It'll All Work Out

It sort of feels like a dream. 

A few weeks ago I left my job of nearly four years to take on a position at another clinic. Four years at a job may not sound like much to someone who has been in the work force for awhile but for me it was kind of like a miniature lifetime. It was my first job out of school and my first ‘real’ job of any sort for that matter. It was the the place where I’d ‘grown up’ as a veterinarian so to speak, where I learned the ins and outs of the profession and was fortunate to have met and worked with the people who have been largely responsible for shaping and molding me into the doctor I’m proud to be today. So, yeah, it was kind of a big deal.

When I first made the decision to leave my job, I sort of felt like a child being sent away from my family to go to summer camp. There were moments I was excited for a new adventure and others where I thought, “Wait a minute, what in the world did I just sign up for?” To leave the place I had grown so accustomed to and had gained such a familiarity for was terrifying to say the least. Who would I rely on if I had a question about a patient or something that I couldn’t figure out? What if the new staff didn’t like me? What if I didn’t like them? There were so many unknowns circling around in my head.

I almost changed my mind a million times. I spent more than a few sleepless nights in a panic wondering what the hell I was doing leaving all of that security behind. Truthfully, I loved my job. I couldn’t have asked for a better work ‘family’ and I had grown attached to my clients and their pets as well. But in the end I couldn’t ignore the fact that my gut was telling me I needed a change -  a challenge, an experience - something. 

From a therapy standpoint, making a change of this magnitude was huge. I was forced to draw upon so many skills I’ve learned throughout the past two years. To start, I had to filter through the emotion and sadness of leaving the work place I loved in so many ways in order to dig deep and listen to what my gut was telling me. I had to take the thoughts and opinions of others with a grain of salt while trying to remain true to what I felt was the right choice for me. I had to fight through old fears of feeling like I was being replaced and wondering whether my work friends would forget me entirely once I was gone (which I now realize is silly considering I was the one who was choosing to leave). It was a lot to sort out for but I did my best to check in with my gut along the way, trying to have faith that it would lead me in the right direction.

Now here I am, a month into my new job and beginning to realize it wasn’t exactly what I hoped or expected it would be. To say it’s disheartening would be an understatement. As I move forward, I’m being asked to draw upon even more skills I’ve learned from therapy as I remind myself to accept the good with the bad and to give any new situation time. To live in the now and experience without worrying or judging. To focus on the positives even when it doesn’t feel like there are too many. To see the big picture instead of getting caught up in all the tiny details. 

Regarding the things that haven’t been going so well at work, it’s been empowering to discover that I’m strong enough to stay true to my personal convictions and I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that I actually have no problem speaking up for myself. Navigating a new staff, and a new way of working (including a computer system that makes me want to tear my hair out on a daily basis) and getting my feet under me hasn’t been easy. I’m still facing new challenges every day and, honestly, at the current moment, I really don’t know if it’s going to be the place for me after all. 

It would be easy to lose faith and become consumed by the disappointment that things haven’t quite turned out the way I wanted them to. However, I think having things turn out not quite the way I’d planned is perhaps equally, if not more important, because I now know that I can make a huge change and come out ok on the other end even if it’s not exactly what I hoped it would be. I’m able to see that I didn’t make a 'right' or a 'wrong' decision, I simply made a decision, based on my best assessment and what I felt my gut was telling me and I can accept that and move forward. 

Sometimes we have to go away to realize what we’ve left behind. Sometimes it just takes making a change, any change, to break free of a pattern and set you on a different path entirely. As for this little hiccup (as I'll affectionately refer to it), it’s been an exercise in building my confidence as a veterinarian, an authoritarian, a person, and a learning experience to discover what I truly value and what I’m willing (and not willing) to put up with when it comes to my job. I’m not sure where this experience will ultimately lead me but, even as I’m feeling a little downhearted right now, I have no doubt that I’m right where I need to be.

-k

Don't Stop Believing

A few weeks ago my sister was in town and I spent some time talking with her and one of my good friends about following your dreams in life. We've probably all been there at some point, striving for something we believe in or are passionate about, moving along at a snail's pace toward a goal that at times seems so huge and out of reach - it can be frustrating and discouraging to say the least. How do we know that it's the 'right' thing to do? How do we know that our efforts aren't in vain?

I'm not sure these are questions that can be answered (at least not simply) but we basically all agreed on one thing: if you keep putting in the time and effort, keep believing in yourself and continue building and shaping your dream, staying open to all possibilities (because you never know where opportunity may come) then you will succeed. It's only natural to have fears and doubts but what's important is to recognize them for what they are, push forward anyway and never stop believing in yourself.

As you can probably tell if you've been reading this blog, I'm the type of person who likes to set goals and I often try to tackle a few things at once (ok, more than just a few things). Lately I haven't been able to find as much time to focus on writing about therapy as I'd like. I've been busy working on the design and development of my other blog (I'd eventually like to meld this blog with my other one) searching to replace the car I totaled back in February, organizing my new home and training my dogs to behave like angels. Oh, and there's my full time job. As a goal-orientated person it frustrates me when one of my goals falls by the wayside, especially one that I care so much about. Since I began therapy over a year and half ago I've become so passionate about sharing my experience with others. Having emotional well-being is just another piece of living a healthy, balanced life.

I've felt a lot of anxiety lately as I've been trying to fit everything in. It can be hugely overwhelming at times trying to figure out how to balance a full time career with a budding aspiration and there are days when I'm filled with doubt - doubts about whether I can do it all, whether I'm good enough, whether I'm silly for even trying to follow my dreams. But I keep coming back and checking in with myself, and little by little I feel like it's slowly taking shape. I no longer feel like I'm spooning water into a bucket with a large hole that's draining faster than I can keep up. I'm not sure how exactly but it finally feels like I'm managing to get a little ahead of the game. I'm slowly learning how to juggle and balance it all.

I think the biggest trick is just to keep at it. There are some days or weeks I can only manage a little bit of work towards my goals or inspiration doesn't come as easily as it does at other times and some days ideas fly at me so fast I can hardly keep up. I'm trying to remind myself to just relax and be patient and keep moving forward, that it's ok to feel discouraged but not to let it stop me dead in my tracks. On days when I'm feeling more doubtful I try to remind myself of what I've already accomplished since I first started and how far I've come. I try and remember not to sweat the details - they'll work themselves out. I've also decided to stop worrying (which is easier said than done). I like to think that when the time comes for opportunity that I'll be ready and I won't miss the boat. I like to believe that if the passion and the hard work and the product are there then success will come.

I am truly a believer that we can all take control of our own destiny and shape our lives however we see fit. The key is to believe in yourself and your passions and not to let anything (fears, doubts, the opinions of others) sway you from what you know deep down to be true. We should all be so bold as to chase after our dreams. It's scary, sure, to lay it all out on the line and really put your heart out there but what's the worst that could happen? Maybe your dream won't look exactly the way you pictured but what if it turns out better than you ever could have imagined?

-k

A Different Kind of Ending

I have to be honest, this post finds me feeling a little bit sheepish. When I last left you I was riding the wave of love off into the sunset and now I'm writing to you on the heels of it. A month has gone by, but a great deal has passed. Like every relationship, mine was put to the test - probably in a much more sudden and dramatic fashion than any other relationship I've been in - and as happens all too often, it didn't pass. 

And just like that, my new relationship was over and I was left dizzy, sitting amidst a swirl of emotions. Here I was again, having poured my heart and soul into something only to have it all come undone. Unraveled. Alone. It was a position I'd found myself in before and one that I'd fought so incredibly hard not to wind up in again. 

I entered cautiously into the realm of the after-love expecting all of the weight of my past relationships to come crashing down on me - but that never happened. I expected to be forced to swallow a giant pill of bitterness and hurt but being single this time had a different aftertaste.

I definitely experienced many of the same types of feelings I've had before after the ending of a relationship - feelings of rejection, thoughts of failed past romances, worries of being on a timeline for marriage and kids, of being destined to end up alone forever and having to deal with all of life's stresses by myself (did I mention I totaled my car?) - only those thoughts didn't feel as overwhelming or carry as much weight as they likely would have in the past. Instead of knocking me down entirely they came and went almost like a reflex.  

In the past I've wallowed in my sorrows, pining away for lost loves probably longer than was healthy or necessary. Although the wounds from this experience are fresh and part of me still mourns the relationship and even yearns for it at times, I'm surprised to find that I can already begin to appreciate it for what it was and I am able to feel grateful for the time we spent together. I can recognize what I gained from the relationship and I'm proud of the fact that, regardless of the end result, I can honestly say that I gave the best of me and loved wholly without fear or trepidation.

I'm sure I've mentioned it here before but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. Although I've certainly seen a more lackluster side of love, I still believe in fairy tale endings. When it comes to relationships, my mind and my heart fight a constant battle. My logical side urges me to wall up and plant my feet on the ground but my heart wants to throw caution to the wind and run with it. I end up getting way ahead of myself  planning and dreaming, and this time was no exception. As much as I fought it, my heart took over and I allowed myself to fall, to feel, to believe that my perfect ending was within reach. 

But the trouble is, nothing is perfect. And sometimes relationships just don't work. Sometimes you might do everything within your power to try and make it work and the problem is just too big. Sometimes, no matter how much you care about someone, you have to accept that you've done what you can do and then cut your losses and move on. I gave it my best - I believe that we both did - and it didn't work out. It's no fault of my own, it's just one of those things. Coming to that realization was hard but it didn't feel as devastating for me as it has in the past. 

Even though I've spent (and still continue to spend) a fair amount time wishing things could be different, I know that I'm making the choice that's right for me and that makes me feel good and it makes me feel loved. I won't lie, there are times I can't help but wonder what might have been but this time I'm already able to believe and to see that life will go on and I will love again. And unlike so many times before, what remains isn't sadness, it's hope. 


-k

A Leap For Love

Sorry if I've been a little MIA lately it's just that my life is kind of on fire right now. I've recently moved into my new home (which I've been happily busy furnishing and decorating), I'm enjoying exploring a new neighborhood, a new, shorter commute to work and I have a new dog on top of everything (that makes three if you're counting). So yeah, life's been a little busy these days. And I also somehow suddenly woke up and found myself in a relationship. It didn't actually happen over night - in fact, it almost didn't happen at all. If I'm being honest, I'd have to say that this relationship came about despite my very best efforts to avoid it. 

It's been a little over a year now since my last serious relationship, the one that prompted me to turn to therapy. Despite all of the things I've gained from therapy that have nothing to do with romance, I have to admit that getting to a place where I could find myself in a loving, secure relationship was my ultimate goal from the very beginning. At various times throughout this journey I've wondered how I'd fare with my next romantic venture. Given what happened in the past, I had a feeling I'd be cautious but I don't think I ever could have predicted just how closed off I would actually be until I finally had an opportunity for romance staring me right in the face. 

As I mentioned to P on several occasions, I had really wanted the dating process to parallel my experience with house hunting. I worried a lot about whether I would be able to trust myself to make the 'right' decisions, to weed out the negativity and fears and just go with my gut, as I had ultimately been able to do with the purchase of my home. To compare navigating a relationship to house hunting is a lovely notion in theory. The truth is, when you find yourself in a situation where you're falling for someone pretty much all logic goes out the window. It truly becomes a matter of the heart. 

I'd love to say that there was a natural progression of boy meets girl and so on, but in reality there have been a lot of ups and downs, some pushing and shoving (mostly on my end) and there's also been a fair share of doubt. In fact, if I hadn't been aware of some of my feelings and behaviors and how they affected my thought process I might have missed the love boat entirely.  

For example, there was one night, after things had been going really well, when my guy and I were having a conversation and making plans for later in the week. He told me he might not be able to make it to a dinner where I had hoped to introduce him to my friends. It was innocent enough - a simple conflict of schedule - but it triggered a strong emotion in me tied to a memory from a past relationship, a pretty intense fear of being let down and hurt. Even recognizing it in the moment, I tried to reason my way through it, reminding myself that the past was the past and this was a new situation, but it was too late. I could already feel myself emotionally and physically pulling away as I started to reject the relationship that I had been so excited about just days before. 

That following week I found myself tearful talking to P in her office, already grieving the loss of my brand new relationship. I struggled to understand how I had made such a complete 180 turn with my feelings so quickly. I was downhearted as I told her about the previous week's events and the strong emotional trigger that had been brought up. P helped me break down the scenario and understand why being in a situation where I was feeling bad about myself might make me feel less great about the relationship in general. I started to recognize that my anxiety was getting the best of me and causing me to focus on all of the smaller, negative things and ignore some pretty big positives like how this guy was caring and creative and kind and how I couldn't stop smiling whenever I thought about him. What I began to realize was that I actually still really wanted the relationship to work and yet here I was accepting it was over before I'd ever even given it a chance. 

Always the voice of reason, P advised me to take it easy for a couple days, to give myself some room to breathe and then see how I felt about the relationship. I followed her advice, took some time time and checked in with myself to see what I truly wanted. I wanted in. Over the next few days my emotional compass slowly turned back to where it had been the week before and I began to feel really good about the relationship again.

Navigating a new relationship is no piece of cake, especially when you've been hurt (and let's face it, who hasn't?). There are always going to be little trials and insecurities at the start and that just comes with the territory. Case in point: here I was, having wanted to find love for so long and yet I nearly foiled it by getting caught up in all the things I've worked so hard on in therapy - worrying, over-analyzing, putting up barriers. P, never quite as hard on me as I am on myself, reminded me that applying the skills I've gained from therapy to a relationship is an entirely new situation that comes with it's own challenges. When it came down to it what tripped me up the most was being guarded (he even called me out on it). 

Even as I become more and more comfortable within the relationship I'm still fighting urges to wall myself in. From a logic standpoint it's completely ridiculous. He's given me absolutely no reason to feel insecure - there have been times throughout the past month when I couldn't have felt more cared for - but the memories are there, and my mind is still trying to protect me from a world of hurt. 

Everybody gets hurt, my situation is not unique. Falling in love is just another leap of faith. It's scary and wonderful all in one breath. It's taken this journey (and a charmingly blunt guy to point it out) to realize just how guarded I've become and the truth is that I'm still scared. But the difference now is that I'm no longer letting it hold me back. I'm learning how to harness my fear and run with it. I'm learning how to take a leap for love.

-k