When Life Hands You Lemons.. (A reflection on profit shares, 30 Rock and perspective)

I had a bad week.  My work week begins on Wednesday and I often start my long drive into the office daydreaming about how I think the week will pan out (yes I see the danger in this, both literally and from a therapy standpoint).  Will it be a good week or a bad week? Busy or slow?  Interestingly I began this particular Wednesday with little expectation about how the work week would go.  In fact, if I had to look back, I'd say it actually started off pretty good.  

The day was a little slow, which is atypical in my line of work, and presented the perfect opportunity to get caught up on some things I had been planning to get around to.  I spent most of the morning happily organizing my desk and catching up on some personal tasks. Midway through the day my boss called me into his office to talk to me about our company's profit share program which my nearly three years of employment with the company now qualifies me as eligible for.  

Let me just say here that I love my boss but he doesn't exactly have a knack for explaining things in the most organized manner.  Couple that with my relative lack of confidence in my knowledge of financial matters and I left the meeting not only feeling confused, but I was also pretty sure I did not exactly stand to profit from this so-called 'profit' share.  Furthermore, I was feeling somewhat pressured to participate (it seemed like most people were doing it, my not participating with my relative high position in the 'company food chain' might negatively affect those in positions below me, I didn't want my boss to be disappointed if I didn't get involved...was there something I just wasn't getting?). I became annoyed, both with myself and with the situation and it quickly turned my overall good day into a bad one.  

The thing is, lately I'd been feeling fairly happy about my work environment and it came as a surprise and even a disappointment that I was now finding myself flooded with all of these negative feelings about my current situation.  I began to mentally examine different aspects of my job: my salary, my environment, my hours (and I had recently negotiated an extra Saturday a month off) and in all areas it seemed I was coming up short. I found myself feeling stuck and even a little bit swindled as I started to focus on all of the seemingly negative aspects of my current situation.  

The next night, looking for some comic relief from the tension I'd been feeling at work, I tuned into my usual Thursday night lineup: the Office followed by an episode of 30 Rock.  On 30 Rock, Liz Lemon (the quirky and self-defeating main character) sets out to have a one night stand in attempt to get over a recent relationship.  She ends up meeting a stranger at a bar and is pleasantly surprised when they hit it off immediately.  He orders her favorite drink, says all the right things, and as they discover all of the things they have in common the night seems to unfold in an uncanny, perfect manner. It's not until the following day at work when, clear headed and suspicious, Liz gathers her coworkers into a room and upon questioning them one by one comes to the realization that the entire 'perfect' evening was cleverly orchestrated by her employees who wanted to help her get over her relationship.  In the end, she makes peace with the idea that she has caring coworkers and she had her rebound one night stand. Mission accomplished.

Feeling a little more light-hearted (and with my newfound Liz Lemon detective skills at hand) I began to look at things more objectively over the next couple days.  Reviewing my contract (yes it came to that) and comparing my pay to colleagues in a similar position, I realized I actually make out pretty fairly, and isn't there some good or bad about the situation no matter where you work? I may make what is considered to be average pay within my field but I have great coworkers, a caring boss and a work environment that I feel confident and comfortable in.  As I began to focus on more of the positive aspects of my current position I found myself once again feeling more content.  

So it seems that being in a positive or negative state of mind can lead you to focus on only the good or bad aspects of a situation.  Relating this back to my most recent relationship (which was what prompted me to seek therapy in the first place) I couldn't help but wonder: Did I do this with my relationship?  Because a few things seemed perfect (we were childhood friends, shared a common quirky sense of humor) did I try to convince myself that everything about the relationship was perfect when in reality everything has some good and bad? Is it all just a matter of perspective?  

A couple sessions ago P and I had talked about how when integrating information from the outside world we tend to interpret it in order to fall in line with our long held beliefs.  In other words, depending on how you feel about a circumstance, or about yourself, there is a tendency to notice only the aspects of a situation that help support that belief and ignore all other contrary information.  The good news is that with time it's possible to train your mind to zone in on the more positive aspects of your circumstances and even use that positive attitude to change your circumstances for the better.


Through my sessions in therapy I am learning that the foundation for being able to apply this skill lies in simply being in the right frame of mind and having the awareness to be open to different opportunities. I am also beginning to recognize the importance of just being able to sit back and be aware and objective and not be taken in by my emotions and how that can help me to make better decisions for myself.  Knowing what's best for me is actually a sense that I had long felt disconnected from until recently.  Building confidence, not only in myself or my skills at work for example, but also in my ability to be able to integrate these concepts and respond in a novel way from a point of newfound clarity and objectivity is an ongoing part of my therapy process.  

So all this talk about happiness and perspective begs the question: if you can simply alter your perspective and find yourself content in a less than extraordinary situation can you consider yourself to be truly happy? The obvious (and somewhat annoying) answer is: it probably depends on how you look at it.  But I prefer to think of it like this: we have more control over our happiness than we actually realize.  And in the end, if you're happy, then what does it really matter?  (I think Liz Lemon would agree). 

-k

Intro Post

Hello and welcome to my blog.  If we're going to start off on the right foot I feel obligated to confess something...

No one aside from my best friend and my sister (and now you of course) actually knows I'm in therapy. For some reason there seems to be this stigma surrounding the idea of therapy, like it's weak to need to ask for help or it's only for people who have experienced a horrible childhood.  In reality, I'm finding that we all have problems and, perhaps, if we were more upfront and open about them, then we wouldn't feel so alone in our struggles. That's one reason I have for starting this blog: to help people see that everyone struggles and everyone can use some help now and then (and for that, you're welcome). But this isn't an entirely selfless endeavor. I also hope that this blog will help serve as an avenue to chronicle my own progress through therapy and help me put the whole process in order. (You'll find that I like order).

As the title suggests, I'm hoping that by following me through my journey it might have a positive influence on the perspective from which you view your own life and circumstances, so thank you for allowing my process of helping me to also (hopefully) help you.

I was running when the idea to start a blog hit me and instantly a couple of things crossed my mind.  First, I became so excited that I nearly fell off the treadmill (wouldn't be the first time).  Second, I felt a little upset that I hadn't come up with the idea sooner. How cool would it have been to be able to track my progress right from the very start? I went back and forth on whether to start at the beginning and detail my experience through therapy up to this point (a retrospective blog, if you will) or whether to just dive right in from the point in therapy at which I find myself now. One of the things I learned on day one of therapy is that wherever you're at, in this moment, is exactly where you're supposed to be, and is totally fine. So with that in mind, let me begin.

I walked into my therapist's office this afternoon, a now familiar and welcoming place with warm, modern decor, breathed in the usual comforting and recognizable scent that as of yet I have been unable to define and glanced up at the words "hope" and "dream" on the wall.  I settled in to my usual place, an oversized leather chair seated across the room from her.  My therapist, I'll call her P, began today's session as she begins all sessions, by asking me how my previous week had been. Rarely finding myself at a loss for words I immediately began to recount the details of my week. In particular, I had been feeling anxious about whether a coworker's return from maternity leave might upset the current dynamic at work. I had worked myself into a near frenzy coming up with all kinds of theoretical circumstances for the day of her return and things that could go wrong. When it came down to it, none of the situations I was worried about actually played out, and in fact, the day went much more smoothly than I could have even imagined.

Lesson learned: 95% of the things we worry about never actually happen, at least not the way we think that they will. There's little use getting worked up over these made up scenarios and yet we all tend to do it.

Armed with that knowledge, and the realization that I could use it to help prevent future potentially stressful situations, I gained a newfound level of confidence at work. Not only that, but I found that my confidence from work had a ripple effect that continued to play out in other aspects of my life over the next couple days. (Spoiler alert: the opposite can happen too!)

We also talked a little about how emotions from events can sometimes feel overwhelming, and that often it's not the emotion at all but the belief that you've attached to it that's overwhelming.  An example: I was driving home yesterday, on Valentine's Day (and currently single), reflecting on the previous year when I had spent the day with my boyfriend at the time and I noticed myself feeling a little sad.  In the past that sad emotion might have led me down a path of negative thoughts that would have only left me feeling worse.  Instead, in that particular instance, I was able to recognize the emotion for what it was, accept it, and move on.

Approximately 4 months into therapy and really starting to feel some of the benefits of my progress, I still have what I consider setbacks, times when I'm feeling sad or when negative thoughts creep into my head. The difference now, I'm noticing, is that I'm starting to be able to separate the emotion from some deep seeded belief I once had about myself, or as I explained it to P, I feel the emotion on the surface but it doesn't shake my inner core as easily. I'm also finding myself more content in general, and more accepting of change, not feeling like I have to be so controlling or rigid about situations. 


 I find that I can often recognize or feel the effects of my therapy but can't quite pin down the underlying reason or process.  P explained today that a person's degree of flexibility can be an indirect indicator of how happy they are.   Makes sense.

On a side note, I had a meeting with my accountant yesterday. (Yup, on Valentine's Day).  He asked me how my year had been (from a financial standpoint I presume). But sitting there in that chair across the room from him and being asked that question I found myself in a familiar position and I had to fight the urge to start spilling every single detail of my past year. Instead I was speechless. He just paused and looked at me and said, "Well you look happy so it must have been a good year." And you know what? He's right.

-k