Beast of Burden

Last week in therapy the topic was stress.  I had been feeling a lot of it lately and I wanted to talk to P about some ways I could try and decrease some of the stress symptoms I had been experiencing (most notably my aching cheeks and jaw or what I've dubbed in the past as my 'sour patch kids' feeling since it feels like I'm sucking on a bunch of the sour candy). I discussed with P some of the things I had been feeling stressed about (work, website design for my blog - nothing new here).  I also mentioned that I'd been wondering whether it was an indication that I'd taken a step back or ruined some of the progress I'd made in therapy.  In fact, perhaps that's the part that I was most concerned about.  (I address it every now and then but as I go forward and continue to build in therapy it's really important for me to feel like I'm continuing to make progress. I don't always realize it but I'm putting a lot of myself into the process of therapy, not only from a time standpoint but emotionally and financially also, so any possible indication that I'm not continuing to grow and change for the better is actually really unsettling). P brought me out of my little stress reverie by asking me if I realized that I was stressing out about my stress which was making me even more stressed(!) 

In hopes to relieve some of my stress symptoms, P gave me a little exercise for the week (love it when P gives me 'assignments'). She asked me to pay attention to times when I was feeling stressed (easy, my sour patch kids let me know every time) and to rate my stress level on a scale of 1 to 10 (on my scale a 1 refers to a slight tingling in my cheeks, 10 = downing an entire box of SPK all at once).  She also wanted me to try and notice any thoughts that came along with the feelings of stress. Here's a random sample from my week:

Tuesday: Driving home from therapy my stress level was at a 3 (mild ache in my cheeks and tension in my jawline).  I tried to tap into what I was feeling stressed about. I knew what it was immediately: money, specifically not having enough of it.  My budget had been a little out of control the past month and I was feeling like I had been making some poor spending choices. (I also just happened to be listening to a piece on NPR about the stock market crash which I'm sure didn't help). I had had a few unexpected expenses come up (car and camera repairs, travel expenses - I'd decided last minute to attend a blogger conference in Philadelphia) and I was stressed that I wasn't contributing enough to my savings. 

I tried to think about it logically. It's true that I have a lot going on this month but I'm also fortunate to currently be living rent free so I haven't had to break into my emergency savings. Plus, I'm sure there will be times I can cut back a little in the coming few months. Realistically, even when I've been well over my budget in the past I've always managed to get by (Let's face it, I've never actually been forced to live on the streets). Reasoning it this way did seem to quell the sour patch kids for the time being.

Later that afternoon I was headed out to cash in on a chemical peel I'd purchased awhile back on Groupon: stress level 5.  I was anxious because I wasn't feeling too well after having eaten too much earlier (another unwelcome side effect of my stress).  I was supposed to meet up with one of my friends from school for dinner later that night and on top of feeling like I'd be too stuffed to even enjoy it, I was also concerned that I was trying to squeeze too many things into my day off. I worried about not having enough time for the other things I'd had planned: writing, talking on Skype with my best friend and participating in an online blogger chat that I'd been making a point to attend on Tuesday nights. I 'd also been feeling some anxiety over whether or not to tell my friend I was meeting for dinner about my blog (I hadn't really seen her since I'd been blogging more regularly). All of these things were weighing on my mind as I arrived at the skin care clinic for my chemical peel. At one point, the technician who was administering my peel (which came with a mini facial massage) actually had to remind me to breathe.

After my 'relaxing' skin procedure I ended up heading over to Barnes and Noble. Since they have free wi-fi, I figured it would be a good place to both Skype and participate in my online chat. (Side note: talking on Skype in a public place is a little awkward) Feeling a little more at ease, I was able to catch up with my best friend and we even booked a hotel for our upcoming trip - a both fun and productive Skype session!

 We had called it quits just in time for me to to sign into my online chat when my computer died. Rather than becoming stressed over the situation I tried to look at the bright side: with no technology at my disposal and time to kill before dinner I had an unexpected opportunity to journal a little (which I had been wanting to do).  When I finished journaling, with plenty of time to spare, a guy who had been seated across from me in the B&N cafe came by and struck op a conversation and we chatted for awhile and he even asked for my number! (I'm sure I was much more approachable without my nose buried in my computer).

Dinner with my friend wound up being a lot of fun (as it always is). I didn't end up telling her about my blog but we had plenty of other things to talk about and I had forgotten how nice it was to just sit and have a relaxing time with a good friend. Driving home later that evening: stress level 0 :)

Wednesday: I found myself getting stressed on the way to work (about a level 3). I couldn't really put a finger on why but I noticed that just being aware of it helped me so I was able to nip it before it got too bad. 

Right about then was when I realized two things: first of all, I stress a LOT, and much of it seems to be out of habit. And second: if by simply being aware of my stress I could make myself less stressed then maybe I could develop some techniques to help manage it. In other words, I've just got to be smarter than the stress.

In talking it over with P it seems that we all express stress in different ways. For some people it's through anger, others express stress as sadness or depression. Personally, most of my stress manifests as anxiety (worrying and over-planning). And stressing about my stress is just a double whammy. Stress isn't necessarily a bad thing but the side effects of too much stress or prolonged stress can be (physical symptoms such as muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, or consuming half a bag of of chocolate chips in one sitting as I may have been known to do a time or two). P said that stress can be used as an indicator because it forces you to slow down and assess the current situation, to ask yourself: do I have a lot going on? do I need to be taking better care of myself? does something need to change? It got me thinking: what if, instead of worrying about stress I could actually turn my stress into something productive? 

Having a science background and knowing a little about development and physiology something that came to mind when I was thinking on the topic of stress (and something that I've always found interesting) is that it's the production of fetal stress hormone that actually initiates the process of labor. Something as simple as as the fetus being placed under stress triggers an entire cascade of events leading to the end result of birth.  A decidedly positive outcome, all because of a little stress. So it can't all be bad. In fact, I started to have a sneaking suspicion that if I can learn to deal with my stress more effectively I may actually be able to use it to my advantage. Much in the same way that some great athletes perform better under pressure, utilizing stress in the right way can be a very positive thing. 

So after much reflection, here you have it!  

My tips to outsmart stress:

Tip # 1: Turn anxiety into action. Take my stress over money issues on Tuesday for example. Worrying about my money situation doesn't do me any good. Sitting down and reviewing my budget for any changes that I can make and then figuring out a productive way that I can manage it, however, does help. 

Tip # 2: Be flexible. This is still a tough one for me. Since one of my personal by-products of stress is planning, anything that throws a wrench in my plans often makes me more stressed out. P pointed out however, as I'd learned on Tuesday evening, that a change in plans doesn't always mean something bad, in fact sometimes it can lead to something better such as an opportunity I may have not had otherwise (like meeting a cute guy in a coffee shop!)

Tip # 3: Beware of the beast.  Start to become attuned to the signals your body gives you when you're feeling stressed and pay attention when you notice those feelings.  Then ask yourself whether your stress is doing you any good  (causing you to take productive action) or if it's just feeding into the beast. For me, much of my anxiety stems from stressing about how events of the day may or may not go (which I have little control over anyway), or simply worrying out of habit so it really does nothing more than feed into the stress cycle. Don't let stress turn into more stress.

Tip # 4: Stress then assess. Remember that stress is a normal part of life and sometimes even a good thing.  When you notice yourself feeling more stressed than usual, use it as a cue to slow down and assess the situation. Maybe there's something that can be changed.

Tip # 5: And if all else fails or I realize I've already managed my stress to the best of my ability and there are still outside stressors that are beyond my control then those are the times when it's really important to take extra care of myself by getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods that will continue to make me feel good in the long term (rather than just a quick chocolate fix) and being extra kind to myself by relaxing when I can. 

Lastly, sometimes being kind to myself does mean over-indulging a little and if that means eating half a bag of chocolate chips once in awhile then that's fine too - just as long as I don't stress over it. ;)

-k

A Coffee Shop Confession

Confession time: over the past two weeks I've been feeling a little dissatisfied with my job.  Ok, I had been thinking about quitting my job to live in a coffee shop and take up blogging full time.  (As an aside: I think I seriously could live happily inside a Starbucks for the rest of my life. Can you imagine entertaining? "Hello, welcome to my home, have a seat.  May I offer you something to drink….?)  


I think much of the problem for me was that ever since I made more of a commitment to my blog I was starting to feel like work was taking up so much of my time and leaving so little time for some of my other interests, writing included.  True, things had been a little more intense at work lately (I had been picking up extra days for a sick coworker) so it was no surprise the long hours and lack of free time were wearing on me, but I couldn't help wondering if there was something more? 

A couple weeks ago in therapy I expressed my concerns to P.   Although certainly open to any avenue I may want to explore, P also offered some suggestions for making peace with my current situation.  She reminded me that my schedule wasn't actually all that bad (I currently alternate between a 4 day and 3 and 1/2 day work week) and gave me some tips on stress relief.  


P encouraged me to focus on work the days I was scheduled to work and plan that on those days that was all that I would be doing.  Then if some free time opened up unexpectedly or I happened to finish work earlier than usual it would be a pleasant surprise rather than planning things I'd like to fit in and then feeling frustrated when I didn't end up having time.  I have to admit, I didn't love this idea at first but it did make sense. I may have other things on my mind during the work day but currently work is where I have to be so why not focus my energy there and make the best of it?


P also encouraged me to focus on relaxing when I was off work so that when I left the office I would be able to leave it behind mentally as well.  She recommended developing a ritual that takes me from 'work mode' into 'relaxation mode', such as playing with my dogs or making a cup of tea (I did both!). She said the more senses involved the better.

It took me a couple of days to come around but I did eventually begin to feel more allowing of whatever work situations came up and was able to give my clients my fullest attention.  What I started to notice was that the more accepting I was, the more pleasant the work became.  This is something I've noticed before about the power of acceptance. Instead of resisting the current situation, becoming accepting of it actually seems to allow for a better overall experience and outcome.  It's a phenomenon I haven't quite worked out but I have experienced the effects of it.   


For example, at my job I'm fairly bound to a schedule but instead of pouring over it several times a day like I usually do, I tried to make a point not to even look at it throughout the day.  Instead of keeping my eye on the clock, wondering whether I'd finish on time or hoping I wouldn't be stuck at work past closing, I decided to throw time out the window altogether.  Almost as if by magic, my appointments began to flow more smoothly and there were several days I finished work at 6:30 on the dot (which isn't typical). I'd already experienced the benefits of not adhering so strictly to my plans and had seen how interestingly, the less I planned, the more I seemed to get done (and the less effort that went into it).  Now I was applying that skill to make my time at work more efficient and enjoyable.

The following week in therapy P started to help me to identify some of the aspects of my job that I'm dissatisfied with.  My job is physically and emotionally demanding which can be both rewarding and trying at times.  As I already mentioned my day is very much dictated by a schedule which I'm beginning realize I don't actually enjoy.  There is also a sense of balance that I feel is lacking when I have to spend long days at work (fitting in exercise and down time becomes tougher, I feel like I never see my dogs..).  And while I do enjoy having several days off at a stretch, much of my time off is spent simply recovering from a tough work week.

Being aware of the more stressful aspects of my job is helpful and will likely help me determine what I want and don't want in the future. For now, I think it's important for me to remember that I'm currently in a temporary living situation (having recently moved in with my parents to save money for a home).  I have a longer drive to and from work and less time to myself in general.  Stress can magnify a situation making it seem worse and sometimes just being aware of that is crucial.  I need to be sure to give myself enough down time on my days off (which I have a tendency not to do) and give myself a break because there are a lot of things I'm trying to fit in right now.  As much as I may not like it, there are going to be times when I will need to just shut off the computer and relax.  If I'm able to do that I'll be more refreshed and creative when I do choose to focus on writing.  

Truthfully, even as I write this I'm still deciding the role that I hope blogging will play in my life.  I'm not entirely sure whether my recent dissatisfaction over my job stemmed from just feeling overworked or whether I do eventually want to pursue a change at some point down the road (even just a change in schedule maybe).  But I do know that If I quit my job now I really might have to live in a coffee shop (although by 'live' I'd be using the term very loosely and 'entertaining' might  be more like getting chased out of Starbucks once they realized I couldn't actually afford to pay for anything in there).  While I may not enjoy having to adhere to a schedule and working long hours, there are a lot of aspects of my career that I'm very passionate about.  I still wish I had more time to devote to writing but for now I can hopefully at least use some of these tools to help manage and be less stressed.  And if all else fails it seems like Starbucks is always hiring. ;)

-k