My Dating Rules

I pump my own gas. Always. Flowers and cards honestly make me a little flustered. Pulling out my chair for me at dinner is a nice gesture but be prepared that I may get confused and take the opposite seat anyway forcing an awkward moment where we have to switch our drinks to fit the new seating arrangement (drinks which you've pre-ordered, much to my dismay). You might get away with picking up the tab on a first date but if there's a second one you can bet your booty I'm paying. If you say something even remotely romantic too soon then it's all over. Don't get me wrong, it's sweet but I'm just not ready for that yet. Don't even think about surprising me, especially in front of others. I'm five steps ahead of you. Besides, I'll be the one calling the shots here, thank you very much. 

You want to impress me? Bring me something totally off the wall like a Klondike bar in the middle of winter. Or talk to me about sharks. Sharks I can handle. 

But please don't text me goodnight out of the blue. Ever. I'll pick you to pieces.

If you're considering trying to date me these are just a few of the stipulations you can expect to come across. It's true, I have some pretty rigid requirements when it comes to romance.  Combine that with my innate analytical tendencies and what you've got is a recipe for dating disaster. I might as well wear a warning sign: Any prospective suitor will be subject to intense scrutiny. Even when I do find myself interested in a guy, the moment I sense my affection being returned, I feel myself losing grip on the reigns and I start backpedaling internally. Before long, I've picked and pulled at the situation so much that it looks like a giant sweater unraveling. How could there be any room left for romance amidst all that fluff? 

Interestingly, some of my favorite movies showcase grandiose romantic gestures. I love how unabashedly Adam Sandler asks Drew Barrymore out over and over again in 50 First Dates. The flash card scene from Love Actually always makes me cry. A sappy love song? Bring it on. My iPod is literally filled with them. Clearly I want romance in my life, I just don't know how to receive it. 

You see, it's just that I've always wanted to be able to take care of everything by myself. Sink clogged? I'll fix it myself. Car broken down? I've got it covered. There's a problem, I can handle it. On my own. Without help from anybody else.

Why am I so uncomfortable being taken care of? I'm not sure exactly but I think it's that I'm afraid of having someone to rely on. Even when I've been in relationships with people who I trust I've found it difficult to just allow someone to simply care for and take care of me.

Looking back now I see it's with a guarded heart and suspicious brow that I've navigated my past relationships. I've held them at an arms length in effort to help lessen the blow when they slip out of reach. I thwart romantic efforts for fear of being swept off my feet and out of my comfort zone. I scrutinize every move because I figure that maybe if I can figure them out I won't be let down when it all unravels and I'm left alone. 

My rules are there for a reason. They've helped protect me from getting in deeper than my heart can handle. Until I learn to let someone in I may never fall down again but I'll never allow myself to really fall in love either. If I can let go of my rules and relax a little then maybe I can allow myself to be open to romance after all.

So to all potential suitors: You've seen the sign, consider yourself warned. But if you're still up for the challenge then go ahead and buy me a gift, something ridiculously thoughtful and over-the-top sweet. I may laugh it off uncomfortably at first but it's quite possible that later, when no one's looking, I may actually look back at it and smile.

-k

Giving Thanks: An Attitude of Gratitude

A couple weeks ago, P challenged me to start a gratitude journal. When she mentioned it, we weren't really chatting about anything in particular that I can recall. She said she usually recommends it at one point or another to all of her clients and she wasn't sure why she had never posed the exercise to me before. I have to be honest, while I was open to the idea, it's kind of the hokey-sounding sort of thing I would have expected from a therapist before I really understood what going to therapy was all about. While it sounded like a nice enough concept, I didn't really expect that it would have much impact. But as with most anything P suggests, I was game to give it a try. For the journal, she wanted me to keep it relatively simple, I was to list 3-5 things I was grateful for on a daily basis. They didn't have to be big things (a warm cup of tea counts) but I had to feel truly thankful for them. 

And so I started my list, just mentally at first, but after just a couple of days of focusing on what I was grateful for I could feel a shift in my attitude and few days after that I could tell I was going to want to incorporate it into my everyday routine. I even went as far as deciding to make November my month of gratitude - it only makes sense with Thanksgiving coming up right? I figured, like any good habit, if I could give it a month maybe it would stick. Now here I am, three quarters of the month in and my list is still going strong. 


I'll be honest, some days the thankfulness comes more readily than others but nevertheless each day I really make a point to give it some good thought. I'm noticing that my thankful list is beginning to come much more naturally. Some days I am able to go well beyond my 3-5 things, and the list of things that I'm grateful for seems to be endless. Even when I'm not feeling particularly thankful (like if I have to be up earlier than I like or at the end of a long day of work) I can find gratitude in a warm bowl of pumpkin oatmeal or coming home to kisses from my dogs. I'm impressed that I'm starting to feel grateful for things like togetherness or peace. Hokey though it may seem - and I'm the first to admit it - it really is life changing.

Even as I had some ups and downs this month - my grandmother passed away, my dad fell and broke his shoulder and I suffered a stress fracture in my foot all within the same week - I found myself able to focus on the the more positive aspects of each situation: like how I was happy that I was able to spend so much time with my grandma, especially during her later years, and thankful that, after a couple months of a hectic schedule, I'd been able to make it out to visit her a few days before she passed. I felt fortunate that my dad was first and foremost ok and wondered if his injury wasn't maybe a blessing in disguise that allowed him to take some much needed time to rest. Being sidelined with my own injury has been frustrating to say the least but the other events of the week helped me put that into perspective for sure. Throughout the difficult and teary times I found myself feeling grateful for the support of wonderful friends and coworkers and this past weekend I've just felt really lucky to be able to relax and spend some down time with my family. I'm even starting to find more joy in the little things like ability of a light comedy to help ease a heavy heart or the simple comfort of a home cooked meal.

Having an attitude of gratitude (and therapy in general) is making my life richer every single day. I highly recommend that you try it (the gratitude journal that is - well, therapy too but that's another post entirely ;)). It takes a little practice and conscious effort at first but just like exercising a muscle if you are consistent with it you really will start to see a change. Practice giving thanks and you'll be surprised how it can affect not just your day but your whole mindset.  Even during a relatively tough time such as now it helps that I am able to feel so much more thankful for all of the wonderful things in my life and, even as my mind is burdened, my heart is very full right now

-k

Finding The One

This post is long overdue. The past month has been a busy one for me - I've been traveling quite a bit for various events. Most recently I flew to California to visit my sisters and then a mere 3 days later I turned around and headed to Baltimore for a friend's wedding -  and in the midst of it all I found and put an offer on a purchase for my first home. You could say life's been a little crazy lately. 

The house hunting and negotiation process was stressful for all the typical reasons (it was time consuming, I'm still being bombarded with paperwork on a daily basis) but even more so for me it was just the anxiety of really wanting to find the right place. In embarking on my search, I looked to others for guidance - friends, coworkers - questioning them on how they had found their 'perfect' home. I got the same advice over and over again.  Everyone told me not to worry, "when you find the right one, you'll just know," "the right place is out there, you just need to keep looking," "the search is stressful but everything will work out they way it's supposed to in the end."

These words of wisdom weren't as comforting to me as they may have been to some. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a glass-half-empty type of person. In fact I would say I'm fairly optimistic most of the time but when it comes to myself I have a hard time adopting an 'everything will work out in the end' mentality.  The thing is, I just don't have that sense. All my life I've felt like things don't work out for me and even thinking back on times when I've had good things in my life I felt like I was constantly scanning the horizon, on the lookout for the one thing that was going to swoop in and take it all away. 

I'm not exactly sure where this sense comes from. First it was just a general feeling. I can remember being young and experiencing anxiety when my parents would head out for an evening, worried that they might not come back even though I was safe at home with my brothers and sisters. Later in life, my worrying wormed it's way into my relationships. Whenever I found myself happily settled in a good relationship rather than being able to accept it and allowing myself to be happy I would often find myself on edge, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So putting my trust in the house hunting process and believing that it would all work out was actually a huge leap of faith for me. I wanted so badly to believe that the right place was out there. I figured, if these types of things could work out for other people then why couldn't they work out for me? I reminded myself, the right one is out there, when I find it I'll know. But still, I wondered, how would I know?  

When I first came to P, filling her in on the details of my recently unraveled relationship I had told her that towards the end something just hadn't felt right. I can recall ranting openly, chastising myself for not listening to my gut and I remember P interjecting and catching me a little off guard as she adamantly told me always trust your instincts. It seemed like such simple advice but as the weeks and months went on I found P's words echoing through my head and what I realized was that I'd actually been out of touch with my instincts for quite some time. Wanting very badly to get back in tune with my gut, I talked to P about it on several occasions even asking her to recommend books I could read that might help me tap back into it. (She did recommend one called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I checked it out once at Barnes & Noble - it's a thick book, about 400 pages, in which the author details stories of violence and abuse to offer practical advice for honing in on your instincts. I decided I was too scared to read it.) 

So, with a leery attitude, and without a manual, I went forth with my search, trying to lean on my gut for support. I had compiled a mental list of features I was searching for in a home and I immediately discarded ones that didn't meet my criteria. When I did find a home that had certain qualities that appealed to me, it was hard not to fixate on those things and lose sight of all of the other things I didn't like (I actually considered a house with that had an atrium in the middle of it and tile designed to look like carpet in the bedroom which I still don't really understand. If you're trying to achieve a carpet-like look why not just get carpet?) There were a couple places I wanted to jump on right away, just because they seemed good enough and I was afraid I wasn't going to find the perfect fit. 

I tried to remind myself not to settle. Still it's a difficult process to go through on your own and there were definitely times I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and rely on others for guidance and support. There were times I was frustrated, times I was tearful and wanted to give up but every time I felt fearful I would take a deep breath and keep on going.

And then I found it. It wasn't in the location that I had originally wanted, it was lacking a couple of the amenities I'd hoped for and in fact it wasn't anything like I had imagined in my head (the exterior was pink!) but it was the right one and I knew the moment I saw it. Even later, when I questioned myself, I would look back at the pictures and think this is my house. It may sound silly but I even experienced little heart flutters whenever I would think about it, like the kind you get when you're first falling in love. 

Even so, moving forward there were points at which I doubted myself - like when my mortgage lender hit me with a bit of unexpected information or when my brothers weighed in with their (mostly negative) opinions and advice. In the past I probably would have take these things as a bad omen or a sign that it wasn't meant to be but instead I took a deep breath, checked in with my gut and continued to move forward with hope and with confidence. Next week I'll close escrow and finalize the purchase of my house and I couldn't be more happy and excited. I was back there recently for the home inspection and I felt so at peace. I seriously fall more and more in love with it every time I'm there.

So I can read about tuning into my instincts all I want (I'm sure P's book recommendation will be useful and I'll probably read it one day once I muster up the courage) but I think just having this experience was huge in allowing me to gain confidence in trusting myself and the process. It was an invaluable lesson in what I probably always knew, that it's just about paying attention and having the confidence to trust in myself. 

As I went through the house hunting process I couldn't help but draw parallels to my romantic life: the search, the frustration, the struggle of going at it alone. Buying a home on my own gave me a rush of confidence and pride and it's definitely an accomplishment in it's own right, but perhaps what I'm most excited for is the sense of hope that it gives me when it comes to relationships. 


All my life all I've really ever wanted is to love and be loved. I just have this strong desire to take care of someone and a yearning for the sense of security that comes from a lasting relationship. The funny thing is, I've heard all of the same advice on relationships that I was given on house hunting from all of the same people, "don't worry, the right person is out there, " "it will all work out in the end," "when you find the right one you'll  just know." 


I've been in relationships with guys I knew I had no business being with in the first place and guys I would have sworn were "the one" from the get go and as different as the two situations may seem, having experienced success in the house hunting process gives me faith moving forward in the relationship department. On days when I'm tired of looking and all I want to do is rest my head on someone's chest and know that everything will be alright I'll draw from this experience and remind myself not to settle, to have patience and trust that it truly will all work out in the end. 

I know now that I can trust in myself and I have a little more hope that the right one is indeed out there. Maybe it won't happen exactly when I think it will and maybe he won't be exactly what I pictured but maybe, just maybe, when I find him I'll just know.

-k

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

A few weekends ago I traveled to Las Vegas for a friend's bachelorette party. I'll admit, I'd had some mixed emotions in the months leading up to the trip. On one hand, I was excited to spend time and celebrate with my friend for her upcoming wedding but I also had some feelings of apprehension. For starters, my previous experiences in Sin City haven't exactly been the best, but there were other reasons too. In the past I've struggled with finding a balance between wanting to maintain a healthy lifestyle and allowing myself to relax and indulge a little while on vacation and I wasn't sure how that would play out over the course of the trip. I'm also someone who likes having some time to myself each day to collect my thoughts and reflect, and I knew that I was going to be spending the weekend in close quarters with five other girls and that alone time would be scarce. Being a bachelorette party and having much of the weekend's festivities laid out in advance, there was also an air of anxiety about not having enough time to fit in my own plans (blogging, exercising, relaxing etc) - I've mentioned I'm a planner, right?

Perhaps the biggest thing on my mind was simply wondering about how the trip might go and what kind of feelings I'd be left with afterward. In the past, vacations have often left me feeling dissatisfied or let down. In fact it's something I mentioned to P in one of our very first sessions. I can remember being a child on family vacations and, rather than being able to simply enjoy myself, I often recall daydreaming out the car window about how things could or should be better - perhaps if I were some other person, in some other life?  

As long as I can remember I've had mixed feelings surrounding trips. On one hand I'm excited, anticipating all of the potential fun I'll have and yet any excitement that I do feel is always shadowed by a cloud of apprehension.  Even recently, as I've made leaps and bounds in my progress in therapy, I've still struggled to come to terms with the disparity between my idea of how I'd like a vacation to go and how it actually plays out (remember my trip to Philadelphia anyone?).  

Since I've been in therapy a little over a year now and am starting to recognize countless ways in which I've changed and grown, it's always nice to see the benefits of my hard work play out into real world situations. Yet, even as an opportunity arises to 'practice' these skills and I go forth with the hope that a situation will be different, I'm always a little wary.  


That's definitely the feeling I had heading into my last couple of vacations. I hoped to have a fun and relaxing time, the kind of experience I'd always thought possible but I still had a difficult time believing it could actually happen. I really hoped that all my time spent in therapy would help me to have a more enjoyable experience. Still, If my trip to Philadelphia was any indication, I worried I could be in for a world of disappointment. There's nothing worse than planning and and looking forward to a vacation or event and then feeling let down afterwards. 

At first glance my Vegas trip might look like it measured up pretty poorly: I lost my cell phone and had no choice but to replace it (at a cost), I didn't get a chance to exercise or blog as much as I'd wanted, I had virtually no control over the weekend's agenda and very little alone time. Yet somehow, despite all of the things that would have made me anxious or annoyed in the past, I had a great time. I spent quality time with old friends and new, became accepting of changes in plans and let go of some rigid expectations of myself. For example, rather than working out in the hotel gym every day I had one long invigorating run in the rain along the Vegas strip. I also managed to stay health conscious for most meals while taking part in the fun and indulging a little (red wine and haagen dazs ice cream!) In fact, looking back, I would venture to say that the trip was just about perfect.

Still, one good vacation does not a pattern make. (I mean, there can always be a fluke right?) I knew I had to give it another go to prove to myself that things had changed. Enter vacation number two: this past weekend I met up with my two best friends in Santa Barbara for our annual girls' trip. Again, I was of course excited to catch up and relax with my best friends but I was also leery of a let-down. 

The verdict? I had an amazing time. Sure things didn't always go according to plan (our hotel room was quite a bit different than depicted online, I experienced some wi-fi issues that delayed some of my blog posts, I had to rearrange my running schedule to make time for meeting up with some other friends) but none of that really got to me the way it likely would have in the past. When I did notice some of the old issues popping up at times (which is inevitable) I found that I was much better equipped to handle them. A large part of that probably comes from just having awareness of the situation and having practiced techniques I've learned in therapy but I'm starting to discover that I now also have an underlying sense of enjoyment that wasn't there before. I no longer rely on little things to make or break a trip because I'm just more happy and content in general.

I'm really developing a newfound sense of comfortability and security in my own skin, and it feels really good. I feel like I'm finally starting to live the life that before I would only dream about. It's so nice to have hopes for how the future will go and for once not feel disappointed with the outcome. I realize that nothing has drastically changed about these vacations or situations and that it's all in my attitude and outlook. It's kind of like my eyes are open now where before they were closed. And I couldn't be more thrilled about that. Because for once, instead of staring out the window and wishing I were in some other situation, or living someone else's life, I feel so incredibly happy and grateful to be experiencing my own. 

Having these two vacations under my belt, I realize that my Philadelphia trip wasn't likely the best gauge of my progress in therapy because it truly was a different beast entirely. I had purchased my blog conference ticket and booked my flight a mere 3 weeks before the event, I was in unfamiliar territory, rooming with strangers and sharing a lot of myself and my blog (things I wasn't even totally sure of yet) with others. I had struck out on a whim to follow a newfound passion and align myself with people, some of whom had been blogging for years. And there I was, a relative newbie in an arena of blogging superstars. Of course I was feeling stressed, anxious and out of my element. It's only natural - it was a gutsy move. And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

-k

When The Therapist's Away...

What do you do when your therapist goes on vacation? It probably depends on what you're in therapy for and your emotional state to begin with. Some people likely become anxious at the prospect of not seeing their trusted confidant for their weekly appointment, some may even cry or freak out a little. I ultimately decided to take the day to myself. 


As much as I enjoy therapy (and I mean I really, really love therapy) I have to admit that I was a little excited when P first told me she would be out of town last week and we would have to postpone our weekly session. After nearly a year of showing up faithfully, week after week for the same afternoon appointment it was nice to have my schedule clear for once, to have the day to spend entirely as I chose, to not have to be anywhere at any specific time. It was kind of like a little breath of fresh air. I got my hair done, spent some time relaxing at Starbucks then popped over next door for an impromptu pedicure. And then when I was finished galavanting about and felt sufficiently pampered, I went home. Because I felt like it. In fact, last Tuesday was probably the most relaxing day I've had in a long time. 

But I should probably back up… The prior Tuesday I had been feeling a little unnerved. That week had been a bit of a low point for me. I had just gotten back from attending a blogger conference in Philadelphia. I was striking out in unfamiliar territory (in a field that was relatively new to me), meeting new people (including some whose blogs I read on a regular basis) and really kind of putting myself out there.  It was basically a chance for me to practice many of the skills I'd acquired from therapy all at once. And I failed. At least in my eyes. While some aspects of the weekend went very well (I met a lot of other bloggers - I'd even go so far as to say I made some new friends - I continued to introduce myself to new people even though I felt uncomfortable at times, I told people about my blog even though I was still very unsure of it myself) I couldn't help but fixate on the parts that didn't fare so well (I still felt uncomfortable socializing at times which is something I've struggled with in the past, I spent a lot of time mentally picking apart my blog, comparing myself to others and feeling like I'd never achieve what they had). After I returned home I found myself experiencing some fairly intense emotions. 

Moreover, over the next few days, I found myself fixated on one person (whose blog I read regularly and really admire).  I kept comparing myself to her and having thoughts about how she's perfect and I'll never measure up. I realized I was right back in my old comparison trap. Finding myself struggling with some of the same issues again was frustrating to say the least. I actually started feeling a little hopeless because I realized that, while I was able to recognize my issues (I don't really like this word but I have yet to find a good alternative), I still felt powerless to overcome them. Equally irritating was realizing that it's all within my control and yet I still am very much my own worst enemy. I started thinking about my issues that P and I have identified such as perfectionism and everything that's tied into it (the need for control, planning, comparisons). It seemed as though all of my smaller issues were coming together into one big unbearable core issue. And it felt intense and awful.

Two weeks ago found me in a tearful state as I related this all to P during our therapy session. I was disappointed in myself for having such negative feelings, especially at this stage in therapy and frustrated that I didn't handle the situation as well as I expected myself to at this point. I wasn't sure how P would react to everything I was unloading on her, whether she might even be a little disappointed in me too? P simply looked at me and said, rather matter-of-factly, that she wasn't surprised by my feelings because although we had spent a lot of time uncovering my issues (there's that word again), we hadn't really done a lot of work with the healing process yet. 

To hear her say this at first I was a little taken aback (Come again? I've been in therapy for almost a year and I haven't started healing yet?) but I must say that I was also relieved and even comforted because it meant that there was some more work to be done and more importantly, there was more that I could do about it. P went on to explain that these so-called 'negative' experiences (like the despair I was feeling after the past weekend) are actually important to the healing process and necessary in order to get to the core issue. I started to conjure up an image of a giant gobstopper and peeling away all the layers to get to the center. So I hadn't really started healing yet.

I've found that I have a two-part approach to dealing with an unexpected bit of information like this. My initial response is to approach with caution, eyeball from a distance, circle it a few times, back up and mull it over, come in for a closer look, poke it with a stick. My follow-up urge tends to be to dive in and dissect it to the point of exhaustion. After I had allowed the conversation from our last session to sink in, I thought about emailing P on several occasions to ask her to define more about this 'healing process' and just where along the therapy continuum did she think I was exactly? What does she feel my next 'steps' should be? Does it simply require more time and continuing the same process that we've been working on or taking on a completely new approach? I never did email P - a therapist deserves a vacation too after all. Besides I had a hunch that it wasn't something that could be answered in a simple reply. 

Over the past week I started thinking about the process of healing and what it means. As someone who finds the process of therapy truly fascinating (not just because of what I'm learning about myself) I was intrigued and curious to see how my 'healing' would unfold. Still there's a part of me that feels like I should be "fixed" already. And that part of me was feeling really frustrated because it seems like every time I think I'm getting it, getting closer to that core, I'm being forced to dig down a little bit deeper. 


I had just started reading a book called "Finding Your Own North Star" by Martha Beck (hey I needed some sort of guidance with P out of town) when I came upon this paragraph describing Dante's journey in The Divine Comedy that the author uses as a parallel to the process of self discovery:

His journey "took him as low as a human being could sink, through his worst fears and most bitter truths, down to the very center of the earth. And then, by continuing straight "downward" through the center and beyond, he was suddenly headed up. Before him he could see things like purpose, fulfillment, excitement, compassion and delight. He was still tired and scared, but he wasn't sleepwalking, and he wasn't lost. There was still a long road ahead of him, but it was the right road. "

It may be a little bit dramatic but I think it's actually a pretty accurate depiction of what occurs during the therapy process (at least in my experience). I've said it before and I'll say it again: therapy isn't easy work. I like to think that every time I have an experience like this where I'm left dealing with these intense emotions that it's proof that I'm reaching my center, chipping away at my core and healing just a little. I know it will take time and many more experiences like this one in order to get to a place where I feel like I'm healed (and I also know that the process will never truly be complete) but this time around, after just a few days of not feeling so great, I was already headed back up again.

At the end of our last session, just as we were about to part, aware that she would be leaving me to fend for myself for two weeks, P had asked me if I had any questions. I had one: Is it ever going to get better? P just looked at me and smiled. I already knew the answer. 


I have already seen so many benefits from therapy. Even when I'm in these so-called low points I realize that it's not as bad as it could be. Still therapy can be very intense at times. But I'm even more willing to withstand the intense times now because I suspect that that's where the healing begins. For now, I'm looking forward to my next session with P and excited for my healing to continue.

-k

Beast of Burden

Last week in therapy the topic was stress.  I had been feeling a lot of it lately and I wanted to talk to P about some ways I could try and decrease some of the stress symptoms I had been experiencing (most notably my aching cheeks and jaw or what I've dubbed in the past as my 'sour patch kids' feeling since it feels like I'm sucking on a bunch of the sour candy). I discussed with P some of the things I had been feeling stressed about (work, website design for my blog - nothing new here).  I also mentioned that I'd been wondering whether it was an indication that I'd taken a step back or ruined some of the progress I'd made in therapy.  In fact, perhaps that's the part that I was most concerned about.  (I address it every now and then but as I go forward and continue to build in therapy it's really important for me to feel like I'm continuing to make progress. I don't always realize it but I'm putting a lot of myself into the process of therapy, not only from a time standpoint but emotionally and financially also, so any possible indication that I'm not continuing to grow and change for the better is actually really unsettling). P brought me out of my little stress reverie by asking me if I realized that I was stressing out about my stress which was making me even more stressed(!) 

In hopes to relieve some of my stress symptoms, P gave me a little exercise for the week (love it when P gives me 'assignments'). She asked me to pay attention to times when I was feeling stressed (easy, my sour patch kids let me know every time) and to rate my stress level on a scale of 1 to 10 (on my scale a 1 refers to a slight tingling in my cheeks, 10 = downing an entire box of SPK all at once).  She also wanted me to try and notice any thoughts that came along with the feelings of stress. Here's a random sample from my week:

Tuesday: Driving home from therapy my stress level was at a 3 (mild ache in my cheeks and tension in my jawline).  I tried to tap into what I was feeling stressed about. I knew what it was immediately: money, specifically not having enough of it.  My budget had been a little out of control the past month and I was feeling like I had been making some poor spending choices. (I also just happened to be listening to a piece on NPR about the stock market crash which I'm sure didn't help). I had had a few unexpected expenses come up (car and camera repairs, travel expenses - I'd decided last minute to attend a blogger conference in Philadelphia) and I was stressed that I wasn't contributing enough to my savings. 

I tried to think about it logically. It's true that I have a lot going on this month but I'm also fortunate to currently be living rent free so I haven't had to break into my emergency savings. Plus, I'm sure there will be times I can cut back a little in the coming few months. Realistically, even when I've been well over my budget in the past I've always managed to get by (Let's face it, I've never actually been forced to live on the streets). Reasoning it this way did seem to quell the sour patch kids for the time being.

Later that afternoon I was headed out to cash in on a chemical peel I'd purchased awhile back on Groupon: stress level 5.  I was anxious because I wasn't feeling too well after having eaten too much earlier (another unwelcome side effect of my stress).  I was supposed to meet up with one of my friends from school for dinner later that night and on top of feeling like I'd be too stuffed to even enjoy it, I was also concerned that I was trying to squeeze too many things into my day off. I worried about not having enough time for the other things I'd had planned: writing, talking on Skype with my best friend and participating in an online blogger chat that I'd been making a point to attend on Tuesday nights. I 'd also been feeling some anxiety over whether or not to tell my friend I was meeting for dinner about my blog (I hadn't really seen her since I'd been blogging more regularly). All of these things were weighing on my mind as I arrived at the skin care clinic for my chemical peel. At one point, the technician who was administering my peel (which came with a mini facial massage) actually had to remind me to breathe.

After my 'relaxing' skin procedure I ended up heading over to Barnes and Noble. Since they have free wi-fi, I figured it would be a good place to both Skype and participate in my online chat. (Side note: talking on Skype in a public place is a little awkward) Feeling a little more at ease, I was able to catch up with my best friend and we even booked a hotel for our upcoming trip - a both fun and productive Skype session!

 We had called it quits just in time for me to to sign into my online chat when my computer died. Rather than becoming stressed over the situation I tried to look at the bright side: with no technology at my disposal and time to kill before dinner I had an unexpected opportunity to journal a little (which I had been wanting to do).  When I finished journaling, with plenty of time to spare, a guy who had been seated across from me in the B&N cafe came by and struck op a conversation and we chatted for awhile and he even asked for my number! (I'm sure I was much more approachable without my nose buried in my computer).

Dinner with my friend wound up being a lot of fun (as it always is). I didn't end up telling her about my blog but we had plenty of other things to talk about and I had forgotten how nice it was to just sit and have a relaxing time with a good friend. Driving home later that evening: stress level 0 :)

Wednesday: I found myself getting stressed on the way to work (about a level 3). I couldn't really put a finger on why but I noticed that just being aware of it helped me so I was able to nip it before it got too bad. 

Right about then was when I realized two things: first of all, I stress a LOT, and much of it seems to be out of habit. And second: if by simply being aware of my stress I could make myself less stressed then maybe I could develop some techniques to help manage it. In other words, I've just got to be smarter than the stress.

In talking it over with P it seems that we all express stress in different ways. For some people it's through anger, others express stress as sadness or depression. Personally, most of my stress manifests as anxiety (worrying and over-planning). And stressing about my stress is just a double whammy. Stress isn't necessarily a bad thing but the side effects of too much stress or prolonged stress can be (physical symptoms such as muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, or consuming half a bag of of chocolate chips in one sitting as I may have been known to do a time or two). P said that stress can be used as an indicator because it forces you to slow down and assess the current situation, to ask yourself: do I have a lot going on? do I need to be taking better care of myself? does something need to change? It got me thinking: what if, instead of worrying about stress I could actually turn my stress into something productive? 

Having a science background and knowing a little about development and physiology something that came to mind when I was thinking on the topic of stress (and something that I've always found interesting) is that it's the production of fetal stress hormone that actually initiates the process of labor. Something as simple as as the fetus being placed under stress triggers an entire cascade of events leading to the end result of birth.  A decidedly positive outcome, all because of a little stress. So it can't all be bad. In fact, I started to have a sneaking suspicion that if I can learn to deal with my stress more effectively I may actually be able to use it to my advantage. Much in the same way that some great athletes perform better under pressure, utilizing stress in the right way can be a very positive thing. 

So after much reflection, here you have it!  

My tips to outsmart stress:

Tip # 1: Turn anxiety into action. Take my stress over money issues on Tuesday for example. Worrying about my money situation doesn't do me any good. Sitting down and reviewing my budget for any changes that I can make and then figuring out a productive way that I can manage it, however, does help. 

Tip # 2: Be flexible. This is still a tough one for me. Since one of my personal by-products of stress is planning, anything that throws a wrench in my plans often makes me more stressed out. P pointed out however, as I'd learned on Tuesday evening, that a change in plans doesn't always mean something bad, in fact sometimes it can lead to something better such as an opportunity I may have not had otherwise (like meeting a cute guy in a coffee shop!)

Tip # 3: Beware of the beast.  Start to become attuned to the signals your body gives you when you're feeling stressed and pay attention when you notice those feelings.  Then ask yourself whether your stress is doing you any good  (causing you to take productive action) or if it's just feeding into the beast. For me, much of my anxiety stems from stressing about how events of the day may or may not go (which I have little control over anyway), or simply worrying out of habit so it really does nothing more than feed into the stress cycle. Don't let stress turn into more stress.

Tip # 4: Stress then assess. Remember that stress is a normal part of life and sometimes even a good thing.  When you notice yourself feeling more stressed than usual, use it as a cue to slow down and assess the situation. Maybe there's something that can be changed.

Tip # 5: And if all else fails or I realize I've already managed my stress to the best of my ability and there are still outside stressors that are beyond my control then those are the times when it's really important to take extra care of myself by getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods that will continue to make me feel good in the long term (rather than just a quick chocolate fix) and being extra kind to myself by relaxing when I can. 

Lastly, sometimes being kind to myself does mean over-indulging a little and if that means eating half a bag of chocolate chips once in awhile then that's fine too - just as long as I don't stress over it. ;)

-k

A Coffee Shop Confession

Confession time: over the past two weeks I've been feeling a little dissatisfied with my job.  Ok, I had been thinking about quitting my job to live in a coffee shop and take up blogging full time.  (As an aside: I think I seriously could live happily inside a Starbucks for the rest of my life. Can you imagine entertaining? "Hello, welcome to my home, have a seat.  May I offer you something to drink….?)  


I think much of the problem for me was that ever since I made more of a commitment to my blog I was starting to feel like work was taking up so much of my time and leaving so little time for some of my other interests, writing included.  True, things had been a little more intense at work lately (I had been picking up extra days for a sick coworker) so it was no surprise the long hours and lack of free time were wearing on me, but I couldn't help wondering if there was something more? 

A couple weeks ago in therapy I expressed my concerns to P.   Although certainly open to any avenue I may want to explore, P also offered some suggestions for making peace with my current situation.  She reminded me that my schedule wasn't actually all that bad (I currently alternate between a 4 day and 3 and 1/2 day work week) and gave me some tips on stress relief.  


P encouraged me to focus on work the days I was scheduled to work and plan that on those days that was all that I would be doing.  Then if some free time opened up unexpectedly or I happened to finish work earlier than usual it would be a pleasant surprise rather than planning things I'd like to fit in and then feeling frustrated when I didn't end up having time.  I have to admit, I didn't love this idea at first but it did make sense. I may have other things on my mind during the work day but currently work is where I have to be so why not focus my energy there and make the best of it?


P also encouraged me to focus on relaxing when I was off work so that when I left the office I would be able to leave it behind mentally as well.  She recommended developing a ritual that takes me from 'work mode' into 'relaxation mode', such as playing with my dogs or making a cup of tea (I did both!). She said the more senses involved the better.

It took me a couple of days to come around but I did eventually begin to feel more allowing of whatever work situations came up and was able to give my clients my fullest attention.  What I started to notice was that the more accepting I was, the more pleasant the work became.  This is something I've noticed before about the power of acceptance. Instead of resisting the current situation, becoming accepting of it actually seems to allow for a better overall experience and outcome.  It's a phenomenon I haven't quite worked out but I have experienced the effects of it.   


For example, at my job I'm fairly bound to a schedule but instead of pouring over it several times a day like I usually do, I tried to make a point not to even look at it throughout the day.  Instead of keeping my eye on the clock, wondering whether I'd finish on time or hoping I wouldn't be stuck at work past closing, I decided to throw time out the window altogether.  Almost as if by magic, my appointments began to flow more smoothly and there were several days I finished work at 6:30 on the dot (which isn't typical). I'd already experienced the benefits of not adhering so strictly to my plans and had seen how interestingly, the less I planned, the more I seemed to get done (and the less effort that went into it).  Now I was applying that skill to make my time at work more efficient and enjoyable.

The following week in therapy P started to help me to identify some of the aspects of my job that I'm dissatisfied with.  My job is physically and emotionally demanding which can be both rewarding and trying at times.  As I already mentioned my day is very much dictated by a schedule which I'm beginning realize I don't actually enjoy.  There is also a sense of balance that I feel is lacking when I have to spend long days at work (fitting in exercise and down time becomes tougher, I feel like I never see my dogs..).  And while I do enjoy having several days off at a stretch, much of my time off is spent simply recovering from a tough work week.

Being aware of the more stressful aspects of my job is helpful and will likely help me determine what I want and don't want in the future. For now, I think it's important for me to remember that I'm currently in a temporary living situation (having recently moved in with my parents to save money for a home).  I have a longer drive to and from work and less time to myself in general.  Stress can magnify a situation making it seem worse and sometimes just being aware of that is crucial.  I need to be sure to give myself enough down time on my days off (which I have a tendency not to do) and give myself a break because there are a lot of things I'm trying to fit in right now.  As much as I may not like it, there are going to be times when I will need to just shut off the computer and relax.  If I'm able to do that I'll be more refreshed and creative when I do choose to focus on writing.  

Truthfully, even as I write this I'm still deciding the role that I hope blogging will play in my life.  I'm not entirely sure whether my recent dissatisfaction over my job stemmed from just feeling overworked or whether I do eventually want to pursue a change at some point down the road (even just a change in schedule maybe).  But I do know that If I quit my job now I really might have to live in a coffee shop (although by 'live' I'd be using the term very loosely and 'entertaining' might  be more like getting chased out of Starbucks once they realized I couldn't actually afford to pay for anything in there).  While I may not enjoy having to adhere to a schedule and working long hours, there are a lot of aspects of my career that I'm very passionate about.  I still wish I had more time to devote to writing but for now I can hopefully at least use some of these tools to help manage and be less stressed.  And if all else fails it seems like Starbucks is always hiring. ;)

-k

Take Me As I Am

Therapy isn't always about hashing out drama that has happened during my week.  In fact it's almost never that.  More often than not it's just talking about little things throughout the week that provide a window into bigger things and sometimes 'material' for therapy appears when I least expect it.  For example, last Saturday morning I was at my trainer's wrapping up a session (we train out of his home gym) and rather than driving over to my regular gym I was hoping he wouldn't mind if I stayed after and run on his treadmill.  He told me he had breakfast plans, which was totally reasonable (it was Saturday after all and just because he extends the courtesy to me to stay and use his cardio equipment on occasion I certainly don't expect him to do it all the time). Yet I was surprised to find I had to struggle not to feel upset about it. 

I realized at the time that it didn't make a lot of rational sense but I couldn't help but feel really disappointed, like he was letting me down somehow.  The following Tuesday in therapy I told P about the incident, not because of anything to do with the story itself but because of the strong emotion it had brought up for me.  I knew it was a feeling I'd noticed before (and often) and so I felt that it warranted some attention.  

After talking it out with P I realized that the feeling of being let down seems to present itself most often when it comes to my relationships with the males in my life.  With females (sisters, friends, etc) the feeling I associate more strongly with is one of being left out.  Regardless, it all seemed to point back to one central emotional theme of feeling alone. In order to try and get to the bottom of it, P encouraged me to pay close attention to the times when I feel this way.  She also asked me to think a little bit about my family relationships, especially from when I was young.  P cautioned me not to over-analyze it (I have a tendency to be an over-analyzer…) and said that she suspected it probably actually stems from something very simple.

So over the past week I began thinking about my childhood.  I'm the second youngest of 5 children and as anyone who grew up with siblings knows there are plenty of opportunities for choosing sides or pitting one person against another which could easily account for my notions of feeling left out.  (Interestingly, looking back on my life I realize I've continued to recreate these same patterns, feeling left out among a trio of friends or finding myself a fifth wheel tagging along with two couples.  It's no wonder I find myself in these types of situations - I've literally been the fifth wheel all my life!) When it came to my brothers and sisters, it seemed like we all spent time vying for one another's attention or plotting against one another at some point.  Yet we definitely had our share of fun and togetherness too.  I tried to reason it from a logical standpoint: I grew up in a house of 7 people with no shortage of siblings to play with, so why on earth did I feel so alone?

 Also on my mind throughout the week were some concerns I had surrounding my new blog.  Trying to find my niche amongst the healthy living blog world, I had found myself over-analyzing a lot of my recent posts (see? I told you..).  I had been worried that I was losing my focus or straying too far from my original intent and wondering whether I might be trying too hard to fit in or to be something that I'm not.  At times I noticed a tendency to try and produce what I thought other people would want to read rather than just letting it be a reflection of myself.

  I had been reading advice and tips from other bloggers and one idea that kept coming up was how the best blogs seem to be the ones where the writer simply shows who they are.  Deep down I already knew this to be true but for some reason it still made me feel a little uneasy.  I spent some time talking to P about my blog and my desire for it to come from me and to be authentic.  The way I explained it to her was that I feel like there is this other side that I'm trying to reach where some of the more experienced bloggers already are where they've been doing it long enough to realize that they're happiest and most successful just being themselves. 

I know that I want my writing to show people who I am and to come from an authentic place but I also can't help feeling like I'm taking a giant leap of faith to trust that I will get to the other side and be ok. P threw me a curve ball by asking me what exactly it was about putting myself out there that I was afraid of and I realized what it was right at that moment: a fear of not being accepted as I am.  What if the authentic version of me just won't do?

I wondered how I came up with this idea of the real me not being good enough and how it might relate to my family situation.  In my family (as is probably the case with a lot of families) we aren't always comfortable talking to one another about serious things and there are times we tiptoe around one another's feelings rather than just addressing issues directly and I think sometimes it creates a lack of emotional intimacy.  Because this was likely the case growing up, I think there may have been times I didn't feel connected to anyone in a genuine way (perhaps part of the reason I felt alone at times).  We all long for genuine interaction and perhaps this is part of what was lacking for me.  

I'm not saying that my family was dysfunctional, in fact I feel we were far from that, but P explained that the perfect family doesn't exist and all families have less than healthy forms of communication at times that can often lead to these types of feelings.  It might be as simple as being dismissed with a joke when you're trying to be taken seriously or a distracted parent failing to acknowledge you at a time you were feeling hurt.  It's inevitable that these types of miscommunications at an early age leave you questioning yourself, whether you were right or wrong to have felt or behaved a certain way.  What it boils down to is that every family has its own issues and early family interactions can have a cumulative effect in shaping the way that you view yourself and the world.  For me, I believe it has played into a fear of not being accepted at face value.

The good news is that these notions we have of ourselves can be changed.  It's actually very thrilling for me to realize that by breaking down these long held beliefs (or even recognizing that they exist first place) it's allowing me to unleash my full potential.  I'm excited for my blog to develop and grow as an extension of me, not someone I'm trying to be.  For perhaps the first time in my life I feel ready to really show myself to the world and I can't wait for the world to see who I am. 

-k