Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

A few weekends ago I traveled to Las Vegas for a friend's bachelorette party. I'll admit, I'd had some mixed emotions in the months leading up to the trip. On one hand, I was excited to spend time and celebrate with my friend for her upcoming wedding but I also had some feelings of apprehension. For starters, my previous experiences in Sin City haven't exactly been the best, but there were other reasons too. In the past I've struggled with finding a balance between wanting to maintain a healthy lifestyle and allowing myself to relax and indulge a little while on vacation and I wasn't sure how that would play out over the course of the trip. I'm also someone who likes having some time to myself each day to collect my thoughts and reflect, and I knew that I was going to be spending the weekend in close quarters with five other girls and that alone time would be scarce. Being a bachelorette party and having much of the weekend's festivities laid out in advance, there was also an air of anxiety about not having enough time to fit in my own plans (blogging, exercising, relaxing etc) - I've mentioned I'm a planner, right?

Perhaps the biggest thing on my mind was simply wondering about how the trip might go and what kind of feelings I'd be left with afterward. In the past, vacations have often left me feeling dissatisfied or let down. In fact it's something I mentioned to P in one of our very first sessions. I can remember being a child on family vacations and, rather than being able to simply enjoy myself, I often recall daydreaming out the car window about how things could or should be better - perhaps if I were some other person, in some other life?  

As long as I can remember I've had mixed feelings surrounding trips. On one hand I'm excited, anticipating all of the potential fun I'll have and yet any excitement that I do feel is always shadowed by a cloud of apprehension.  Even recently, as I've made leaps and bounds in my progress in therapy, I've still struggled to come to terms with the disparity between my idea of how I'd like a vacation to go and how it actually plays out (remember my trip to Philadelphia anyone?).  

Since I've been in therapy a little over a year now and am starting to recognize countless ways in which I've changed and grown, it's always nice to see the benefits of my hard work play out into real world situations. Yet, even as an opportunity arises to 'practice' these skills and I go forth with the hope that a situation will be different, I'm always a little wary.  


That's definitely the feeling I had heading into my last couple of vacations. I hoped to have a fun and relaxing time, the kind of experience I'd always thought possible but I still had a difficult time believing it could actually happen. I really hoped that all my time spent in therapy would help me to have a more enjoyable experience. Still, If my trip to Philadelphia was any indication, I worried I could be in for a world of disappointment. There's nothing worse than planning and and looking forward to a vacation or event and then feeling let down afterwards. 

At first glance my Vegas trip might look like it measured up pretty poorly: I lost my cell phone and had no choice but to replace it (at a cost), I didn't get a chance to exercise or blog as much as I'd wanted, I had virtually no control over the weekend's agenda and very little alone time. Yet somehow, despite all of the things that would have made me anxious or annoyed in the past, I had a great time. I spent quality time with old friends and new, became accepting of changes in plans and let go of some rigid expectations of myself. For example, rather than working out in the hotel gym every day I had one long invigorating run in the rain along the Vegas strip. I also managed to stay health conscious for most meals while taking part in the fun and indulging a little (red wine and haagen dazs ice cream!) In fact, looking back, I would venture to say that the trip was just about perfect.

Still, one good vacation does not a pattern make. (I mean, there can always be a fluke right?) I knew I had to give it another go to prove to myself that things had changed. Enter vacation number two: this past weekend I met up with my two best friends in Santa Barbara for our annual girls' trip. Again, I was of course excited to catch up and relax with my best friends but I was also leery of a let-down. 

The verdict? I had an amazing time. Sure things didn't always go according to plan (our hotel room was quite a bit different than depicted online, I experienced some wi-fi issues that delayed some of my blog posts, I had to rearrange my running schedule to make time for meeting up with some other friends) but none of that really got to me the way it likely would have in the past. When I did notice some of the old issues popping up at times (which is inevitable) I found that I was much better equipped to handle them. A large part of that probably comes from just having awareness of the situation and having practiced techniques I've learned in therapy but I'm starting to discover that I now also have an underlying sense of enjoyment that wasn't there before. I no longer rely on little things to make or break a trip because I'm just more happy and content in general.

I'm really developing a newfound sense of comfortability and security in my own skin, and it feels really good. I feel like I'm finally starting to live the life that before I would only dream about. It's so nice to have hopes for how the future will go and for once not feel disappointed with the outcome. I realize that nothing has drastically changed about these vacations or situations and that it's all in my attitude and outlook. It's kind of like my eyes are open now where before they were closed. And I couldn't be more thrilled about that. Because for once, instead of staring out the window and wishing I were in some other situation, or living someone else's life, I feel so incredibly happy and grateful to be experiencing my own. 

Having these two vacations under my belt, I realize that my Philadelphia trip wasn't likely the best gauge of my progress in therapy because it truly was a different beast entirely. I had purchased my blog conference ticket and booked my flight a mere 3 weeks before the event, I was in unfamiliar territory, rooming with strangers and sharing a lot of myself and my blog (things I wasn't even totally sure of yet) with others. I had struck out on a whim to follow a newfound passion and align myself with people, some of whom had been blogging for years. And there I was, a relative newbie in an arena of blogging superstars. Of course I was feeling stressed, anxious and out of my element. It's only natural - it was a gutsy move. And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

-k

When The Therapist's Away...

What do you do when your therapist goes on vacation? It probably depends on what you're in therapy for and your emotional state to begin with. Some people likely become anxious at the prospect of not seeing their trusted confidant for their weekly appointment, some may even cry or freak out a little. I ultimately decided to take the day to myself. 


As much as I enjoy therapy (and I mean I really, really love therapy) I have to admit that I was a little excited when P first told me she would be out of town last week and we would have to postpone our weekly session. After nearly a year of showing up faithfully, week after week for the same afternoon appointment it was nice to have my schedule clear for once, to have the day to spend entirely as I chose, to not have to be anywhere at any specific time. It was kind of like a little breath of fresh air. I got my hair done, spent some time relaxing at Starbucks then popped over next door for an impromptu pedicure. And then when I was finished galavanting about and felt sufficiently pampered, I went home. Because I felt like it. In fact, last Tuesday was probably the most relaxing day I've had in a long time. 

But I should probably back up… The prior Tuesday I had been feeling a little unnerved. That week had been a bit of a low point for me. I had just gotten back from attending a blogger conference in Philadelphia. I was striking out in unfamiliar territory (in a field that was relatively new to me), meeting new people (including some whose blogs I read on a regular basis) and really kind of putting myself out there.  It was basically a chance for me to practice many of the skills I'd acquired from therapy all at once. And I failed. At least in my eyes. While some aspects of the weekend went very well (I met a lot of other bloggers - I'd even go so far as to say I made some new friends - I continued to introduce myself to new people even though I felt uncomfortable at times, I told people about my blog even though I was still very unsure of it myself) I couldn't help but fixate on the parts that didn't fare so well (I still felt uncomfortable socializing at times which is something I've struggled with in the past, I spent a lot of time mentally picking apart my blog, comparing myself to others and feeling like I'd never achieve what they had). After I returned home I found myself experiencing some fairly intense emotions. 

Moreover, over the next few days, I found myself fixated on one person (whose blog I read regularly and really admire).  I kept comparing myself to her and having thoughts about how she's perfect and I'll never measure up. I realized I was right back in my old comparison trap. Finding myself struggling with some of the same issues again was frustrating to say the least. I actually started feeling a little hopeless because I realized that, while I was able to recognize my issues (I don't really like this word but I have yet to find a good alternative), I still felt powerless to overcome them. Equally irritating was realizing that it's all within my control and yet I still am very much my own worst enemy. I started thinking about my issues that P and I have identified such as perfectionism and everything that's tied into it (the need for control, planning, comparisons). It seemed as though all of my smaller issues were coming together into one big unbearable core issue. And it felt intense and awful.

Two weeks ago found me in a tearful state as I related this all to P during our therapy session. I was disappointed in myself for having such negative feelings, especially at this stage in therapy and frustrated that I didn't handle the situation as well as I expected myself to at this point. I wasn't sure how P would react to everything I was unloading on her, whether she might even be a little disappointed in me too? P simply looked at me and said, rather matter-of-factly, that she wasn't surprised by my feelings because although we had spent a lot of time uncovering my issues (there's that word again), we hadn't really done a lot of work with the healing process yet. 

To hear her say this at first I was a little taken aback (Come again? I've been in therapy for almost a year and I haven't started healing yet?) but I must say that I was also relieved and even comforted because it meant that there was some more work to be done and more importantly, there was more that I could do about it. P went on to explain that these so-called 'negative' experiences (like the despair I was feeling after the past weekend) are actually important to the healing process and necessary in order to get to the core issue. I started to conjure up an image of a giant gobstopper and peeling away all the layers to get to the center. So I hadn't really started healing yet.

I've found that I have a two-part approach to dealing with an unexpected bit of information like this. My initial response is to approach with caution, eyeball from a distance, circle it a few times, back up and mull it over, come in for a closer look, poke it with a stick. My follow-up urge tends to be to dive in and dissect it to the point of exhaustion. After I had allowed the conversation from our last session to sink in, I thought about emailing P on several occasions to ask her to define more about this 'healing process' and just where along the therapy continuum did she think I was exactly? What does she feel my next 'steps' should be? Does it simply require more time and continuing the same process that we've been working on or taking on a completely new approach? I never did email P - a therapist deserves a vacation too after all. Besides I had a hunch that it wasn't something that could be answered in a simple reply. 

Over the past week I started thinking about the process of healing and what it means. As someone who finds the process of therapy truly fascinating (not just because of what I'm learning about myself) I was intrigued and curious to see how my 'healing' would unfold. Still there's a part of me that feels like I should be "fixed" already. And that part of me was feeling really frustrated because it seems like every time I think I'm getting it, getting closer to that core, I'm being forced to dig down a little bit deeper. 


I had just started reading a book called "Finding Your Own North Star" by Martha Beck (hey I needed some sort of guidance with P out of town) when I came upon this paragraph describing Dante's journey in The Divine Comedy that the author uses as a parallel to the process of self discovery:

His journey "took him as low as a human being could sink, through his worst fears and most bitter truths, down to the very center of the earth. And then, by continuing straight "downward" through the center and beyond, he was suddenly headed up. Before him he could see things like purpose, fulfillment, excitement, compassion and delight. He was still tired and scared, but he wasn't sleepwalking, and he wasn't lost. There was still a long road ahead of him, but it was the right road. "

It may be a little bit dramatic but I think it's actually a pretty accurate depiction of what occurs during the therapy process (at least in my experience). I've said it before and I'll say it again: therapy isn't easy work. I like to think that every time I have an experience like this where I'm left dealing with these intense emotions that it's proof that I'm reaching my center, chipping away at my core and healing just a little. I know it will take time and many more experiences like this one in order to get to a place where I feel like I'm healed (and I also know that the process will never truly be complete) but this time around, after just a few days of not feeling so great, I was already headed back up again.

At the end of our last session, just as we were about to part, aware that she would be leaving me to fend for myself for two weeks, P had asked me if I had any questions. I had one: Is it ever going to get better? P just looked at me and smiled. I already knew the answer. 


I have already seen so many benefits from therapy. Even when I'm in these so-called low points I realize that it's not as bad as it could be. Still therapy can be very intense at times. But I'm even more willing to withstand the intense times now because I suspect that that's where the healing begins. For now, I'm looking forward to my next session with P and excited for my healing to continue.

-k