Giving Thanks: An Attitude of Gratitude

A couple weeks ago, P challenged me to start a gratitude journal. When she mentioned it, we weren't really chatting about anything in particular that I can recall. She said she usually recommends it at one point or another to all of her clients and she wasn't sure why she had never posed the exercise to me before. I have to be honest, while I was open to the idea, it's kind of the hokey-sounding sort of thing I would have expected from a therapist before I really understood what going to therapy was all about. While it sounded like a nice enough concept, I didn't really expect that it would have much impact. But as with most anything P suggests, I was game to give it a try. For the journal, she wanted me to keep it relatively simple, I was to list 3-5 things I was grateful for on a daily basis. They didn't have to be big things (a warm cup of tea counts) but I had to feel truly thankful for them. 

And so I started my list, just mentally at first, but after just a couple of days of focusing on what I was grateful for I could feel a shift in my attitude and few days after that I could tell I was going to want to incorporate it into my everyday routine. I even went as far as deciding to make November my month of gratitude - it only makes sense with Thanksgiving coming up right? I figured, like any good habit, if I could give it a month maybe it would stick. Now here I am, three quarters of the month in and my list is still going strong. 


I'll be honest, some days the thankfulness comes more readily than others but nevertheless each day I really make a point to give it some good thought. I'm noticing that my thankful list is beginning to come much more naturally. Some days I am able to go well beyond my 3-5 things, and the list of things that I'm grateful for seems to be endless. Even when I'm not feeling particularly thankful (like if I have to be up earlier than I like or at the end of a long day of work) I can find gratitude in a warm bowl of pumpkin oatmeal or coming home to kisses from my dogs. I'm impressed that I'm starting to feel grateful for things like togetherness or peace. Hokey though it may seem - and I'm the first to admit it - it really is life changing.

Even as I had some ups and downs this month - my grandmother passed away, my dad fell and broke his shoulder and I suffered a stress fracture in my foot all within the same week - I found myself able to focus on the the more positive aspects of each situation: like how I was happy that I was able to spend so much time with my grandma, especially during her later years, and thankful that, after a couple months of a hectic schedule, I'd been able to make it out to visit her a few days before she passed. I felt fortunate that my dad was first and foremost ok and wondered if his injury wasn't maybe a blessing in disguise that allowed him to take some much needed time to rest. Being sidelined with my own injury has been frustrating to say the least but the other events of the week helped me put that into perspective for sure. Throughout the difficult and teary times I found myself feeling grateful for the support of wonderful friends and coworkers and this past weekend I've just felt really lucky to be able to relax and spend some down time with my family. I'm even starting to find more joy in the little things like ability of a light comedy to help ease a heavy heart or the simple comfort of a home cooked meal.

Having an attitude of gratitude (and therapy in general) is making my life richer every single day. I highly recommend that you try it (the gratitude journal that is - well, therapy too but that's another post entirely ;)). It takes a little practice and conscious effort at first but just like exercising a muscle if you are consistent with it you really will start to see a change. Practice giving thanks and you'll be surprised how it can affect not just your day but your whole mindset.  Even during a relatively tough time such as now it helps that I am able to feel so much more thankful for all of the wonderful things in my life and, even as my mind is burdened, my heart is very full right now

-k

Finding The One

This post is long overdue. The past month has been a busy one for me - I've been traveling quite a bit for various events. Most recently I flew to California to visit my sisters and then a mere 3 days later I turned around and headed to Baltimore for a friend's wedding -  and in the midst of it all I found and put an offer on a purchase for my first home. You could say life's been a little crazy lately. 

The house hunting and negotiation process was stressful for all the typical reasons (it was time consuming, I'm still being bombarded with paperwork on a daily basis) but even more so for me it was just the anxiety of really wanting to find the right place. In embarking on my search, I looked to others for guidance - friends, coworkers - questioning them on how they had found their 'perfect' home. I got the same advice over and over again.  Everyone told me not to worry, "when you find the right one, you'll just know," "the right place is out there, you just need to keep looking," "the search is stressful but everything will work out they way it's supposed to in the end."

These words of wisdom weren't as comforting to me as they may have been to some. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a glass-half-empty type of person. In fact I would say I'm fairly optimistic most of the time but when it comes to myself I have a hard time adopting an 'everything will work out in the end' mentality.  The thing is, I just don't have that sense. All my life I've felt like things don't work out for me and even thinking back on times when I've had good things in my life I felt like I was constantly scanning the horizon, on the lookout for the one thing that was going to swoop in and take it all away. 

I'm not exactly sure where this sense comes from. First it was just a general feeling. I can remember being young and experiencing anxiety when my parents would head out for an evening, worried that they might not come back even though I was safe at home with my brothers and sisters. Later in life, my worrying wormed it's way into my relationships. Whenever I found myself happily settled in a good relationship rather than being able to accept it and allowing myself to be happy I would often find myself on edge, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So putting my trust in the house hunting process and believing that it would all work out was actually a huge leap of faith for me. I wanted so badly to believe that the right place was out there. I figured, if these types of things could work out for other people then why couldn't they work out for me? I reminded myself, the right one is out there, when I find it I'll know. But still, I wondered, how would I know?  

When I first came to P, filling her in on the details of my recently unraveled relationship I had told her that towards the end something just hadn't felt right. I can recall ranting openly, chastising myself for not listening to my gut and I remember P interjecting and catching me a little off guard as she adamantly told me always trust your instincts. It seemed like such simple advice but as the weeks and months went on I found P's words echoing through my head and what I realized was that I'd actually been out of touch with my instincts for quite some time. Wanting very badly to get back in tune with my gut, I talked to P about it on several occasions even asking her to recommend books I could read that might help me tap back into it. (She did recommend one called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I checked it out once at Barnes & Noble - it's a thick book, about 400 pages, in which the author details stories of violence and abuse to offer practical advice for honing in on your instincts. I decided I was too scared to read it.) 

So, with a leery attitude, and without a manual, I went forth with my search, trying to lean on my gut for support. I had compiled a mental list of features I was searching for in a home and I immediately discarded ones that didn't meet my criteria. When I did find a home that had certain qualities that appealed to me, it was hard not to fixate on those things and lose sight of all of the other things I didn't like (I actually considered a house with that had an atrium in the middle of it and tile designed to look like carpet in the bedroom which I still don't really understand. If you're trying to achieve a carpet-like look why not just get carpet?) There were a couple places I wanted to jump on right away, just because they seemed good enough and I was afraid I wasn't going to find the perfect fit. 

I tried to remind myself not to settle. Still it's a difficult process to go through on your own and there were definitely times I wanted to throw my hands up in the air and rely on others for guidance and support. There were times I was frustrated, times I was tearful and wanted to give up but every time I felt fearful I would take a deep breath and keep on going.

And then I found it. It wasn't in the location that I had originally wanted, it was lacking a couple of the amenities I'd hoped for and in fact it wasn't anything like I had imagined in my head (the exterior was pink!) but it was the right one and I knew the moment I saw it. Even later, when I questioned myself, I would look back at the pictures and think this is my house. It may sound silly but I even experienced little heart flutters whenever I would think about it, like the kind you get when you're first falling in love. 

Even so, moving forward there were points at which I doubted myself - like when my mortgage lender hit me with a bit of unexpected information or when my brothers weighed in with their (mostly negative) opinions and advice. In the past I probably would have take these things as a bad omen or a sign that it wasn't meant to be but instead I took a deep breath, checked in with my gut and continued to move forward with hope and with confidence. Next week I'll close escrow and finalize the purchase of my house and I couldn't be more happy and excited. I was back there recently for the home inspection and I felt so at peace. I seriously fall more and more in love with it every time I'm there.

So I can read about tuning into my instincts all I want (I'm sure P's book recommendation will be useful and I'll probably read it one day once I muster up the courage) but I think just having this experience was huge in allowing me to gain confidence in trusting myself and the process. It was an invaluable lesson in what I probably always knew, that it's just about paying attention and having the confidence to trust in myself. 

As I went through the house hunting process I couldn't help but draw parallels to my romantic life: the search, the frustration, the struggle of going at it alone. Buying a home on my own gave me a rush of confidence and pride and it's definitely an accomplishment in it's own right, but perhaps what I'm most excited for is the sense of hope that it gives me when it comes to relationships. 


All my life all I've really ever wanted is to love and be loved. I just have this strong desire to take care of someone and a yearning for the sense of security that comes from a lasting relationship. The funny thing is, I've heard all of the same advice on relationships that I was given on house hunting from all of the same people, "don't worry, the right person is out there, " "it will all work out in the end," "when you find the right one you'll  just know." 


I've been in relationships with guys I knew I had no business being with in the first place and guys I would have sworn were "the one" from the get go and as different as the two situations may seem, having experienced success in the house hunting process gives me faith moving forward in the relationship department. On days when I'm tired of looking and all I want to do is rest my head on someone's chest and know that everything will be alright I'll draw from this experience and remind myself not to settle, to have patience and trust that it truly will all work out in the end. 

I know now that I can trust in myself and I have a little more hope that the right one is indeed out there. Maybe it won't happen exactly when I think it will and maybe he won't be exactly what I pictured but maybe, just maybe, when I find him I'll just know.

-k