Investing in Myself: A Sure Bet

Hair stylists, personal trainers, financial advisors, therapists…in this day and age it's important to have a good team of people to help keep you looking and feeling great.  Like any celebrity knows, having a core group of good professionals is invaluable.  A competent bunch can really help keep you in check and put your best face forward.  (And don't we all deserve a little celebrity treatment from time to time?)  My philosophy has always been that if you have a goal, look for guidance from someone who embodies what you want to achieve, who lives and breathes it every single day.  So these days I'm taking a little help from the professionals and as a result I'm getting my finances in order, I'm healthier than I've ever been and I'm pretty sure my hair has never looked better.  When I really decided to commit to therapy it just seemed like a natural extension of this principle.   

Now let's cut to the reality of it:  there's a reason why a lot of these services are usually attainable only to celebrities - it costs quite the pretty penny to keep a crew like this!  So when my financial advisors put me on a strict budget (one of the many reasons that I both love and hate them) I really had to go through my spending with a fine toothed comb.  Between groceries (feeling pressure to buy organic anyone?) and gas prices going crazy the way they are right now and other quote-unquote necessities, something had to give.  Therapy seemed like an easy area to cut back.  I figured if I could cut my weekly sessions in half it would give me the little extra cushion I needed to conform to my new budget.  With two sessions a month I felt I could still reap some good benefits, and besides, I had been making a lot of progress lately… I ran the idea by P and she seemed receptive to it but she also advised me to give it some thought.

When I first considered cutting back on therapy I was excited to have found what seemed to be a 'loophole' in my budget but I also felt some resistance to the idea.  I really look forward to my therapy sessions on Tuesdays as 'me time' and, at the risk of sounding selfish, I really didn't want to have to give it up.  That one little hour of my week is my most treasured indulgence.  Imagine stealing away from work in the middle of the day for coffee with your two best friends - it's kind of like that.  And yet it's so much more than that.  Everyone knows what a great sounding board a good hair stylist can be and personal trainers are natural motivators by trade (and trust me, my trainer has come up with some 'wax on, wax off' style words of wisdom - picture a Jamaican Mr. Miyagi!) but there's really nothing quite like a good therapist.  

Therapy has provided me with insight and skills that continue to enrich all aspects of my life.  It has been hands down the best thing I've ever done for myself.  I don't claim to be in a position to give anyone financial advice but in today's economy it seems as though almost any investment is risky so you might as well take the safe bet and invest in yourself.   And really, what could be better use of your money?  Investing in myself through therapy is investing in my future.  It's investing in making better future decisions for myself, investing in better future relationships and investing in a more fulfilling and prosperous future in general.  So, while I plan to keep contributing to my retirement and savings funds I think I'll also continue to take the sure thing and invest in myself -I'd hate to skimp there and risk not reaching my true potential.

So how does all of this fit into my aforementioned budget you ask?  Well I haven't exactly figured that out yet but clearly its going to need some more tweaking.  I'll probably look to my financial advisors for some guidance there (I'll keep you posted).  Like anything else, it's a process but I like to believe that where there's a will, there's a way.  All I know for sure is that the return on this particular investment is going to be huge.

-k

It's Not Me, It's You

I spent Mother's Day with my family, as most people probably did.  And as most people probably did (whether they realized it at the time or not), I fell victim to the inner workings of my family dynamics. Take it from someone who's in therapy, there's nothing like a family gathering to test your newfound skills and resolve.  Here's an example of how this played out for me this past Sunday.

(Disclaimer: Although I aim to be as forthcoming and open as I can, I am fully aware that I am blogging details of my life of my own accord and, therefore recognize the need to protect other people's feelings and privacy.  With that in mind, some of the names and specifics of the situation I'm about to describe have been changed in order to protect the innocent…. )

My dog E has incontinence issues (reason #147 why I'm a great catch for those of you keeping track) which tends to bother my younger sister.  Admittedly, this would certainly be an issue for many people.   Aware that I had planned to bring my dogs to our parents' house on Mother's Day, my sister sent me a text asking that I do something to, let's just say, better his situation.  While her concern may or may not have been a valid one (not the point), I took some personal offense to her request.  


I had been out shopping for last minute grocery items for our family brunch and as I stood there in the baking aisle I could feel my previously happy demeanor shift to a more somber one.  Instead of looking forward to spending the day with my family, I was now kind of dreading it and I felt myself struggling not to shrink back into a more subdued, quieter version of myself.  In my mind it felt like my plans were being shoved aside for my sister's version of how the day should go.  I could feel some negative thoughts creeping in and I even started doubting my outfit of choice for the day (leggings topped with a shirt that my sister has expressed distaste for in the past).  

A short time later, with that issue on the back burner for the time being, I was driving out to my parents' house with my dogs and older brother in tow.  My brother, who had been commenting on and scrutinizing my choices for the better part of the morning (from my Mother's Day gift to what I was eating for breakfast), was now intent on analyzing my driving skills.  I could feel myself growing more agitated as he urged me to speed up, slow down, switch lanes.  


Already a little ruffled by my sister's remarks, I fought the urge to immediately go on the defense.  As we made the turn onto the long dirt road leading out to my parents' house I was just about to launch into a tirade about how I feel like he constantly criticizes me when he cursed a slow truck that had pulled in front of us.  I realized suddenly that his miserable comments weren't being personally aimed at me.  I actually smiled, happy to have been given that little reminder because it allowed me to put things in perspective.  In fact I started making notes for my blog in the notepad of my phone right then and there (Disclaimer #2: I do not advocate trying to blog while driving). 

I'm sharing this story, not as an attempt to demonize my brother or sister (I have great siblings - I typically get along well with my brother and my sister is my best friend), but simply to illustrate how much effect seemingly small events like this can have on your state of well being if you aren't aware of the situation (and even if you are well-aware as I was!)  


With each instance that I allowed myself to feel bad I was letting someone else get inside my head and tell me that my way of doing things was wrong or simply that I was wrong just for being myself.  Being scrutinized in any form makes you question yourself which can build self-doubt if you aren't careful.  Whether it's being challenged for liking a particular song or shirt or diet or lifestyle choice or whatever, over time these situations can have a negative cumulative effect on your self image as a whole.  

P and I have talked in the past about how I tend to internalize these types of situations, maybe more so than most people do, and while my notions of self-doubt may be reinforced occasionally by my parents or siblings, they certainly aren't unique to family interactions.  When each of my major past relationships ended (some for reasons completely beyond my control) I shouldered a lot of the blame, wondering what was wrong with me that caused the relationship to fall apart. Time and time again, I beat myself up to no end when in reality, the only thing wrong with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me in the first place!  

Let me let you in on a little secret: There is no better than or best, no absolute right or wrong, there's only what's best for or what's right or wrong for you.  I'm learning that you shouldn't take other people's negativity to heart.  (Sometimes naysayers are just that!)  And more importantly, please don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are wrong simply for being yourself. Ok? And I promise to do the same.

-k

Going With the Flow: The No Plans Experiment

This week P challenged me to go one week without making plans.  Now I know that may sound like an odd request but allow me to clarify… I'm not talking about social plans with friends or work commitments.  I'm talking about all of the planning that occurs during my down time.  All of the other time that I fill up with little errands and obligations (kind of like busy work that I assign myself).  


You see, I'm a planner.  From the moment I wake up my day is often already prearranged.  I've planned out what I'm going to eat, when I'll go to the gym and what I'll do there, when I'll fit in time to blog…  I rarely ever allow myself the luxury to just go with the flow.  I run a pretty tight ship and I'm constantly looking for extra little pockets of time that I can fill up with even more tasks.  So when P offered up this little dare, even though I found myself thinking it would be a fool's mission I couldn't help but wonder: what would it feel like if I allowed myself the freedom to follow my every whim?  (I imagined it would be delightful!)

And so the overachiever in me accepted the challenge head on.  I launched my 'No Plans Experiment' immediately upon leaving therapy.  For every task or plan that popped into my mind I was to ask myself whether it was something I actually wanted to do or just something I feel like I should be doing.  Here is a sample from my week: 

After therapy on Tuesdays I usually stop by Trader Joe's for some groceries but, in keeping with the spirit of my mission, I paused first to consider whether I actually felt like going. (This one was a no brainer - I love grocery shopping, this was definitely in the 'want' column).   I shopped happily up and down the aisles marveling at the ease of my assignment thus far - maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought!  


Then as I was unloading my groceries later at home I found myself mentally searching for something to fill the next time slot.  I could walk my dogs who were staring at me expectantly as I put away my food, tend to some laundry that was long overdue, finally get around to organizing my work bag…In the past I ordinarily would have tackled all three things but instead I asked myself whether I really felt like doing any of it right that minute.  


The answer was no.  In fact, I was feeling pretty tired from having run around all day on my day off and so I decided to take a nap instead.  It felt really indulgent.  Later that evening I chatted on Skype with my two best friends, which was definitely something I wanted to do, but I also called it a night the moment I felt myself getting sleepy.   Getting into bed I heard a nagging voice telling me I should journal but I decided to skip it - I was tired after all! 

Wednesday evenings after work I attend a yoga class but there's about an hour time slot I usually try to fill between work and the gym.  I typically head to the gym early and run on the treadmill (I'm constantly on the lookout for any chance to squeeze in some extra cardio) but it had been a busy day at work and my body wasn't really up for a run.  I decided instead that I was feeling the urge to reflect and so I journaled, right there in my car in the gym parking lot! Later during yoga, I noticed myself planning several times and I had to mentally slap myself on the wrist during downward dog but the nagging voice in my head eventually went away.  


Feeling relaxed and rejuvenated after class I decided to take my dogs on a late night walk.  Instead of rushing around the block as I often do, treating it like one more item on my to do list, we walked at a slower pace, taking time to smell the roses (or in their case bushes).  I think I enjoyed it almost as much as they did!

Saturday after work I had planned on taking a hot yoga class (I often look forward to some exercise at the end of the work week as a chance to decompress) but it had been a particularly long week and I didn't really feel like committing to a full 75 minutes of intense poses and heat.  I compromised instead with a short session on the elliptical machine followed by a few minutes of stretching in the sauna.  I stopped by the grocery store again (I wasn't kidding, I love to grocery shop) then went home and took the dogs for another leisurely walk.

The rest of the week unfolded in a similar fashion and I began to realize that flying by the seat of my pants was really working out for me.  By the end of the week I was feeling extremely relaxed and peaceful, almost like being on vacation or at a spa.  And in a sense I was on vacation, I was on hiatus from my own constant mental planning.  I was feeling good and things were getting done (no big surprise there) - even my blog got written without having to carve out a specific block of time.  So that made me stop and wonder: what exactly was I hoping to gain with all my planning (besides a whole lot of stress and feeling like a rat on a treadmill)?  Or perhaps more importantly, what was I afraid would happen if I didn't plan? 

I pondered this thought for awhile but by the time therapy rolled around the following Tuesday I still hadn't come up with an answer.  So I posed the question to P: Was my incessant planning just an annoying habit or might it perhaps point to something deeper?  In true therapist fashion, P turned the question right back at me.  I'd already racked my brain all week with no luck but I was game and so I threw out a few ideas.  Was it perhaps the fear of the unknown if I don't formulate a plan?  Or is it my way of trying to have some type of control over the outcome of a situation?  


As I was talking aloud I came to my own conclusion before P could even weigh in: the constant planning is my way of taking control of my life so that I don't get hurt.  Sometimes it just takes talking it out in therapy to get to the root of something and the answer isn't always the obvious one and may even come as a surprise but feeling the emotion inside me as I spoke those words I knew I'd hit the nail on the head.

I realize, of course, that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense.  How on earth could planning my day down to the last detail possibly protect me from anything?  The truth is that it can't.  But having a plan in general is a way of gaining a sense of control over an unknown situation and in some weird way all of my constant planning makes me feel more safe.  Certainly you can't go through life without plans and planning has it's benefits for sure but it can also be destructive if it's taken too far.  The problem with my planning in particular is that my mind's protective mechanism is in overdrive.  And while this little habit of mine may provide me with a sense of security the byproduct is a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.  

This past week's little experiment taught me the luxury of allowing myself freedom from my plans, freedom to just be.  I'm learning how to relax and let go just a little.  It's definitely a work in progress and I'll probably always be a planner but I hope to continue to question the urgency of my plans and also to learn when to give myself a break.  So while I'm sure that from time to time (especially during times of stress) my little obsession will rear it's ugly head, at least now I'll be able to recognize it for what it is and remind myself to take it easy and go with the flow.


-k