what I want to discuss.  Other times I have so many concepts and thoughts that fly at me throughout the week that I don't know even know where to begin.  This was one of those weeks.  Last session P and I had revisited my list of original objectives from when I'd first started therapy (you remember, the one that made me cry?).  This time when we reviewed the list, not only did I not cry, but I was actually able to see that I had been sailing toward my goals with flying colors.  I left that session feeling pleased with what I'd accomplished and with a renewed enthusiasm for therapy and the process of self discovery, excited to set out and conquer even more.  

Later that week I snuck away on my lunch break to journal at Starbucks.  I had been wanting to sit down and map out some of my new goals for therapy.  I knew that I wanted to keep working on building confidence in my career (and self-confidence in general), to continue to reduce anxiety and stress in my daily life and the associated physical symptoms (when I'm stressed I feel it very acutely in the form of pain in my cheeks and jaw - you know that sort of pungent feeling you get when you bite into a sour patch kid? It's kind of like that).  I decided that I now also wanted to hone in on learning to trust my instincts, to begin to build more confidence in dealing with money related matters and perhaps one of my biggest goals was to continue to come from a place that was more genuine and open in relationships (with friends, family and eventually romantic relationships also).  What I started to realize is that being more authentic in my relationships really comes down to continuing to get in touch with becoming a more authentic version of myself.  Once I'm able to do that then all of the other stuff just comes naturally.  

I remember in one of my first sessions with P she mentioned that when people go through the process of therapy they often come out the other side surprised that who they thought they were isn't actually who they were at all.  I had already experienced some changes in myself since beginning therapy.  I decided to spend the next few days giving a little bit of thought to who I really am, and what it is that I want (not just out of therapy but life in general).  


So I started to ask myself some questions:  What are the things in life that I find most important? What drives and inspires me?  What began to emerge was my passion for therapy and wellness, pets, cooking, health, and finding balance amidst a busy lifestyle.  I've also known for awhile that I have a strong desire to share my ideas and experience with others yet, as a busy professional myself, I wasn't really sure where it all fit in.  I racked my brain for ways that I could bring more of my passions into the forefront of my everyday life.

Then, over the weekend, I was at the gym (where all of my most inspired thoughts seem to strike) when suddenly it hit me like a gust of wind.  Ideas were coming at me so fast I could barely keep up with jotting them down in the notepad of my phone.  I felt electrified as I imagined all of the possibilities for incorporating these things into my life. Continuing to further develop my therapy blog (maybe even writing a book someday?), expanding the blog to include some of my other topics of interest, reaching out and sharing my experience and advice with other working professionals in the future…  


Even the next day, as I was out hiking, my mind was still literally exploding with ideas.  Fueled by my excitement I bounded up the mountain with ease.  It was brainstorming at its finest.  I knew no boundaries.  I was a force to be reckoned with!

Unfortunately for me there's often a fine line that exists between feeling excited and feeling overwhelmed and my enthusiasm quickly gave way to stress (sour patch kids anyone??).  I began to imagine all of the obstacles that stood in my way of getting from point A to point B.  Sure I had no shortage of ideas but I wasn't even certain yet which ones I wanted to pursue or what I wanted the end result to be.  As my mind absorbed the weight of my doubts I suddenly noticed I had stopped in the middle of the hiking trail, dead in my tracks.  


That's when I realized that I was making it bigger than it was.  Any venture or journey in life is just a series of small steps taken one at a time.  If you let yourself become overwhelmed by the big picture and everything that could go wrong not only is it stressful but you run the risk of psyching yourself out so much that you become scared to take a step in any direction.  It's not always necessary to know exactly where you're going but sometimes just aiming in the right direction is enough.  You can always fine tune the details later.  I may not arrive at my destination tomorrow (and who even knows what that destination will be?) but if I keep taking steps in the right direction (even small ones) I know I'll get there eventually.  

How do I know this process works? Because it's the same method I use to write my blog each week.  I don't ever sit down and just write an entire post from start to finish.  Instead I have a general idea of where I'd like it to go so I throw in a little piece here, a sentence there, cut and paste a few times until suddenly I can see it all taking shape before my eyes.  Yes I know that I can't cut and paste in life and there's no delete button (although don't you wish there was sometimes!) but even if I veer off course a little, as long as whatever I'm putting out there comes from a place of authenticity within myself I believe that I will manage to find my way back on track.  

-k