I spent Mother's Day with my family, as most people probably did. And as most people probably did (whether they realized it at the time or not), I fell victim to the inner workings of my family dynamics. Take it from someone who's in therapy, there's nothing like a family gathering to test your newfound skills and resolve. Here's an example of how this played out for me this past Sunday.
(Disclaimer: Although I aim to be as forthcoming and open as I can, I am fully aware that I am blogging details of my life of my own accord and, therefore recognize the need to protect other people's feelings and privacy. With that in mind, some of the names and specifics of the situation I'm about to describe have been changed in order to protect the innocent…. )
My dog E has incontinence issues (reason #147 why I'm a great catch for those of you keeping track) which tends to bother my younger sister. Admittedly, this would certainly be an issue for many people. Aware that I had planned to bring my dogs to our parents' house on Mother's Day, my sister sent me a text asking that I do something to, let's just say, better his situation. While her concern may or may not have been a valid one (not the point), I took some personal offense to her request.
I had been out shopping for last minute grocery items for our family brunch and as I stood there in the baking aisle I could feel my previously happy demeanor shift to a more somber one. Instead of looking forward to spending the day with my family, I was now kind of dreading it and I felt myself struggling not to shrink back into a more subdued, quieter version of myself. In my mind it felt like my plans were being shoved aside for my sister's version of how the day should go. I could feel some negative thoughts creeping in and I even started doubting my outfit of choice for the day (leggings topped with a shirt that my sister has expressed distaste for in the past).
I had been out shopping for last minute grocery items for our family brunch and as I stood there in the baking aisle I could feel my previously happy demeanor shift to a more somber one. Instead of looking forward to spending the day with my family, I was now kind of dreading it and I felt myself struggling not to shrink back into a more subdued, quieter version of myself. In my mind it felt like my plans were being shoved aside for my sister's version of how the day should go. I could feel some negative thoughts creeping in and I even started doubting my outfit of choice for the day (leggings topped with a shirt that my sister has expressed distaste for in the past).
A short time later, with that issue on the back burner for the time being, I was driving out to my parents' house with my dogs and older brother in tow. My brother, who had been commenting on and scrutinizing my choices for the better part of the morning (from my Mother's Day gift to what I was eating for breakfast), was now intent on analyzing my driving skills. I could feel myself growing more agitated as he urged me to speed up, slow down, switch lanes.
Already a little ruffled by my sister's remarks, I fought the urge to immediately go on the defense. As we made the turn onto the long dirt road leading out to my parents' house I was just about to launch into a tirade about how I feel like he constantly criticizes me when he cursed a slow truck that had pulled in front of us. I realized suddenly that his miserable comments weren't being personally aimed at me. I actually smiled, happy to have been given that little reminder because it allowed me to put things in perspective. In fact I started making notes for my blog in the notepad of my phone right then and there (Disclaimer #2: I do not advocate trying to blog while driving).
Already a little ruffled by my sister's remarks, I fought the urge to immediately go on the defense. As we made the turn onto the long dirt road leading out to my parents' house I was just about to launch into a tirade about how I feel like he constantly criticizes me when he cursed a slow truck that had pulled in front of us. I realized suddenly that his miserable comments weren't being personally aimed at me. I actually smiled, happy to have been given that little reminder because it allowed me to put things in perspective. In fact I started making notes for my blog in the notepad of my phone right then and there (Disclaimer #2: I do not advocate trying to blog while driving).
I'm sharing this story, not as an attempt to demonize my brother or sister (I have great siblings - I typically get along well with my brother and my sister is my best friend), but simply to illustrate how much effect seemingly small events like this can have on your state of well being if you aren't aware of the situation (and even if you are well-aware as I was!)
With each instance that I allowed myself to feel bad I was letting someone else get inside my head and tell me that my way of doing things was wrong or simply that I was wrong just for being myself. Being scrutinized in any form makes you question yourself which can build self-doubt if you aren't careful. Whether it's being challenged for liking a particular song or shirt or diet or lifestyle choice or whatever, over time these situations can have a negative cumulative effect on your self image as a whole.
With each instance that I allowed myself to feel bad I was letting someone else get inside my head and tell me that my way of doing things was wrong or simply that I was wrong just for being myself. Being scrutinized in any form makes you question yourself which can build self-doubt if you aren't careful. Whether it's being challenged for liking a particular song or shirt or diet or lifestyle choice or whatever, over time these situations can have a negative cumulative effect on your self image as a whole.
P and I have talked in the past about how I tend to internalize these types of situations, maybe more so than most people do, and while my notions of self-doubt may be reinforced occasionally by my parents or siblings, they certainly aren't unique to family interactions. When each of my major past relationships ended (some for reasons completely beyond my control) I shouldered a lot of the blame, wondering what was wrong with me that caused the relationship to fall apart. Time and time again, I beat myself up to no end when in reality, the only thing wrong with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me in the first place!
Let me let you in on a little secret: There is no better than or best, no absolute right or wrong, there's only what's best for or what's right or wrong for you. I'm learning that you shouldn't take other people's negativity to heart. (Sometimes naysayers are just that!) And more importantly, please don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are wrong simply for being yourself. Ok? And I promise to do the same.
-k
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