Beast of Burden

Last week in therapy the topic was stress.  I had been feeling a lot of it lately and I wanted to talk to P about some ways I could try and decrease some of the stress symptoms I had been experiencing (most notably my aching cheeks and jaw or what I've dubbed in the past as my 'sour patch kids' feeling since it feels like I'm sucking on a bunch of the sour candy). I discussed with P some of the things I had been feeling stressed about (work, website design for my blog - nothing new here).  I also mentioned that I'd been wondering whether it was an indication that I'd taken a step back or ruined some of the progress I'd made in therapy.  In fact, perhaps that's the part that I was most concerned about.  (I address it every now and then but as I go forward and continue to build in therapy it's really important for me to feel like I'm continuing to make progress. I don't always realize it but I'm putting a lot of myself into the process of therapy, not only from a time standpoint but emotionally and financially also, so any possible indication that I'm not continuing to grow and change for the better is actually really unsettling). P brought me out of my little stress reverie by asking me if I realized that I was stressing out about my stress which was making me even more stressed(!) 

In hopes to relieve some of my stress symptoms, P gave me a little exercise for the week (love it when P gives me 'assignments'). She asked me to pay attention to times when I was feeling stressed (easy, my sour patch kids let me know every time) and to rate my stress level on a scale of 1 to 10 (on my scale a 1 refers to a slight tingling in my cheeks, 10 = downing an entire box of SPK all at once).  She also wanted me to try and notice any thoughts that came along with the feelings of stress. Here's a random sample from my week:

Tuesday: Driving home from therapy my stress level was at a 3 (mild ache in my cheeks and tension in my jawline).  I tried to tap into what I was feeling stressed about. I knew what it was immediately: money, specifically not having enough of it.  My budget had been a little out of control the past month and I was feeling like I had been making some poor spending choices. (I also just happened to be listening to a piece on NPR about the stock market crash which I'm sure didn't help). I had had a few unexpected expenses come up (car and camera repairs, travel expenses - I'd decided last minute to attend a blogger conference in Philadelphia) and I was stressed that I wasn't contributing enough to my savings. 

I tried to think about it logically. It's true that I have a lot going on this month but I'm also fortunate to currently be living rent free so I haven't had to break into my emergency savings. Plus, I'm sure there will be times I can cut back a little in the coming few months. Realistically, even when I've been well over my budget in the past I've always managed to get by (Let's face it, I've never actually been forced to live on the streets). Reasoning it this way did seem to quell the sour patch kids for the time being.

Later that afternoon I was headed out to cash in on a chemical peel I'd purchased awhile back on Groupon: stress level 5.  I was anxious because I wasn't feeling too well after having eaten too much earlier (another unwelcome side effect of my stress).  I was supposed to meet up with one of my friends from school for dinner later that night and on top of feeling like I'd be too stuffed to even enjoy it, I was also concerned that I was trying to squeeze too many things into my day off. I worried about not having enough time for the other things I'd had planned: writing, talking on Skype with my best friend and participating in an online blogger chat that I'd been making a point to attend on Tuesday nights. I 'd also been feeling some anxiety over whether or not to tell my friend I was meeting for dinner about my blog (I hadn't really seen her since I'd been blogging more regularly). All of these things were weighing on my mind as I arrived at the skin care clinic for my chemical peel. At one point, the technician who was administering my peel (which came with a mini facial massage) actually had to remind me to breathe.

After my 'relaxing' skin procedure I ended up heading over to Barnes and Noble. Since they have free wi-fi, I figured it would be a good place to both Skype and participate in my online chat. (Side note: talking on Skype in a public place is a little awkward) Feeling a little more at ease, I was able to catch up with my best friend and we even booked a hotel for our upcoming trip - a both fun and productive Skype session!

 We had called it quits just in time for me to to sign into my online chat when my computer died. Rather than becoming stressed over the situation I tried to look at the bright side: with no technology at my disposal and time to kill before dinner I had an unexpected opportunity to journal a little (which I had been wanting to do).  When I finished journaling, with plenty of time to spare, a guy who had been seated across from me in the B&N cafe came by and struck op a conversation and we chatted for awhile and he even asked for my number! (I'm sure I was much more approachable without my nose buried in my computer).

Dinner with my friend wound up being a lot of fun (as it always is). I didn't end up telling her about my blog but we had plenty of other things to talk about and I had forgotten how nice it was to just sit and have a relaxing time with a good friend. Driving home later that evening: stress level 0 :)

Wednesday: I found myself getting stressed on the way to work (about a level 3). I couldn't really put a finger on why but I noticed that just being aware of it helped me so I was able to nip it before it got too bad. 

Right about then was when I realized two things: first of all, I stress a LOT, and much of it seems to be out of habit. And second: if by simply being aware of my stress I could make myself less stressed then maybe I could develop some techniques to help manage it. In other words, I've just got to be smarter than the stress.

In talking it over with P it seems that we all express stress in different ways. For some people it's through anger, others express stress as sadness or depression. Personally, most of my stress manifests as anxiety (worrying and over-planning). And stressing about my stress is just a double whammy. Stress isn't necessarily a bad thing but the side effects of too much stress or prolonged stress can be (physical symptoms such as muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, or consuming half a bag of of chocolate chips in one sitting as I may have been known to do a time or two). P said that stress can be used as an indicator because it forces you to slow down and assess the current situation, to ask yourself: do I have a lot going on? do I need to be taking better care of myself? does something need to change? It got me thinking: what if, instead of worrying about stress I could actually turn my stress into something productive? 

Having a science background and knowing a little about development and physiology something that came to mind when I was thinking on the topic of stress (and something that I've always found interesting) is that it's the production of fetal stress hormone that actually initiates the process of labor. Something as simple as as the fetus being placed under stress triggers an entire cascade of events leading to the end result of birth.  A decidedly positive outcome, all because of a little stress. So it can't all be bad. In fact, I started to have a sneaking suspicion that if I can learn to deal with my stress more effectively I may actually be able to use it to my advantage. Much in the same way that some great athletes perform better under pressure, utilizing stress in the right way can be a very positive thing. 

So after much reflection, here you have it!  

My tips to outsmart stress:

Tip # 1: Turn anxiety into action. Take my stress over money issues on Tuesday for example. Worrying about my money situation doesn't do me any good. Sitting down and reviewing my budget for any changes that I can make and then figuring out a productive way that I can manage it, however, does help. 

Tip # 2: Be flexible. This is still a tough one for me. Since one of my personal by-products of stress is planning, anything that throws a wrench in my plans often makes me more stressed out. P pointed out however, as I'd learned on Tuesday evening, that a change in plans doesn't always mean something bad, in fact sometimes it can lead to something better such as an opportunity I may have not had otherwise (like meeting a cute guy in a coffee shop!)

Tip # 3: Beware of the beast.  Start to become attuned to the signals your body gives you when you're feeling stressed and pay attention when you notice those feelings.  Then ask yourself whether your stress is doing you any good  (causing you to take productive action) or if it's just feeding into the beast. For me, much of my anxiety stems from stressing about how events of the day may or may not go (which I have little control over anyway), or simply worrying out of habit so it really does nothing more than feed into the stress cycle. Don't let stress turn into more stress.

Tip # 4: Stress then assess. Remember that stress is a normal part of life and sometimes even a good thing.  When you notice yourself feeling more stressed than usual, use it as a cue to slow down and assess the situation. Maybe there's something that can be changed.

Tip # 5: And if all else fails or I realize I've already managed my stress to the best of my ability and there are still outside stressors that are beyond my control then those are the times when it's really important to take extra care of myself by getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods that will continue to make me feel good in the long term (rather than just a quick chocolate fix) and being extra kind to myself by relaxing when I can. 

Lastly, sometimes being kind to myself does mean over-indulging a little and if that means eating half a bag of chocolate chips once in awhile then that's fine too - just as long as I don't stress over it. ;)

-k

A Coffee Shop Confession

Confession time: over the past two weeks I've been feeling a little dissatisfied with my job.  Ok, I had been thinking about quitting my job to live in a coffee shop and take up blogging full time.  (As an aside: I think I seriously could live happily inside a Starbucks for the rest of my life. Can you imagine entertaining? "Hello, welcome to my home, have a seat.  May I offer you something to drink….?)  


I think much of the problem for me was that ever since I made more of a commitment to my blog I was starting to feel like work was taking up so much of my time and leaving so little time for some of my other interests, writing included.  True, things had been a little more intense at work lately (I had been picking up extra days for a sick coworker) so it was no surprise the long hours and lack of free time were wearing on me, but I couldn't help wondering if there was something more? 

A couple weeks ago in therapy I expressed my concerns to P.   Although certainly open to any avenue I may want to explore, P also offered some suggestions for making peace with my current situation.  She reminded me that my schedule wasn't actually all that bad (I currently alternate between a 4 day and 3 and 1/2 day work week) and gave me some tips on stress relief.  


P encouraged me to focus on work the days I was scheduled to work and plan that on those days that was all that I would be doing.  Then if some free time opened up unexpectedly or I happened to finish work earlier than usual it would be a pleasant surprise rather than planning things I'd like to fit in and then feeling frustrated when I didn't end up having time.  I have to admit, I didn't love this idea at first but it did make sense. I may have other things on my mind during the work day but currently work is where I have to be so why not focus my energy there and make the best of it?


P also encouraged me to focus on relaxing when I was off work so that when I left the office I would be able to leave it behind mentally as well.  She recommended developing a ritual that takes me from 'work mode' into 'relaxation mode', such as playing with my dogs or making a cup of tea (I did both!). She said the more senses involved the better.

It took me a couple of days to come around but I did eventually begin to feel more allowing of whatever work situations came up and was able to give my clients my fullest attention.  What I started to notice was that the more accepting I was, the more pleasant the work became.  This is something I've noticed before about the power of acceptance. Instead of resisting the current situation, becoming accepting of it actually seems to allow for a better overall experience and outcome.  It's a phenomenon I haven't quite worked out but I have experienced the effects of it.   


For example, at my job I'm fairly bound to a schedule but instead of pouring over it several times a day like I usually do, I tried to make a point not to even look at it throughout the day.  Instead of keeping my eye on the clock, wondering whether I'd finish on time or hoping I wouldn't be stuck at work past closing, I decided to throw time out the window altogether.  Almost as if by magic, my appointments began to flow more smoothly and there were several days I finished work at 6:30 on the dot (which isn't typical). I'd already experienced the benefits of not adhering so strictly to my plans and had seen how interestingly, the less I planned, the more I seemed to get done (and the less effort that went into it).  Now I was applying that skill to make my time at work more efficient and enjoyable.

The following week in therapy P started to help me to identify some of the aspects of my job that I'm dissatisfied with.  My job is physically and emotionally demanding which can be both rewarding and trying at times.  As I already mentioned my day is very much dictated by a schedule which I'm beginning realize I don't actually enjoy.  There is also a sense of balance that I feel is lacking when I have to spend long days at work (fitting in exercise and down time becomes tougher, I feel like I never see my dogs..).  And while I do enjoy having several days off at a stretch, much of my time off is spent simply recovering from a tough work week.

Being aware of the more stressful aspects of my job is helpful and will likely help me determine what I want and don't want in the future. For now, I think it's important for me to remember that I'm currently in a temporary living situation (having recently moved in with my parents to save money for a home).  I have a longer drive to and from work and less time to myself in general.  Stress can magnify a situation making it seem worse and sometimes just being aware of that is crucial.  I need to be sure to give myself enough down time on my days off (which I have a tendency not to do) and give myself a break because there are a lot of things I'm trying to fit in right now.  As much as I may not like it, there are going to be times when I will need to just shut off the computer and relax.  If I'm able to do that I'll be more refreshed and creative when I do choose to focus on writing.  

Truthfully, even as I write this I'm still deciding the role that I hope blogging will play in my life.  I'm not entirely sure whether my recent dissatisfaction over my job stemmed from just feeling overworked or whether I do eventually want to pursue a change at some point down the road (even just a change in schedule maybe).  But I do know that If I quit my job now I really might have to live in a coffee shop (although by 'live' I'd be using the term very loosely and 'entertaining' might  be more like getting chased out of Starbucks once they realized I couldn't actually afford to pay for anything in there).  While I may not enjoy having to adhere to a schedule and working long hours, there are a lot of aspects of my career that I'm very passionate about.  I still wish I had more time to devote to writing but for now I can hopefully at least use some of these tools to help manage and be less stressed.  And if all else fails it seems like Starbucks is always hiring. ;)

-k

Take Me As I Am

Therapy isn't always about hashing out drama that has happened during my week.  In fact it's almost never that.  More often than not it's just talking about little things throughout the week that provide a window into bigger things and sometimes 'material' for therapy appears when I least expect it.  For example, last Saturday morning I was at my trainer's wrapping up a session (we train out of his home gym) and rather than driving over to my regular gym I was hoping he wouldn't mind if I stayed after and run on his treadmill.  He told me he had breakfast plans, which was totally reasonable (it was Saturday after all and just because he extends the courtesy to me to stay and use his cardio equipment on occasion I certainly don't expect him to do it all the time). Yet I was surprised to find I had to struggle not to feel upset about it. 

I realized at the time that it didn't make a lot of rational sense but I couldn't help but feel really disappointed, like he was letting me down somehow.  The following Tuesday in therapy I told P about the incident, not because of anything to do with the story itself but because of the strong emotion it had brought up for me.  I knew it was a feeling I'd noticed before (and often) and so I felt that it warranted some attention.  

After talking it out with P I realized that the feeling of being let down seems to present itself most often when it comes to my relationships with the males in my life.  With females (sisters, friends, etc) the feeling I associate more strongly with is one of being left out.  Regardless, it all seemed to point back to one central emotional theme of feeling alone. In order to try and get to the bottom of it, P encouraged me to pay close attention to the times when I feel this way.  She also asked me to think a little bit about my family relationships, especially from when I was young.  P cautioned me not to over-analyze it (I have a tendency to be an over-analyzer…) and said that she suspected it probably actually stems from something very simple.

So over the past week I began thinking about my childhood.  I'm the second youngest of 5 children and as anyone who grew up with siblings knows there are plenty of opportunities for choosing sides or pitting one person against another which could easily account for my notions of feeling left out.  (Interestingly, looking back on my life I realize I've continued to recreate these same patterns, feeling left out among a trio of friends or finding myself a fifth wheel tagging along with two couples.  It's no wonder I find myself in these types of situations - I've literally been the fifth wheel all my life!) When it came to my brothers and sisters, it seemed like we all spent time vying for one another's attention or plotting against one another at some point.  Yet we definitely had our share of fun and togetherness too.  I tried to reason it from a logical standpoint: I grew up in a house of 7 people with no shortage of siblings to play with, so why on earth did I feel so alone?

 Also on my mind throughout the week were some concerns I had surrounding my new blog.  Trying to find my niche amongst the healthy living blog world, I had found myself over-analyzing a lot of my recent posts (see? I told you..).  I had been worried that I was losing my focus or straying too far from my original intent and wondering whether I might be trying too hard to fit in or to be something that I'm not.  At times I noticed a tendency to try and produce what I thought other people would want to read rather than just letting it be a reflection of myself.

  I had been reading advice and tips from other bloggers and one idea that kept coming up was how the best blogs seem to be the ones where the writer simply shows who they are.  Deep down I already knew this to be true but for some reason it still made me feel a little uneasy.  I spent some time talking to P about my blog and my desire for it to come from me and to be authentic.  The way I explained it to her was that I feel like there is this other side that I'm trying to reach where some of the more experienced bloggers already are where they've been doing it long enough to realize that they're happiest and most successful just being themselves. 

I know that I want my writing to show people who I am and to come from an authentic place but I also can't help feeling like I'm taking a giant leap of faith to trust that I will get to the other side and be ok. P threw me a curve ball by asking me what exactly it was about putting myself out there that I was afraid of and I realized what it was right at that moment: a fear of not being accepted as I am.  What if the authentic version of me just won't do?

I wondered how I came up with this idea of the real me not being good enough and how it might relate to my family situation.  In my family (as is probably the case with a lot of families) we aren't always comfortable talking to one another about serious things and there are times we tiptoe around one another's feelings rather than just addressing issues directly and I think sometimes it creates a lack of emotional intimacy.  Because this was likely the case growing up, I think there may have been times I didn't feel connected to anyone in a genuine way (perhaps part of the reason I felt alone at times).  We all long for genuine interaction and perhaps this is part of what was lacking for me.  

I'm not saying that my family was dysfunctional, in fact I feel we were far from that, but P explained that the perfect family doesn't exist and all families have less than healthy forms of communication at times that can often lead to these types of feelings.  It might be as simple as being dismissed with a joke when you're trying to be taken seriously or a distracted parent failing to acknowledge you at a time you were feeling hurt.  It's inevitable that these types of miscommunications at an early age leave you questioning yourself, whether you were right or wrong to have felt or behaved a certain way.  What it boils down to is that every family has its own issues and early family interactions can have a cumulative effect in shaping the way that you view yourself and the world.  For me, I believe it has played into a fear of not being accepted at face value.

The good news is that these notions we have of ourselves can be changed.  It's actually very thrilling for me to realize that by breaking down these long held beliefs (or even recognizing that they exist first place) it's allowing me to unleash my full potential.  I'm excited for my blog to develop and grow as an extension of me, not someone I'm trying to be.  For perhaps the first time in my life I feel ready to really show myself to the world and I can't wait for the world to see who I am. 

-k

My Love Story: A Modern Day Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was in love…

In reality it was just a little over a year ago, I was dating a guy I'd been friends with in high school after we'd reconnected on Facebook.  I was approaching the last year of my twenties and had notions of settling down on my mind.  He was about to ask me to move across the country so that we could be together.  It was romantic and exciting and all very new for me.  And we were in love.  Two star-crossed lovers it seemed separated by miles and circumstance.  Never before really believing I could find a relationship that would last, I finally felt like everything in my life was falling into place. I finally had someone I could lean on and rely on, who would always care for me. I had finally found my knight in shining armor and my happy ending at last was underway.  

The night before I turned 29 he had wished me happy birthday telling me he hoped it would be my best year ever.  And I believed that it would be.  Perhaps it was a well thought out sentiment or maybe it's just one of those things you say to someone on their birthday but either way he turned out to be right.  But not for the reason I thought, and not for any reason that had anything to do with him.  Ultimately, our relationship would unravel before I turned 30 but his words turned out to be almost prophetic.  Somewhat ironically, it was the end of my relationship with him (a rather low point in my life) that prompted me to turn to therapy which has turned out to be the one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. So in a sense he was right, it was my best year. 

When our relationship ended I struggled to find meaning in it all.  It was difficult for me to reconcile the idea that something I'd believed in so strongly could just be over.  It's kind of like being a child and believing in fairy tales. You become enchanted by tales of charming princes and fairy godmothers and happily ever after and then one day you grow up and realize they're just stories and suddenly all of the magic is gone.  

Finding meaning in our relationship is something I still struggle with and I've discussed it with P on a few occasions.  According to her, the desire to find meaning in things is natural, it's how people find peace with uncertainty (much in the way that religion provides a sense of security for many people).  It becomes problematic when you focus so much on finding meaning that you lose sight of the experience altogether.  Take those childhood fairy tales for example.  When I was young those stories provided a source of imagination, they encouraged me to dream and taught me to believe in love and in happy endings.  Real life doesn't always unfold like a fairy tale but those early stories of triumph and prevail give us something to aspire for and maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Thinking back on my relationship, I realize that he too encouraged me to dream.  He believed in me when I didn't necessarily believe in myself.  Perhaps because we had been friends at a young age, he actually reawakened a little bit of the child inside of me.  He helped me rediscover a part of myself that I'd long forgotten and helped me to bring a sense of fun and adventure back into my life during a time that I was probably much too focused and serious.  He reminded me to slow down and take care of myself at a time when I was pushing myself way too hard.  He helped me believe in love again at a time when I thought I no longer could. 

Perhaps because my relationship with him helped me to recognize all of these things I equated him with the experience but I'm beginning to realize that they're actually two separate entities. Even though we're no longer together and I can't take him with me I am able to hold onto the experience and what I gained from it.  Even now I realize that its during times when I'm stressed or sad or feeling more vulnerable that I want to reach out for him.  Almost instinctively, I want to turn to him to have someone to talk to or to lean on but I'm also starting to find that I can fulfill that need for myself.  Kind of like a child who reaches for their blanket when they're frightened and then one day realizes it's not so scary out there any more.  There's a certain security in believing in happily ever after.  I'm starting to establish that sense of security by learning to believe in myself.

P has told me that building more security on my own will allow me to make better decisions when it comes future relationships.  To think about that is really kind of empowering.  Instead of waiting for my knight in shining armor to rescue me it's almost like I'm becoming the heroine of my own story.  It's not that I've given up on love, I just no longer want to feel the need to be rescued.  I'm creating my own modern day fairy tale in a sense.  Now that's not to say if a tall dark and handsome stranger rides by on a horse I won't look, but if he arrives on foot I think that will be equally fine with me.

The End :)

-k

A New Perspective

I walked into P's office this week without a whole lot new to report.  I was beginning to feel like a broken record (albeit one playing a much happier tune these days) but in general, I had just been feeling really good.  I had worked the past 6 days in a row including Sunday (yes, seriously) but I wasn't too distraught over it.  After a couple days of over-indulging at family events (Pizzeria Bianco and ice cream!) I was still feeling pretty good from a health and fitness standpoint.  I had also spent time reviewing and editing some of the posts from this blog while continuing to brainstorm ideas for my newest blog project.  And even though it had been a busy week I'd still managed to fit in time to sort out some money matters in regards to my student loans and mortgage loan for my upcoming home purchase.

Coming down off of the high I'd been on during the previous week with all it's excitement and with my feelings over my old boyfriend's email still hanging in the balance I had wondered whether I might be headed for a more somber mood and in fact toward the end of the week I did find myself feeling a little sad and even teary at times.  I gave myself some time and space to wallow just a little.  At one point I even put a tear-invoking song on my iPod, hit repeat and encouraged myself to have a good cry.  ('Can You Feel the Love Tonight' from the Lion King soundtrack does it for me every time. I'll have you know that I'm sharing very privileged information with you here - do NOT tell anyone I told you this).  


As I told P in a fairly nonchalant manner about how I'd been feeling a little down and how I thought it was to be expected I realized it was a little more significant than I'd given myself credit for.  Instead of viewing my sadness as a setback or a negative thing (as I might have done in the past) I had accepted it as a natural part of the process.  I really think this speaks to how far I've come in therapy and opens up a whole new way of thinking for me.

In fact, over the past few weeks I've noticed that I'm becoming more comfortable with the ups and downs in a lot of aspects of life.  For example, as I mentioned it was a busy work week and I didn't get a chance to exercise as much as I normally like to.  Saturdays I typically go the gym for a long run after work but I was feeling a little worn out so instead I came home and took a nap with my dogs and it was just what I needed.  I woke up feeling much more refreshed and didn't worry about missing my gym time.

I'm beginning to learn to take the highs with the lows, the soars with the slumps and I think it's giving me a more positive outlook on life.  Beginning to dissolve my perfectionistic way of thinking has not only done wonders for my stress level but I believe it's making me more primed for success.  According to P the all or nothing way of thinking is nearly always is very limiting and if you consider it for a moment it makes sense.  Instead of feeling bad and giving up or losing motivation when I'm faced with an obstacle or setback I'm now learning to take a deep breath, give myself some space and come back and look at the situation with a fresh perspective.

P and I spent a little time talking about the power of accepting and enjoying the present.  Rather than lamenting about the past or trying to fast forward to the future, being more accepting of your life and where you are at any point allows you to just be open to opportunities instead of focusing on what's lacking and that often it seems that this is when opportunities will come flying at you.  P also mentioned that simply being open to all possibilities and not having any set or rigid expectations about a situation often makes for a happier outcome.  I think I'm already starting to see some of the effects of this.

This is definitely a new way of thinking for me.  Even as I write this I still have so many ideas swirling around in my head for the next steps I'd like to take in my life and it has me feeling both excited and a little frustrated.   Its during these times when I'm frustrated with the process and feeling like I don't have enough time or resources for everything I want to do that I need to just push through and and stay in a positive frame of mind to allow for some inspiration to arrive.  Life is full of ups and downs but if I'm able to just hang on, ride out the twists and turns and keep moving forward I'm starting to believe that it could open up a whole new world of possibilities. 

-k

Hope, Dream, Imagine..

'I haven't a clue as to how my story will end but that's all right.  When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished.  And how else could we discover the stars?'  - Nancy Willard

I had the most wonderful weekend.  For starters, my best friend was in town and the majority of my time over the past few days was spent hanging out with her and visiting with our relatives (my best friend from high school also just happened to marry my cousin which makes us related by default - something I'm pretty sure all childhood best friends dream of).  We had a great time catching up and celebrating as my aunt and uncle welcomed a new baby into the family.  Between her own growing family (found out that she's pregnant!) and me being on the verge of purchasing my very first home we had a lot of things to talk about.  With that on top of the new baby, my brother moving back home and my little sister going away to graduate school, it feels like a time of very exciting change!  

Sunday evening we had met up with another old high school friend for dinner and afterward the three of us wandered over to a coffee shop and sat outside chatting as the sun went down.  At one point the discussion turned to travel and we began to list all of the places we'd like to vacation someday once we had the luxury.  I imagined how lovely it would feel to be having this conversation while dining al fresco at a little cafe in Italy.  As we sat there on the patio outside the coffee shop sipping our macchiatos and eating gelato I felt the warm breeze on my cheeks and as I glanced around at the picturesque backdrop framed by dark green ivy growing up the wall I wondered what more we really could have asked for in that very moment?  What a welcome reminder to embrace and enjoy the present. 

Later that night, back at my best friend's parents' house, she and I were sitting outside reminiscing about our friendship and all the good times (and some fights) that we'd had and how we'd had our share of ups and downs but had always managed to come back together.  We realized it was kind of amazing as we considered all of the events that had taken shape in order to bring us to where we are now with her married to my cousin, a permanent part of my family.   It seemed it couldn't have gone more perfectly if we'd planned it (and believe me, we tried!)  Looking at all that had taken place over the past 15 years and all the changes yet to come we couldn't help but wonder what our lives would be like in 10 or even 5 more years down the road.  It got me thinking about how the important people seem to weave in and out of our lives no matter what the circumstances and it gave me a great sense of comfort about the future.

You see, earlier in the week my most recent previous boyfriend (the relationship whose ending had first prompted me to turn to therapy) had emailed me after about 9 months without any contact.  The details of our relationship I won't discuss now, perhaps sometime in the future, but he and I had also been childhood friends which I think made the rise and fall of our romance particularly difficult for me.  I had a hard time reconciling the idea that someone who I'd always valued to be an important part of my life could just be erased from it, in any capacity. 


While it was somewhat bittersweet to hear from him (what happened between us hasn't entirely been resolved and it is a long road back to building the friendship we once had), there was a feeling of comfort that came with it.  For most of our lives our paths have intertwined in some very extraordinary ways, I believe for some reason, whether simply to grow and learn from one another or to provide a more constant source of companionship I'm really not sure.  But I do know that my relationship with him helped me to discover some very important things about myself not the least of which is that I'm stronger than I once realized.  I don't know what will come of our recent reconcile (and what, if anything, I even hope to gain from it) but I think I'll take a lesson from last week's post and just take it one day at a time.  It's impossible to know what the future holds and yet that's also the beauty of life, it's like a great mystery waiting to be unraveled. 

I came upon the quote at the beginning of this post just this morning, quite by accident, but it really very nicely sums up how I've been feeling over these past few days.  Much like a season finale cliffhanger of my favorite TV show I feel that my life is on the brink of something great. With so many possibilities for the future, I feel all at once very excited and even satisfied to just sit with the unknown and drink it in.  I don't know what the future holds but for once I feel very content with that.  I feel like the bigger picture will take shape as it should.  


Much of my session with P today was spent discussing my newfound peace with all of this and how it reflects how far I've come since I first came to her, fresh off a breakup, back in September.  I'd mentioned back in my very first post when describing the comforting layout of P's office that the words 'dream' and 'hope' displayed on the wall on the left side of the room are now familiar and constant fixtures.  I'm not sure whether it was new decor or my mindset or just chance but I found it very fitting that in 8 months of therapy and over thirty times of walking in and out of her office that on this particular day as I got up to leave I glanced over to the right side of the room and for the first time noticed that very discretely but carefully laid on the end table next to the chair where I always sit was also a set of silver block letters that spelled out the word 'imagine.' 

-k

Charting My Course

Some weeks I arrive at my therapist's office with no clear plan of what I want to discuss.  Other times I have so many concepts and thoughts that fly at me throughout the week that I don't know even know where to begin.  This was one of those weeks.  Last session P and I had revisited my list of original objectives from when I'd first started therapy (you remember, the one that made me cry?).  This time when we reviewed the list, not only did I not cry, but I was actually able to see that I had been sailing toward my goals with flying colors.  I left that session feeling pleased with what I'd accomplished and with a renewed enthusiasm for therapy and the process of self discovery, excited to set out and conquer even more.  

Later that week I snuck away on my lunch break to journal at Starbucks.  I had been wanting to sit down and map out some of my new goals for therapy.  I knew that I wanted to keep working on building confidence in my career (and self-confidence in general), to continue to reduce anxiety and stress in my daily life and the associated physical symptoms (when I'm stressed I feel it very acutely in the form of pain in my cheeks and jaw - you know that sort of pungent feeling you get when you bite into a sour patch kid? It's kind of like that).  I decided that I now also wanted to hone in on learning to trust my instincts, to begin to build more confidence in dealing with money related matters and perhaps one of my biggest goals was to continue to come from a place that was more genuine and open in relationships (with friends, family and eventually romantic relationships also).  What I started to realize is that being more authentic in my relationships really comes down to continuing to get in touch with becoming a more authentic version of myself.  Once I'm able to do that then all of the other stuff just comes naturally.  

I remember in one of my first sessions with P she mentioned that when people go through the process of therapy they often come out the other side surprised that who they thought they were isn't actually who they were at all.  I had already experienced some changes in myself since beginning therapy.  I decided to spend the next few days giving a little bit of thought to who I really am, and what it is that I want (not just out of therapy but life in general).  


So I started to ask myself some questions:  What are the things in life that I find most important? What drives and inspires me?  What began to emerge was my passion for therapy and wellness, pets, cooking, health, and finding balance amidst a busy lifestyle.  I've also known for awhile that I have a strong desire to share my ideas and experience with others yet, as a busy professional myself, I wasn't really sure where it all fit in.  I racked my brain for ways that I could bring more of my passions into the forefront of my everyday life.

Then, over the weekend, I was at the gym (where all of my most inspired thoughts seem to strike) when suddenly it hit me like a gust of wind.  Ideas were coming at me so fast I could barely keep up with jotting them down in the notepad of my phone.  I felt electrified as I imagined all of the possibilities for incorporating these things into my life. Continuing to further develop my therapy blog (maybe even writing a book someday?), expanding the blog to include some of my other topics of interest, reaching out and sharing my experience and advice with other working professionals in the future…  


Even the next day, as I was out hiking, my mind was still literally exploding with ideas.  Fueled by my excitement I bounded up the mountain with ease.  It was brainstorming at its finest.  I knew no boundaries.  I was a force to be reckoned with!

Unfortunately for me there's often a fine line that exists between feeling excited and feeling overwhelmed and my enthusiasm quickly gave way to stress (sour patch kids anyone??).  I began to imagine all of the obstacles that stood in my way of getting from point A to point B.  Sure I had no shortage of ideas but I wasn't even certain yet which ones I wanted to pursue or what I wanted the end result to be.  As my mind absorbed the weight of my doubts I suddenly noticed I had stopped in the middle of the hiking trail, dead in my tracks.  


That's when I realized that I was making it bigger than it was.  Any venture or journey in life is just a series of small steps taken one at a time.  If you let yourself become overwhelmed by the big picture and everything that could go wrong not only is it stressful but you run the risk of psyching yourself out so much that you become scared to take a step in any direction.  It's not always necessary to know exactly where you're going but sometimes just aiming in the right direction is enough.  You can always fine tune the details later.  I may not arrive at my destination tomorrow (and who even knows what that destination will be?) but if I keep taking steps in the right direction (even small ones) I know I'll get there eventually.  

How do I know this process works? Because it's the same method I use to write my blog each week.  I don't ever sit down and just write an entire post from start to finish.  Instead I have a general idea of where I'd like it to go so I throw in a little piece here, a sentence there, cut and paste a few times until suddenly I can see it all taking shape before my eyes.  Yes I know that I can't cut and paste in life and there's no delete button (although don't you wish there was sometimes!) but even if I veer off course a little, as long as whatever I'm putting out there comes from a place of authenticity within myself I believe that I will manage to find my way back on track.  

-k