My Love Story: A Modern Day Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was in love…

In reality it was just a little over a year ago, I was dating a guy I'd been friends with in high school after we'd reconnected on Facebook.  I was approaching the last year of my twenties and had notions of settling down on my mind.  He was about to ask me to move across the country so that we could be together.  It was romantic and exciting and all very new for me.  And we were in love.  Two star-crossed lovers it seemed separated by miles and circumstance.  Never before really believing I could find a relationship that would last, I finally felt like everything in my life was falling into place. I finally had someone I could lean on and rely on, who would always care for me. I had finally found my knight in shining armor and my happy ending at last was underway.  

The night before I turned 29 he had wished me happy birthday telling me he hoped it would be my best year ever.  And I believed that it would be.  Perhaps it was a well thought out sentiment or maybe it's just one of those things you say to someone on their birthday but either way he turned out to be right.  But not for the reason I thought, and not for any reason that had anything to do with him.  Ultimately, our relationship would unravel before I turned 30 but his words turned out to be almost prophetic.  Somewhat ironically, it was the end of my relationship with him (a rather low point in my life) that prompted me to turn to therapy which has turned out to be the one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. So in a sense he was right, it was my best year. 

When our relationship ended I struggled to find meaning in it all.  It was difficult for me to reconcile the idea that something I'd believed in so strongly could just be over.  It's kind of like being a child and believing in fairy tales. You become enchanted by tales of charming princes and fairy godmothers and happily ever after and then one day you grow up and realize they're just stories and suddenly all of the magic is gone.  

Finding meaning in our relationship is something I still struggle with and I've discussed it with P on a few occasions.  According to her, the desire to find meaning in things is natural, it's how people find peace with uncertainty (much in the way that religion provides a sense of security for many people).  It becomes problematic when you focus so much on finding meaning that you lose sight of the experience altogether.  Take those childhood fairy tales for example.  When I was young those stories provided a source of imagination, they encouraged me to dream and taught me to believe in love and in happy endings.  Real life doesn't always unfold like a fairy tale but those early stories of triumph and prevail give us something to aspire for and maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Thinking back on my relationship, I realize that he too encouraged me to dream.  He believed in me when I didn't necessarily believe in myself.  Perhaps because we had been friends at a young age, he actually reawakened a little bit of the child inside of me.  He helped me rediscover a part of myself that I'd long forgotten and helped me to bring a sense of fun and adventure back into my life during a time that I was probably much too focused and serious.  He reminded me to slow down and take care of myself at a time when I was pushing myself way too hard.  He helped me believe in love again at a time when I thought I no longer could. 

Perhaps because my relationship with him helped me to recognize all of these things I equated him with the experience but I'm beginning to realize that they're actually two separate entities. Even though we're no longer together and I can't take him with me I am able to hold onto the experience and what I gained from it.  Even now I realize that its during times when I'm stressed or sad or feeling more vulnerable that I want to reach out for him.  Almost instinctively, I want to turn to him to have someone to talk to or to lean on but I'm also starting to find that I can fulfill that need for myself.  Kind of like a child who reaches for their blanket when they're frightened and then one day realizes it's not so scary out there any more.  There's a certain security in believing in happily ever after.  I'm starting to establish that sense of security by learning to believe in myself.

P has told me that building more security on my own will allow me to make better decisions when it comes future relationships.  To think about that is really kind of empowering.  Instead of waiting for my knight in shining armor to rescue me it's almost like I'm becoming the heroine of my own story.  It's not that I've given up on love, I just no longer want to feel the need to be rescued.  I'm creating my own modern day fairy tale in a sense.  Now that's not to say if a tall dark and handsome stranger rides by on a horse I won't look, but if he arrives on foot I think that will be equally fine with me.

The End :)

-k

A New Perspective

I walked into P's office this week without a whole lot new to report.  I was beginning to feel like a broken record (albeit one playing a much happier tune these days) but in general, I had just been feeling really good.  I had worked the past 6 days in a row including Sunday (yes, seriously) but I wasn't too distraught over it.  After a couple days of over-indulging at family events (Pizzeria Bianco and ice cream!) I was still feeling pretty good from a health and fitness standpoint.  I had also spent time reviewing and editing some of the posts from this blog while continuing to brainstorm ideas for my newest blog project.  And even though it had been a busy week I'd still managed to fit in time to sort out some money matters in regards to my student loans and mortgage loan for my upcoming home purchase.

Coming down off of the high I'd been on during the previous week with all it's excitement and with my feelings over my old boyfriend's email still hanging in the balance I had wondered whether I might be headed for a more somber mood and in fact toward the end of the week I did find myself feeling a little sad and even teary at times.  I gave myself some time and space to wallow just a little.  At one point I even put a tear-invoking song on my iPod, hit repeat and encouraged myself to have a good cry.  ('Can You Feel the Love Tonight' from the Lion King soundtrack does it for me every time. I'll have you know that I'm sharing very privileged information with you here - do NOT tell anyone I told you this).  


As I told P in a fairly nonchalant manner about how I'd been feeling a little down and how I thought it was to be expected I realized it was a little more significant than I'd given myself credit for.  Instead of viewing my sadness as a setback or a negative thing (as I might have done in the past) I had accepted it as a natural part of the process.  I really think this speaks to how far I've come in therapy and opens up a whole new way of thinking for me.

In fact, over the past few weeks I've noticed that I'm becoming more comfortable with the ups and downs in a lot of aspects of life.  For example, as I mentioned it was a busy work week and I didn't get a chance to exercise as much as I normally like to.  Saturdays I typically go the gym for a long run after work but I was feeling a little worn out so instead I came home and took a nap with my dogs and it was just what I needed.  I woke up feeling much more refreshed and didn't worry about missing my gym time.

I'm beginning to learn to take the highs with the lows, the soars with the slumps and I think it's giving me a more positive outlook on life.  Beginning to dissolve my perfectionistic way of thinking has not only done wonders for my stress level but I believe it's making me more primed for success.  According to P the all or nothing way of thinking is nearly always is very limiting and if you consider it for a moment it makes sense.  Instead of feeling bad and giving up or losing motivation when I'm faced with an obstacle or setback I'm now learning to take a deep breath, give myself some space and come back and look at the situation with a fresh perspective.

P and I spent a little time talking about the power of accepting and enjoying the present.  Rather than lamenting about the past or trying to fast forward to the future, being more accepting of your life and where you are at any point allows you to just be open to opportunities instead of focusing on what's lacking and that often it seems that this is when opportunities will come flying at you.  P also mentioned that simply being open to all possibilities and not having any set or rigid expectations about a situation often makes for a happier outcome.  I think I'm already starting to see some of the effects of this.

This is definitely a new way of thinking for me.  Even as I write this I still have so many ideas swirling around in my head for the next steps I'd like to take in my life and it has me feeling both excited and a little frustrated.   Its during these times when I'm frustrated with the process and feeling like I don't have enough time or resources for everything I want to do that I need to just push through and and stay in a positive frame of mind to allow for some inspiration to arrive.  Life is full of ups and downs but if I'm able to just hang on, ride out the twists and turns and keep moving forward I'm starting to believe that it could open up a whole new world of possibilities. 

-k

Hope, Dream, Imagine..

'I haven't a clue as to how my story will end but that's all right.  When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished.  And how else could we discover the stars?'  - Nancy Willard

I had the most wonderful weekend.  For starters, my best friend was in town and the majority of my time over the past few days was spent hanging out with her and visiting with our relatives (my best friend from high school also just happened to marry my cousin which makes us related by default - something I'm pretty sure all childhood best friends dream of).  We had a great time catching up and celebrating as my aunt and uncle welcomed a new baby into the family.  Between her own growing family (found out that she's pregnant!) and me being on the verge of purchasing my very first home we had a lot of things to talk about.  With that on top of the new baby, my brother moving back home and my little sister going away to graduate school, it feels like a time of very exciting change!  

Sunday evening we had met up with another old high school friend for dinner and afterward the three of us wandered over to a coffee shop and sat outside chatting as the sun went down.  At one point the discussion turned to travel and we began to list all of the places we'd like to vacation someday once we had the luxury.  I imagined how lovely it would feel to be having this conversation while dining al fresco at a little cafe in Italy.  As we sat there on the patio outside the coffee shop sipping our macchiatos and eating gelato I felt the warm breeze on my cheeks and as I glanced around at the picturesque backdrop framed by dark green ivy growing up the wall I wondered what more we really could have asked for in that very moment?  What a welcome reminder to embrace and enjoy the present. 

Later that night, back at my best friend's parents' house, she and I were sitting outside reminiscing about our friendship and all the good times (and some fights) that we'd had and how we'd had our share of ups and downs but had always managed to come back together.  We realized it was kind of amazing as we considered all of the events that had taken shape in order to bring us to where we are now with her married to my cousin, a permanent part of my family.   It seemed it couldn't have gone more perfectly if we'd planned it (and believe me, we tried!)  Looking at all that had taken place over the past 15 years and all the changes yet to come we couldn't help but wonder what our lives would be like in 10 or even 5 more years down the road.  It got me thinking about how the important people seem to weave in and out of our lives no matter what the circumstances and it gave me a great sense of comfort about the future.

You see, earlier in the week my most recent previous boyfriend (the relationship whose ending had first prompted me to turn to therapy) had emailed me after about 9 months without any contact.  The details of our relationship I won't discuss now, perhaps sometime in the future, but he and I had also been childhood friends which I think made the rise and fall of our romance particularly difficult for me.  I had a hard time reconciling the idea that someone who I'd always valued to be an important part of my life could just be erased from it, in any capacity. 


While it was somewhat bittersweet to hear from him (what happened between us hasn't entirely been resolved and it is a long road back to building the friendship we once had), there was a feeling of comfort that came with it.  For most of our lives our paths have intertwined in some very extraordinary ways, I believe for some reason, whether simply to grow and learn from one another or to provide a more constant source of companionship I'm really not sure.  But I do know that my relationship with him helped me to discover some very important things about myself not the least of which is that I'm stronger than I once realized.  I don't know what will come of our recent reconcile (and what, if anything, I even hope to gain from it) but I think I'll take a lesson from last week's post and just take it one day at a time.  It's impossible to know what the future holds and yet that's also the beauty of life, it's like a great mystery waiting to be unraveled. 

I came upon the quote at the beginning of this post just this morning, quite by accident, but it really very nicely sums up how I've been feeling over these past few days.  Much like a season finale cliffhanger of my favorite TV show I feel that my life is on the brink of something great. With so many possibilities for the future, I feel all at once very excited and even satisfied to just sit with the unknown and drink it in.  I don't know what the future holds but for once I feel very content with that.  I feel like the bigger picture will take shape as it should.  


Much of my session with P today was spent discussing my newfound peace with all of this and how it reflects how far I've come since I first came to her, fresh off a breakup, back in September.  I'd mentioned back in my very first post when describing the comforting layout of P's office that the words 'dream' and 'hope' displayed on the wall on the left side of the room are now familiar and constant fixtures.  I'm not sure whether it was new decor or my mindset or just chance but I found it very fitting that in 8 months of therapy and over thirty times of walking in and out of her office that on this particular day as I got up to leave I glanced over to the right side of the room and for the first time noticed that very discretely but carefully laid on the end table next to the chair where I always sit was also a set of silver block letters that spelled out the word 'imagine.' 

-k

Charting My Course

Some weeks I arrive at my therapist's office with no clear plan of what I want to discuss.  Other times I have so many concepts and thoughts that fly at me throughout the week that I don't know even know where to begin.  This was one of those weeks.  Last session P and I had revisited my list of original objectives from when I'd first started therapy (you remember, the one that made me cry?).  This time when we reviewed the list, not only did I not cry, but I was actually able to see that I had been sailing toward my goals with flying colors.  I left that session feeling pleased with what I'd accomplished and with a renewed enthusiasm for therapy and the process of self discovery, excited to set out and conquer even more.  

Later that week I snuck away on my lunch break to journal at Starbucks.  I had been wanting to sit down and map out some of my new goals for therapy.  I knew that I wanted to keep working on building confidence in my career (and self-confidence in general), to continue to reduce anxiety and stress in my daily life and the associated physical symptoms (when I'm stressed I feel it very acutely in the form of pain in my cheeks and jaw - you know that sort of pungent feeling you get when you bite into a sour patch kid? It's kind of like that).  I decided that I now also wanted to hone in on learning to trust my instincts, to begin to build more confidence in dealing with money related matters and perhaps one of my biggest goals was to continue to come from a place that was more genuine and open in relationships (with friends, family and eventually romantic relationships also).  What I started to realize is that being more authentic in my relationships really comes down to continuing to get in touch with becoming a more authentic version of myself.  Once I'm able to do that then all of the other stuff just comes naturally.  

I remember in one of my first sessions with P she mentioned that when people go through the process of therapy they often come out the other side surprised that who they thought they were isn't actually who they were at all.  I had already experienced some changes in myself since beginning therapy.  I decided to spend the next few days giving a little bit of thought to who I really am, and what it is that I want (not just out of therapy but life in general).  


So I started to ask myself some questions:  What are the things in life that I find most important? What drives and inspires me?  What began to emerge was my passion for therapy and wellness, pets, cooking, health, and finding balance amidst a busy lifestyle.  I've also known for awhile that I have a strong desire to share my ideas and experience with others yet, as a busy professional myself, I wasn't really sure where it all fit in.  I racked my brain for ways that I could bring more of my passions into the forefront of my everyday life.

Then, over the weekend, I was at the gym (where all of my most inspired thoughts seem to strike) when suddenly it hit me like a gust of wind.  Ideas were coming at me so fast I could barely keep up with jotting them down in the notepad of my phone.  I felt electrified as I imagined all of the possibilities for incorporating these things into my life. Continuing to further develop my therapy blog (maybe even writing a book someday?), expanding the blog to include some of my other topics of interest, reaching out and sharing my experience and advice with other working professionals in the future…  


Even the next day, as I was out hiking, my mind was still literally exploding with ideas.  Fueled by my excitement I bounded up the mountain with ease.  It was brainstorming at its finest.  I knew no boundaries.  I was a force to be reckoned with!

Unfortunately for me there's often a fine line that exists between feeling excited and feeling overwhelmed and my enthusiasm quickly gave way to stress (sour patch kids anyone??).  I began to imagine all of the obstacles that stood in my way of getting from point A to point B.  Sure I had no shortage of ideas but I wasn't even certain yet which ones I wanted to pursue or what I wanted the end result to be.  As my mind absorbed the weight of my doubts I suddenly noticed I had stopped in the middle of the hiking trail, dead in my tracks.  


That's when I realized that I was making it bigger than it was.  Any venture or journey in life is just a series of small steps taken one at a time.  If you let yourself become overwhelmed by the big picture and everything that could go wrong not only is it stressful but you run the risk of psyching yourself out so much that you become scared to take a step in any direction.  It's not always necessary to know exactly where you're going but sometimes just aiming in the right direction is enough.  You can always fine tune the details later.  I may not arrive at my destination tomorrow (and who even knows what that destination will be?) but if I keep taking steps in the right direction (even small ones) I know I'll get there eventually.  

How do I know this process works? Because it's the same method I use to write my blog each week.  I don't ever sit down and just write an entire post from start to finish.  Instead I have a general idea of where I'd like it to go so I throw in a little piece here, a sentence there, cut and paste a few times until suddenly I can see it all taking shape before my eyes.  Yes I know that I can't cut and paste in life and there's no delete button (although don't you wish there was sometimes!) but even if I veer off course a little, as long as whatever I'm putting out there comes from a place of authenticity within myself I believe that I will manage to find my way back on track.  

-k

Investing in Myself: A Sure Bet

Hair stylists, personal trainers, financial advisors, therapists…in this day and age it's important to have a good team of people to help keep you looking and feeling great.  Like any celebrity knows, having a core group of good professionals is invaluable.  A competent bunch can really help keep you in check and put your best face forward.  (And don't we all deserve a little celebrity treatment from time to time?)  My philosophy has always been that if you have a goal, look for guidance from someone who embodies what you want to achieve, who lives and breathes it every single day.  So these days I'm taking a little help from the professionals and as a result I'm getting my finances in order, I'm healthier than I've ever been and I'm pretty sure my hair has never looked better.  When I really decided to commit to therapy it just seemed like a natural extension of this principle.   

Now let's cut to the reality of it:  there's a reason why a lot of these services are usually attainable only to celebrities - it costs quite the pretty penny to keep a crew like this!  So when my financial advisors put me on a strict budget (one of the many reasons that I both love and hate them) I really had to go through my spending with a fine toothed comb.  Between groceries (feeling pressure to buy organic anyone?) and gas prices going crazy the way they are right now and other quote-unquote necessities, something had to give.  Therapy seemed like an easy area to cut back.  I figured if I could cut my weekly sessions in half it would give me the little extra cushion I needed to conform to my new budget.  With two sessions a month I felt I could still reap some good benefits, and besides, I had been making a lot of progress lately… I ran the idea by P and she seemed receptive to it but she also advised me to give it some thought.

When I first considered cutting back on therapy I was excited to have found what seemed to be a 'loophole' in my budget but I also felt some resistance to the idea.  I really look forward to my therapy sessions on Tuesdays as 'me time' and, at the risk of sounding selfish, I really didn't want to have to give it up.  That one little hour of my week is my most treasured indulgence.  Imagine stealing away from work in the middle of the day for coffee with your two best friends - it's kind of like that.  And yet it's so much more than that.  Everyone knows what a great sounding board a good hair stylist can be and personal trainers are natural motivators by trade (and trust me, my trainer has come up with some 'wax on, wax off' style words of wisdom - picture a Jamaican Mr. Miyagi!) but there's really nothing quite like a good therapist.  

Therapy has provided me with insight and skills that continue to enrich all aspects of my life.  It has been hands down the best thing I've ever done for myself.  I don't claim to be in a position to give anyone financial advice but in today's economy it seems as though almost any investment is risky so you might as well take the safe bet and invest in yourself.   And really, what could be better use of your money?  Investing in myself through therapy is investing in my future.  It's investing in making better future decisions for myself, investing in better future relationships and investing in a more fulfilling and prosperous future in general.  So, while I plan to keep contributing to my retirement and savings funds I think I'll also continue to take the sure thing and invest in myself -I'd hate to skimp there and risk not reaching my true potential.

So how does all of this fit into my aforementioned budget you ask?  Well I haven't exactly figured that out yet but clearly its going to need some more tweaking.  I'll probably look to my financial advisors for some guidance there (I'll keep you posted).  Like anything else, it's a process but I like to believe that where there's a will, there's a way.  All I know for sure is that the return on this particular investment is going to be huge.

-k

It's Not Me, It's You

I spent Mother's Day with my family, as most people probably did.  And as most people probably did (whether they realized it at the time or not), I fell victim to the inner workings of my family dynamics. Take it from someone who's in therapy, there's nothing like a family gathering to test your newfound skills and resolve.  Here's an example of how this played out for me this past Sunday.

(Disclaimer: Although I aim to be as forthcoming and open as I can, I am fully aware that I am blogging details of my life of my own accord and, therefore recognize the need to protect other people's feelings and privacy.  With that in mind, some of the names and specifics of the situation I'm about to describe have been changed in order to protect the innocent…. )

My dog E has incontinence issues (reason #147 why I'm a great catch for those of you keeping track) which tends to bother my younger sister.  Admittedly, this would certainly be an issue for many people.   Aware that I had planned to bring my dogs to our parents' house on Mother's Day, my sister sent me a text asking that I do something to, let's just say, better his situation.  While her concern may or may not have been a valid one (not the point), I took some personal offense to her request.  


I had been out shopping for last minute grocery items for our family brunch and as I stood there in the baking aisle I could feel my previously happy demeanor shift to a more somber one.  Instead of looking forward to spending the day with my family, I was now kind of dreading it and I felt myself struggling not to shrink back into a more subdued, quieter version of myself.  In my mind it felt like my plans were being shoved aside for my sister's version of how the day should go.  I could feel some negative thoughts creeping in and I even started doubting my outfit of choice for the day (leggings topped with a shirt that my sister has expressed distaste for in the past).  

A short time later, with that issue on the back burner for the time being, I was driving out to my parents' house with my dogs and older brother in tow.  My brother, who had been commenting on and scrutinizing my choices for the better part of the morning (from my Mother's Day gift to what I was eating for breakfast), was now intent on analyzing my driving skills.  I could feel myself growing more agitated as he urged me to speed up, slow down, switch lanes.  


Already a little ruffled by my sister's remarks, I fought the urge to immediately go on the defense.  As we made the turn onto the long dirt road leading out to my parents' house I was just about to launch into a tirade about how I feel like he constantly criticizes me when he cursed a slow truck that had pulled in front of us.  I realized suddenly that his miserable comments weren't being personally aimed at me.  I actually smiled, happy to have been given that little reminder because it allowed me to put things in perspective.  In fact I started making notes for my blog in the notepad of my phone right then and there (Disclaimer #2: I do not advocate trying to blog while driving). 

I'm sharing this story, not as an attempt to demonize my brother or sister (I have great siblings - I typically get along well with my brother and my sister is my best friend), but simply to illustrate how much effect seemingly small events like this can have on your state of well being if you aren't aware of the situation (and even if you are well-aware as I was!)  


With each instance that I allowed myself to feel bad I was letting someone else get inside my head and tell me that my way of doing things was wrong or simply that I was wrong just for being myself.  Being scrutinized in any form makes you question yourself which can build self-doubt if you aren't careful.  Whether it's being challenged for liking a particular song or shirt or diet or lifestyle choice or whatever, over time these situations can have a negative cumulative effect on your self image as a whole.  

P and I have talked in the past about how I tend to internalize these types of situations, maybe more so than most people do, and while my notions of self-doubt may be reinforced occasionally by my parents or siblings, they certainly aren't unique to family interactions.  When each of my major past relationships ended (some for reasons completely beyond my control) I shouldered a lot of the blame, wondering what was wrong with me that caused the relationship to fall apart. Time and time again, I beat myself up to no end when in reality, the only thing wrong with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me in the first place!  

Let me let you in on a little secret: There is no better than or best, no absolute right or wrong, there's only what's best for or what's right or wrong for you.  I'm learning that you shouldn't take other people's negativity to heart.  (Sometimes naysayers are just that!)  And more importantly, please don't ever let anyone make you feel like you are wrong simply for being yourself. Ok? And I promise to do the same.

-k

Going With the Flow: The No Plans Experiment

This week P challenged me to go one week without making plans.  Now I know that may sound like an odd request but allow me to clarify… I'm not talking about social plans with friends or work commitments.  I'm talking about all of the planning that occurs during my down time.  All of the other time that I fill up with little errands and obligations (kind of like busy work that I assign myself).  


You see, I'm a planner.  From the moment I wake up my day is often already prearranged.  I've planned out what I'm going to eat, when I'll go to the gym and what I'll do there, when I'll fit in time to blog…  I rarely ever allow myself the luxury to just go with the flow.  I run a pretty tight ship and I'm constantly looking for extra little pockets of time that I can fill up with even more tasks.  So when P offered up this little dare, even though I found myself thinking it would be a fool's mission I couldn't help but wonder: what would it feel like if I allowed myself the freedom to follow my every whim?  (I imagined it would be delightful!)

And so the overachiever in me accepted the challenge head on.  I launched my 'No Plans Experiment' immediately upon leaving therapy.  For every task or plan that popped into my mind I was to ask myself whether it was something I actually wanted to do or just something I feel like I should be doing.  Here is a sample from my week: 

After therapy on Tuesdays I usually stop by Trader Joe's for some groceries but, in keeping with the spirit of my mission, I paused first to consider whether I actually felt like going. (This one was a no brainer - I love grocery shopping, this was definitely in the 'want' column).   I shopped happily up and down the aisles marveling at the ease of my assignment thus far - maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as I thought!  


Then as I was unloading my groceries later at home I found myself mentally searching for something to fill the next time slot.  I could walk my dogs who were staring at me expectantly as I put away my food, tend to some laundry that was long overdue, finally get around to organizing my work bag…In the past I ordinarily would have tackled all three things but instead I asked myself whether I really felt like doing any of it right that minute.  


The answer was no.  In fact, I was feeling pretty tired from having run around all day on my day off and so I decided to take a nap instead.  It felt really indulgent.  Later that evening I chatted on Skype with my two best friends, which was definitely something I wanted to do, but I also called it a night the moment I felt myself getting sleepy.   Getting into bed I heard a nagging voice telling me I should journal but I decided to skip it - I was tired after all! 

Wednesday evenings after work I attend a yoga class but there's about an hour time slot I usually try to fill between work and the gym.  I typically head to the gym early and run on the treadmill (I'm constantly on the lookout for any chance to squeeze in some extra cardio) but it had been a busy day at work and my body wasn't really up for a run.  I decided instead that I was feeling the urge to reflect and so I journaled, right there in my car in the gym parking lot! Later during yoga, I noticed myself planning several times and I had to mentally slap myself on the wrist during downward dog but the nagging voice in my head eventually went away.  


Feeling relaxed and rejuvenated after class I decided to take my dogs on a late night walk.  Instead of rushing around the block as I often do, treating it like one more item on my to do list, we walked at a slower pace, taking time to smell the roses (or in their case bushes).  I think I enjoyed it almost as much as they did!

Saturday after work I had planned on taking a hot yoga class (I often look forward to some exercise at the end of the work week as a chance to decompress) but it had been a particularly long week and I didn't really feel like committing to a full 75 minutes of intense poses and heat.  I compromised instead with a short session on the elliptical machine followed by a few minutes of stretching in the sauna.  I stopped by the grocery store again (I wasn't kidding, I love to grocery shop) then went home and took the dogs for another leisurely walk.

The rest of the week unfolded in a similar fashion and I began to realize that flying by the seat of my pants was really working out for me.  By the end of the week I was feeling extremely relaxed and peaceful, almost like being on vacation or at a spa.  And in a sense I was on vacation, I was on hiatus from my own constant mental planning.  I was feeling good and things were getting done (no big surprise there) - even my blog got written without having to carve out a specific block of time.  So that made me stop and wonder: what exactly was I hoping to gain with all my planning (besides a whole lot of stress and feeling like a rat on a treadmill)?  Or perhaps more importantly, what was I afraid would happen if I didn't plan? 

I pondered this thought for awhile but by the time therapy rolled around the following Tuesday I still hadn't come up with an answer.  So I posed the question to P: Was my incessant planning just an annoying habit or might it perhaps point to something deeper?  In true therapist fashion, P turned the question right back at me.  I'd already racked my brain all week with no luck but I was game and so I threw out a few ideas.  Was it perhaps the fear of the unknown if I don't formulate a plan?  Or is it my way of trying to have some type of control over the outcome of a situation?  


As I was talking aloud I came to my own conclusion before P could even weigh in: the constant planning is my way of taking control of my life so that I don't get hurt.  Sometimes it just takes talking it out in therapy to get to the root of something and the answer isn't always the obvious one and may even come as a surprise but feeling the emotion inside me as I spoke those words I knew I'd hit the nail on the head.

I realize, of course, that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense.  How on earth could planning my day down to the last detail possibly protect me from anything?  The truth is that it can't.  But having a plan in general is a way of gaining a sense of control over an unknown situation and in some weird way all of my constant planning makes me feel more safe.  Certainly you can't go through life without plans and planning has it's benefits for sure but it can also be destructive if it's taken too far.  The problem with my planning in particular is that my mind's protective mechanism is in overdrive.  And while this little habit of mine may provide me with a sense of security the byproduct is a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety.  

This past week's little experiment taught me the luxury of allowing myself freedom from my plans, freedom to just be.  I'm learning how to relax and let go just a little.  It's definitely a work in progress and I'll probably always be a planner but I hope to continue to question the urgency of my plans and also to learn when to give myself a break.  So while I'm sure that from time to time (especially during times of stress) my little obsession will rear it's ugly head, at least now I'll be able to recognize it for what it is and remind myself to take it easy and go with the flow.


-k